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- Archive-name: lemur-faq/part1
- Alt-fan-lemurs-archive-name: lemur-faq/part1
- Last-modified: 1994/08/02
- Version: 4.0
-
- Alt.fan.lemurs Frinkquently Asked Questions
-
- This is the famous alt.fan.lemurs newsgroup, the newsgroup that
- celebrates the legend, lore, and humor of Madagascar's most famous
- animals. Lemur discussion began in 1991 on a small local campus
- conferencing system at Virginia Tech, spread to a few USENET news-
- groups, and acquired its own newsgroup in Fall 1992.
-
- Sections of the FAQ include:
- Part 1 of 7 -- Lemur Humor Part One
- Part 2 of 7 -- Lemur Humor Part Two
- Part 3 of 7 -- Lemur Humor Part Three
- Part 4 of 7 -- Lemurs Versus Cows
- Part 5 of 7 -- Lemurs and the USENET Oracle
- Part 6 of 7 -- Duke University Primate Center
- Part 7 of 7 -- Real Lemur Facts
-
- The old Lemur Poetry section of the FAQ is being redeveloped as an archive
- and will be posted at a later date.
-
- Official USENET Alt.Fan.Lemurs Frinkquently Asked Questions
- Part 1 of 7 -- Lemur Humor Part One
-
-
- ------------------------------
-
- The Questions
-
- (1) Um, this newsgroup seems to have a somewhat unusual view of
- Lemurs. According to you, what IS a Lemur?
- (2) What kinds of sounds do Lemurs make?
- (3) Are Lemur eyes really all that big?
- (4) What do Lemurs do when the weather turns cold?
- (5) What do Lemurs like to eat?
- (6) Who is Nigel the Lemur?
- (7) Who is Rudolpho the Christmas Lemur?
- (8) Who are the other Lemurs?
- (9) What's this I hear about a song called "Shock the Lemur?"
- (10) What is "Lemur-B-Gon"?
- (11) Does Lemur-B-Gon _work_?
- (12) What do I do if I'm out driving and I come to a roadblock
- where Lemurs are shaking people down for money and Chex Mix?
- (13) Can you get Lemurs at governmental surplus property auctions?
- (14) What is the "Lemurcon equation"?
- (15) What should I do if I meet a Lemur?
- (16) Were there Lemurs in Star Trek (tm)?
- (17) Is it unusual to dream about Lemurs?
- (18) How do Lemurs get into the USA?
- (19) Are Lemurs controlling the minds of alt.folklore.urban
- readers, forcing them to insert the word "Lemur" into the keywords
- lines of their posts?
- (20) How can you keep your local Lemurs entertained?
- (21) Have Lemurs appeared in any court cases?
- (22) How do monkeys compare with Lemurs?
- (23) Can Lemurs in zoos escape?
- (24) What do Lemurs in zoos like to eat?
- (25) If you feed the Lemurs, what's likely to happen?
- (26) Why did Chris Thompson get committed to a mental hospital?
- (27) Is it wise to publicly express a fondness for Lemurs over the
- Internet?
- (28) What's that "Joey the Lemur, Friend of Mankind" song they did
- on Mystery Science Theatre 3000?
-
-
- Lemur Humor is continued in Part 2 of the FAQ, "Part 2 of 6 -- Lemur
- Humor Part Two".
-
- ---------------
-
- The Answers
-
- (1) Um, this newsgroup seems to have a somewhat unusual view of
- Lemurs. According to you, what IS a Lemur?
-
- L-E-M-U-R (le-mer) noun Lemur: a small mammal with
- large eyes, a foxlike face, and wooly fur, found
- mainly in Madagascar, Virginia Tech, and in the
- Twinkie aisle of your local 7-11. There are different
- kinds of Lemurs, some resembling monkeys, some resem-
- bling mice and squirrels, and some resembling politi-
- cians. They live in trees and some are active mainly
- at night. Others prefer to ride the rides at local
- theme parks. They are probably similar to an ancestor
- of the primates, meaning even Lemurs have a little bit
- of Elvis in them. <New Latin (?!?) LemurES, plural
- <Latin Lemures (with a - over the last E) specters,
- ghosts (because of their appearances and nocturnal
- habits)
-
- This definition written by Barbara Poff.
-
- -----------
-
- (2) What kinds of sounds do Lemurs make?
-
- Words known to be found in the Lemur lexicon include "ptang,"
- "frink," "cheep," and "whooooooo". The meaning of these words is
- said to vary based on the motion of the eyes at the time a given
- phrase is said.
- Further information is reported by G. Shapiro:
-
- "Let me summarize the current understanding of Lemur lin-
- guistics, as reported in the Journal of Irreproducible
- Results.
-
- frink (adj) - very appealing, sexually
-
- frink (noun) - a National Geographic photographer.
-
- [NOTE: The dual usage of frink stems from a confusion in
- Lemur society. The primary determinant of sexual appeal in
- Lemurs is size of the eyes. Lemurs confused the telephoto
- lenses of NG photographers as huge, and hence very appeal-
- ing, eyes.]
-
- ptang (verb) - to have sex with another species. Has a
- positive connotation when the other species is also primate.
- More akin to the English 'bestiality' when the other species
- is non-primate.
-
- cheep, cheep, cheep (noun) - particularly satisfactory
- sexual experience.
-
- So let us use this knowledge to translate the following
- Lemur dialogue:
-
- 1st Lemur: PTANG FRINK FRINK
- 2nd Lemur: cheep, cheep, cheep.
-
- Translation:
-
- 1st Lemur: I heard you had sex with that hot-looking NG
- photographer.
- 2nd Lemur: Yes. It was great.
-
- Shapiro's report cannot be accepted as absolute fact as Lemurs
- have been known to use "ptang" and "frink" for many other situa-
- tions besides those involving sex. Hence the theory that eye
- motions play a large role in determining what a Lemur means at any
- given time. This theory is as follows:
-
- The verbal component of a Lemur lexicon that requires somat-
- ic components to determine the actual meaning. In other
- words, the meaning of "frink" varies depending on the eye
- motions of the lemur in question. Rolling your eyes while
- saying "frink" means one thing, while winking the right eye
- slowly while saying "frink" means something else entirely,
- and so forth. "Frink" seems to be used for many purposes:
- as a greeting, as an exclamation of excitement, as a means
- of expressing curiousity, and so forth. Only Lemurs know
- what "frink" means for sure, and they aren't telling.
-
-
- -----------
-
- (3) Are Lemur eyes really all that big?
-
- Yes. Lemurs come equipped with large, almost shining eyes which
- are legendary for reflecting the light of campfires back at people
- gathered in clearings with curious Lemurs in the nearby trees.
- Lemurs are said to have "googly" eyes which are used in communica-
- tion -- e.g. winking, rolling, staring, etc. in addition to spoken
- words. When a Lemur is around a good-looking Lemur of the oppo-
- site sex, you can generally tell that the first Lemur finds the
- second one attractive as the first Lemur will "get all googly and
- stuff" (in the words of Chris Karluk).
-
- -----------
-
- (4) What do Lemurs do when the weather turns cold?
-
- Word has it that Lemurs travel via subways and steam tunnels when
- the weather turns cold, "moving in" with friendly humans, thereby
- assured of a warm dwelling place and lots of Big K grape soda for
- the duration of the winter.
-
- Apparently the humans they move in with are persuaded to share
- their living quarters with some Lemurs if the Lemurs let their
- "hosts" use their blaster pistols now and then. "Negotiations"
- with the invading Lemurs can be interesting, as this exchange of
- messages in a recent case shows:
-
- * The humans said that the Lemurs could come by if they
- promised not to annoy the neighbors, play the stereo too
- loud, hog the computers and modem, use laserdisks as
- frisbees, or swing from the kitchen light.
-
- * The Lemurs countered by asking if they could jump up and
- down on the bed. Their representative said that he
- couldn't guarantee all the above, but that they MUST be
- allowed to jump on the bed, or else they would come over
- anyway and do anything they want. Furthermore, swinging
- from the kitchen light is something that all Lemurs
- instinctively love doing. Would the humans object if they
- brought their own kitchen lights to attach to the kitchen
- ceiling?
-
- * Sighing, the humans assented provided that the Lemurs
- either promise to repaint the kitchen walls afterwards or
- wear flip-flops.
-
- * The Lemurs agreed and moved in.
-
- -----------
-
- (5) What do Lemurs like to eat?
-
- Legend has it that Lemurs love junk food. Specifically Hostess
- Twinkies, but also such things as generic snack cakes, cookies,
- deviled eggs, pigs-in-a-blanket, squirt cheese on crackers, etc.
- In other words, your average Lemur would be very content raiding
- the hors d'oeuvres line at a cheap wedding reception. Rumor has
- it that Lemurs occasionally fall victim to strange cravings, such
- as chocolate cakes with cherry pie filling and whipped cream on
- top... and sauerkraut! Sauerkraut on everything!!! Let's not
- explore this subject any further.
-
- Lemurs like to eat. This they do well: it's not uncommon for a
- Lemur to devour the entire contents of a candy machine in under
- ten hours. (Lemurs often can squirm inside the machine via the
- slots at the bottom, eat their fill, and then have trouble getting
- back out. vending machine repairmen often find engorged Lemurs
- sitting in a pile of Mounds bar wrappers looking woeful. The
- Lemurs are usually deported back to the Duke University primate
- home.) Lemurs are nothing if not pragmatic. A vending machine
- full of Mars bars down the hall from the office they've taken over
- is greatly preferred to one a few buildings away that contains
- Twinkies. Besides, those machines are usually long since cleaned
- out by those few Lemurs who do forage afar.
-
- -----------
-
- (6) Who is Nigel the Lemur?
-
- Nigel the Lemur is the only lemur known to have internet access. Nigel's
- email address is nlemur@cs.csee.usf.edu. Nigel was first heard of
- escaping from the Duke University Primate Center in Durham, North
- Carolina. He made his way north to Blacksburg, Virginia and presently
- makes his home there, freeloading off various humans and making periodic
- appearances on alt.folklore.urban.
-
- -----------
-
- (7) Who is Rudolpho the Christmas Lemur?
-
- Rudolpho the Christmas Lemur is said to have stowed away on Santa's
- sleigh during a stopover in Madagascar one Christmas. Upon finding the
- hapless Lemur shivering in the back of the sleigh after returning to the
- North Pole, Santa named him "Rudolpho" and adopted him into the North
- Pole community. Rudolpho aided Santa for a few Christmases, sneaking
- into houses and opening the chimney flues when required so Santa could
- get in. Eventually, though, Rudolpho yielded to a kleptomaniac urge and
- began stealing silverware... and jugs of Big K Grape Soda. Santa
- reluctantly discharged him on the spot, but Rudolpho has continued his
- irregular service nonetheless, breaking into houses and stealing the Big
- K Grape Soda and opening any chimney flues that need to be opened. If he
- should happen to be discovered, he flees by shaking up a bottle of Big K
- Grape Soda, opening it, and jetting off over the horizon. (If he gets
- thirsty in mid-flight he pulls a loop, fills a cup, and continues
- onwards.)
-
- -----------
-
- (8) Who are the other Lemurs?
-
- In addition to Nigel and Rudolpho, various Lemurs have popped up
- in the Lemur legends and lore: J. Arthur Lemur, the Lawyer Lemur;
- Eddie the Lemur, who serves aboard a giant starship crewed mainly
- by rodents; and of course the various hordes of Lemurs who pop up
- here and there when least expected. Rocky the Lemur is said to live
- with Greg Morrow, and rumor has it that Sean Barrett is actually a lemur
- who lives with Sue Miller because she rubs his belly now and then. Who
- knows? Next time you're sending email, THINK! That person on the other
- side of the Internet connection might be a lemur too!
-
- -----------
-
- (9) What's this I hear about a song called "Shock the Lemur?"
-
- We have it on good authority that Peter Gabriel's smash hit "Shock
- the Monkey" was originally titled "Shock the Lemur," but the
- Lemurs that were going to be used in the video escaped and robbed
- a local convenience store, making off with all of the Twinkies
- (tm) and Yoo-Hoo (tm) and wounding the clerk with a Nutty Buddy
- (tm). They were last seen heading toward Las Vegas, presumably
- drawn there by the sound of Wayne Newton's voice. Gabriel was
- forced to acquire the more well-tempered monkeys instead, and the
- rest is history.
-
- -----------
-
- (10) What is "Lemur-B-Gon"?
-
- (paid advertisement for Lemur-B-Gon follows)
-
- BEFORE: Vance Kochenderfer says: I'm getting C's where I should be
- getting B's or better.. I'm just sick of school in general. Of
- course, the Lemurs banging on my window keep me awake at night, so
- I'm not as alert as I should be...
-
- AFTER CALLING Lemur-B-GON: Ever since I called Lemur-B-Gon, I have
- had no problems with Lemur infestations. Now they just bang on
- the window and whine and try to get in, but they'll never get in.
- Never. Even if they are armed with dynamite and blasting caps.
- Lemur-B-Gon has LemurPROOFED (tm) my home.
-
- Lemurs bugging you? Call Lemur-B-Gon at 1-800-LMR-B-GON. Guaran-
- teed to work or your Twinkies back!
-
- -----------
-
- (11) Does Lemur-B-Gon _work_?
-
- From what we hear, they do good work. Vance Kochenderfer had to
- call Lemur-B-Gon when a bunch of the Lemurs were keeping him awake
- at night beating on his windows trying to get him to let them in.
- He knew better than to do that, as they would just have come
- inside and made even more noise playing with the kitchen applianc-
- es and asking him for his credit card number and expiration date
- so they could order cubic zirconium jewelry off QVC and the Home
- Shopping Network. Fortunately, Lemur-B-Gon came quickly and took
- care of the situation by bribing the Lemurs into the back of a
- closed van with some Ben 'n' Jerry's Chunky Monkey ice cream (it's
- banana ice cream with chocolate chunks). The Lemurs were then
- taken over to the local university library and released into the
- photocopier area where they busied themselves making photocopies
- of their body parts.
-
- -----------
-
- (12) What do I do if I'm out driving and I come to a roadblock
- where Lemurs are shaking people down for money and Chex Mix?
-
- Stay calm, give them what they want, and then go prepare defenses
- for the next time. Keith Williams claims that Lemurs are deathly
- afraid of empty Burger King bags. In his words, "it's the '100%
- Recycled' content of the paper. Drives them nuts." Thus, college
- students who eat fast food a lot are probably safe from this kind of
- thing happening. If you encounted a Lemur roadblock, it'd probably
- be a good idea to go get some empty Burger King bags and leave them
- lying around on the floor of your car.
-
- -----------
-
- (13) Can you get Lemurs at governmental surplus property auctions?
-
- At times, the question has come up as to whether you can purchase
- used Lemurs at governmental surplus property auctions: "Have they
- been auctioning off Lemurs, too?!? How much do they go for?!?
- Are they nice, new Lemurs or old, used, worn-out Lemurs? And do
- they also sell Lemur accessories?" And so forth.
-
- The best answer we have is this: Yes, you can occasionally get
- Lemurs at surplus auctions. Mostly they're the Lemurs that
- governments bought expecting that the new governmental Lemur
- specifications would be written in such-and-so a way and when it
- turned out that the first thing new governments do after reaching
- office was to toss out the Lemur specifications that had been left
- for implementation by the outgoing administrations. Thus, govern-
- ments are left with a bunch of Lemurs that had been bought under
- the old Lemur specifications. It's kinda like investing in a lot
- of TRS-80's ten years ago on the expectation that TRS-80's would
- be the standard. There are a lot of high schools sitting around
- with TRS-80's even as we speak. So yes, many governments do have
- all these Lemurs that, while completely serviceable, are nowhere
- close to meeting official State specs and thus, they're going for
- a song. All the accessories and support materials, too. Quite
- often, the Lemurs have never even been unpacked; they've been
- sitting in a warehouse getting fed three times a day for the last
- three years until a government gets around to selling them.
-
- -----------
-
- (14) What is the "Lemurcon equation"?
-
- D. Harmon writes:
-
- You may have heard of a type of graph called a limacon, which is a
- graphed from the function r=a+b*cosh or r=a+b*sinh. What you
- probably haven't heard of is another similar type of function
- called a Lemurcon. This function is the equation l=e(mu*r),
- where l is the length of the radius, r is a constant which has
- several different values for each value of mu, and mu is the
- independent variable.
-
- For example, the graph of one type of Lemurcon equation would look
- like this:
-
- l
-
- |
- |
- |
- * * | * *
- * * * * *|* * * * *
- * | *
- * | *
- * * | * *
- - - -*- - - - - - - - - -*- - - - mu
- * | *
- * *|* *
- * | *
- * *|* *
- * * *
- |
- |
- |
-
- Since the discovery of Lemurcon equation is fairly recent, there
- is an opportunity to immortalize your name in history by discover-
- ing other graphs of the Lemurcon equation. :)
-
- -----------
-
- (15) What should I do if I meet a Lemur?
-
- Mike Kohlhaa asks,
- On the off chance that I should see a Lemur here in
- Indiana, how should the Lemur be approached? If I
- offer him food and beer will he be friendly? Should I
- call the zoo? Might he join me in a game of
- hacky-sack? I guess I'm just wondering what type of
- temperament Lemurs have. Are they laid-back and
- fun-loving, or are they always on edge?
-
- Vance Kochenderfer replies,
-
- You should be okay if you offer him a Twinkie [tm].
- Whatever you do, DO NOT say "frink" because you'll
- probably get the inflection wrong, and anger the
- Lemur. In general, though, I think Lemurs avoid
- Indiana as much as possible. They have an incredible
- fear of dumb ex-Vice Presidents.
-
- Joel Furr chimes in,
-
- The Lemur may surprise you by approaching _you_ before
- you can approach _it_. Chances of this happening are
- greatly increased should you be carrying one of the
- following with you:
- 1) Twinkies
- 2) Big K Grape Soda
- 3) Pictures of attractive Lemurs of the opposite
- sex
- 4) A ceiling light... especially the kind that
- hangs by a chain.
-
- Lemurs should NOT be given beer. Lemurs are generally mean
- drunks. They're much friendlier when they're on a sugar
- high.
-
- Encountering a Lemur is an unusual, but by no means risky happen-
- stance. With a little luck, a Lemur encountered in a park will
- likely become a close friend and will stick with you through thick
- and thin, or at least as long as the Twinkies hold out.
-
- -----------
-
- (16) Were there Lemurs in Star Trek (tm)?
-
- Yes. As it happens, the T in James T. Kirk stands for "Tanan-
- arivo," the capital of Madagascar. Madagascar is home, of course,
- to 99% of the world supply of Lemurs, and as we all know, Gene
- Roddenberry was a huge Lemur fan. However, the producers wouldn't
- let him incorporate Lemurs into the cast because they were afraid
- that the clever, cunning little primates would somehow find a way
- to make the phasers, tricorders, and photon torpedoes actually
- *work*. Plus, in shooting of the pilot, "The Cafe," you can see
- Lemurs swinging by overhead on the restaurant lights during the
- scene in which Pike gets the Talosians to pick up the check. This
- was not a situation which Desilu wanted to see happen again so all
- Lemurs were banned from future shootings of the show.
-
- This was mentioned in Roddenberry's re-release of the reconstruct-
- ed pilot. (From the black-and-white footage + what they used on
- the TOS two-parter). As Roddenberry climbs into the transporter
- room at the end of the video, he says "For us, no Lemurs". Most
- people just ASSUME that he's saying "For us, no LIMITS". (And we
- ALL know that when you assume you make an ASS out of U and ME.)
- So this PROVES the Lemur theory which, from now on will be abbre-
- viated TLT (The Lemur Theory) or maybe TLP (The Lemur Proof) or
- maybe even TLL (The Lemur Law) or just TLTTLPTLL for short).
-
- -----------
-
- (17) Is it unusual to dream about Lemurs?
-
- Henry Sanford Gibbons writes:
-
- I had a strange dream the other night, in which my
- girlfriend and I were in the middle of the Mojave
- Desert surrounded by giant man-eating Lemurs. I
- thought it quite remarkable at the time, so I was
- wondering if net-land had any comments about this
- rather disconcerting image.
-
- Vance Kochenderfer replies,
-
- I had the strangest dream last night. I dreamed I was
- transformed into a giant man-eating Lemur, and I was
- out in the Mojave Desert, and there were these two
- people there, a man and a woman, whom I did not know.
- And then I ate them.
-
- Draw your own conclusions.
-
- -----------
-
- (18) How do Lemurs get into the USA?
-
- Vance Kochenderfer and Joel Furr run blackmarket Lemurs through
- the Port of New York three times yearly. In Joel Furr's words,
- "we disguise them as Hungarian piccolo players and put dark shades
- on them and we usually don't get caught." Furr adds, "but then
- there was that time the customs people had that big box of
- Twinkies sitting next to the gate..."
-
- -----------
-
- (19) Are Lemurs controlling the minds of alt.folklore.urban
- readers, forcing them to insert the word "Lemur" into the keywords
- lines of their posts?
-
- Yes.
-
- -----------
-
- (20) How can you keep your local Lemurs entertained?
-
- Here's a suggestion from Dave Budd:
-
- Go to your nearest zoo. Stand in front of the Lemurs.
- Juggle. They will be fascinated by this action, but
- it's a waste of time trying to teach them how to do
- it. The big cats quite like it as well, but they're
- not so impressed when you drop.
-
- -----------
-
- (21) Have Lemurs appeared in any court cases?
-
- Just one that we've found so far:
-
- In United States v Buettner-Janusch (1980, SD NY) 500
- F Supp 1285, affd on other grounds (CA2 NY) 646 F2d
- 759, cert den 454 US 830, 70 L Ed 2d 107, 102 S Ct
- 126--a prosecution for possession of methaqualone with
- intent to distribute in violation of 21 USCS @
- 841(a)(1), based on six plastic jars containing meth-
- aqualone in various stages of purification, which were
- seized from the defendant's laboratory during a gov-
- ernment search--the court held the evidence more than
- sufficient to sustain the guilty verdict and denied
- the defendant's motion for judgment of acquittal or a
- new trial. The court noted that the defendant and his
- co-conspirators, who allegedly were involved in Lemur
- research, had purchased enough raw material to make
- sufficient methaqualone to drug all the Lemurs in the
- United States and keep them in a perpetual state of
- euphoria...
-
- -----------
-
- (22) How do monkeys compare with Lemurs?
-
- A quote from Rev. John (C521832@MIZZOU1.missouri.edu):
-
- Lemurs! I used to be a volunteer at the zoo in Mem-
- phis. They had an island there (well, a small hillock
- surrounded by water) on which a number of monkeys were
- kept -- hence, Monkey Island. The monkeys had a
- tendency to escape, however; at one point numerous
- ones did so and fled the zoo. Most were caught climb-
- ing up the side of a tall apartment complex across the
- street. After this, the zoo replaced the monkeys with
- Lemurs, who were much less inclined to escape. As a
- volunteer, I and my co-workers spent many lunch breaks
- watching the Lemurs running about the little island in
- their trademark loping gait. We coined a simple verb
- to describe their action : "leeming", or "to leem,"
- which is to run about like a Lemur.
-
- -----------
-
- (23) Can Lemurs in zoos escape?
-
- The answer comes from S. Mudgett:
-
- The last time I went to the zoo, all we did to the
- Lemurs was give them apple chunks. the baby Lemurs
- were small enough to leave the cages by squeezing
- between the bars, and came out to visit. A zookeeper
- told us they didn't have any cages that a baby Lemur
- couldn't get out of.
-
- Further data comes from Torsten Wesley Adair:
-
- When the Lied (Indoor) Jungle opened at the Henry
- Dorley Zoo last April, the Lemurs discovered a way to
- exit the "jungle" and sit outside on the roof. This
- was corrected, but they still have the run of the
- place, I believe. I have never been approached by
- one, but I have been introduced to an Iguana.
-
- -----------
-
- (24) What do Lemurs in zoos like to eat?
-
- Another quote from Rev. John (C521832@MIZZOU1.missouri.edu):
-
- We never fed the Lemurs twinkies, or threw them food
- for that matter. As I recall they ate Purina Monkey
- Chow or some such ... plus some fruits I think that
- the keepers gave them. At other parts of the zoo we
- sold carrots and stuff for llamas, bears, and other
- such critters. But not for Lemurs. For all I know they
- would have happily gnawed on Burl Ives records.
-
- -----------
-
- (25) If you feed the Lemurs, what's likely to happen?
-
- Siobhan Harper explains:
-
- I begged them not to tell the keeper, and they agreed,
- as long as I kept bringing them fruit. Then it esca-
- lated -- they began demanding cigarettes, jewelry,
- expensive electronics, and 18-year-old Scotch. They
- threatened to expose me to the primate keeper when I
- couldn't afford their demands anymore, and that's when
- I changed my name, moved to Seattle, and took a job at
- Microsoft. Somehow, they found out my phone number,
- though, and every once in a while, I get a call late
- in the night. My heart leaps into my throat when I
- hear that soft "Whooo, whooo" on the other end, know-
- ing it's only a matter of time until they catch up
- with me.
-
-
- ---------------
-
- (26) Why did Chris Thompson get committed to a mental hospital?
-
- Quoth Chris Thompson (ak051@yfn.ysu.edu):
-
- >I was at the zoo one day, standing looking at the lemur cage. The
- >lemurs were going wild jumping around and frinking loudly. I
- >noticed one of the lemurs (He looked to be a lemur leader) had
- >Mr. Underhill's American express card and was trying to jimmy the
- >lock to the cage. I was unsure of their problem. It was then that
- >I noticed they were being fed big bowls of dry crusty Lemur Chow,
- >and this little kid was standing next to me EATING A TWINKIE!!!
- >
- >I immediately slapped the twinke to the ground, picked it up and
- >tossed it into the cage. I turned to the kid and yelled "MY GOD
- >MAN! WHAT DID YOU THINK YOU WERE DOING!?! ONE OF THEM HAS A
- >CREDIT CARD!!" then, to the lemurs "I'll BE RIGHT BACK WITH SOME
- >BIG-K!!"
- >
- >After the cops released me from psychiatric lockup, I did go back
- >and slide a couple of two liters of Big K Grape and a case of
- >twinkies under the cage.
- >
- >The Lemur Leader saw me and came over. I looked at him and said
- >"Frink." Somehow I got the intonation right because he looked at
- >me and nodded sagely and said "Ptang."
-
-
-
- -----------
-
- (27) Is it wise to publicly express a fondness for Lemurs over the
- Internet?
-
- After Joel Furr said "I'd like to hug a Lemur," Robert O'Brien
- spoke up:
-
- Careful! The ones that sometimes hang around my patio
- and read the screen thru the window and over my shoul-
- der were here again tonight, and after your message
- scrolled by I heard them making chattering type noises
- for a while, then they all took off toward the phone
- lines - they *may* know how to track down your ad-
- dress.
-
- (28) What's that "Joey the Lemur, Friend of Mankind" song they did
- on Mystery Science Theatre 3000?
- JOEY THE LEMUR
-
- Tom Servo: It's Joey the Lemur, the friend to Mankind, our
- furry sort of monkey friend who really does
- shine
-
- Joel: It's Joey the Lemur, he's really fun to have
- around to huggle and to talk to and fun fun fun
- [note: Joel appears to be whacked out on goof-
- balls, we couldn't get a better translation than
- this.]
-
- Crow: Joey the Lemur, he'll run everywhere, Joey the
- Lemur, what kind of heck of animal is he any-
- way?! Uh... Joey the Lemur, the kind of animal
- that would go to the bathroom anywhere.
-
- Joel: Wait a minute, hold it!
-
- Crow: Huh? There's more!
-
- Joel: This is the Lemur. Native to the Philippines
- and Madagascar, uh... and fictional planets like
- Nova. He is a clean, gregarious, and good pet.
-
- Joey the Lemur: You said it, pal! Oh boy, pal of mine, you're
- the one for me!
-
- Tom Servo: Uh oh, Joel's swinging into his puppet routine!
-
- Joey the Lemur: Can it, fireplug! I've had enough out of you!
-
- Tom Servo: Joey the Lemur, he'll say what he thinks!
-
- Joey the Lemur: I've got a story to tell! Oh boy, will I ever,
- I'll carry on like a Gilbert Gottfried of the
- animal world, I don't mind telling you. You
- know, I'm the clown prince of the primate world
- who's often mistaken for our friend the chimpan-
- zee. But don't make any mistake, I'm not saying
- anything wrong about our chimpanzee brethren,
- only that I wish.... here's wishing they'd throw
- a little more work our way, alright?
-
- Crow: Lemur, the Lemur, L-E-M-U-R.
-
- Joey the Lemur: Hey, who's this bird-dog-thing, I don't like
- him!
-
- Tom Servo: L is for Lemur!
-
- Joey the Lemur: L is for Lemur, 'nuff said!
-
- Crow: E is for EAT!
- Joey the Lemur: E is for eat. I eat four times my own weight in
- nuts and berries, which has its consequences,
- but go figure!
-
- Crow: M is for MONKEY!
-
- Joey the Lemur: Monkey. I'm often mistaken for a monkey. It
- goes with the turf, let's go!
-
- Tom Servo: U is for UNUSUAL!
-
- Crow: And UNPREDICTABLE!
-
- Joey the Lemur: Unpredictable is right! I once took a whiz on
- Johnny Carson's sportcoat-- I don't panel well.
- Okay, on with the show!
-
- Tom Servo: R is for RADICAL!
-
- Crow: And RAMBUNCTIOUS!
-
- Joey the Lemur: Randy as a jackrabbit, that's me alright!
- Whoooooo!
-
- Tom Servo: Yes, it's the splendiferous Lemur....
-
- Crow: ...friend to all Mankind!
-
- Joey the Lemur: Please consider me as a possible corporate sym-
- bol or mascot suitable and fine for any profes-
- sional or semi-professional sport team.
-
- Crow & Tom Servo: It's the
-
- Crow: magnificent
- Tom Servo: splendiferous
-
- Crow & Tom Servo: LEEEMURRR!!
-
- Joey the Lemur: I, the Lemur, beg you to consider me. I am
- willing to travel and would make an excellent
- companion for any elderly or unelderly elderly
- person. Gentlemen, please consider me. Thank
- you. Thank you, thank you.
-
- ---------------
-
- Lemur Humor is continued in Part 2 of the FAQ, "Part 2 of 7 -- Lemur
- Humor Part Two".
-
- ------------------------------------------------------------------
- Prepared January 31, 1993 by Joel Furr, jfurr@polaris.async.vt.edu
- Revised February 15, 1993 by Joel Furr, jfurr@polaris.async.vt.edu
- Revised April 5, 1993 by Joel Furr, jfurr@polaris.async.vt.edu
- Revised July 6, 1993 by Joel Furr, jfurr@polaris.async.vt.edu
- Revised August 2, 1994 by Joel Furr, jfurr@acpub.duke.edu
- Archive-name: lemur-faq/part2
- Alt-fan-lemurs-archive-name: lemur-faq/part2
- Last-modified: 1994/08/02
- Version: 4.0
-
- Official USENET Alt.Fan.Lemurs Frinkquently Asked Questions
- Part 2 of 7 -- Lemur Humor Part Two
-
- ------------------------------
-
- The Questions
-
- (1) Would it be a good idea to give a Lemur a toolbox for his or
- her birthday? Are Lemurs vocationally skilled?
- (2) What are Lemurs' tails used for?
- (3) Are Robert O'Brien's local Lemurs up to something?
- (4) Why do Lemurs spend so much time trying to get their mitts on
- credit cards?
- (5) What's this I hear about a 900 number for Lemurs?
- (6) Can thinking about Lemurs have positive benefits?
- (7) What did the late historian and humorist Will Cuppy have to
- say about lemurs?
- (8) Did Old McDonald have lemurs on his farm?
- (9) How can you tell if you have a lemur problem?
- (10) If a bunch of lemurs infested my dorm room, what would it be
- like?
- (11) What if I _wanted_ lemurs around? How would I arrange that?
- (12) Has anyone actually sat down and talked with an actual lemur?
- (13) What is the "Lemurata"?
- (14) What is a Rufous Mouse Lemur?
- (15) Do lemurs get along with other sorts of animals? Pets, for
- example?
- (16) Suppose you were a resident assistant in a college dormitory.
- And suppose you had lemurs living on your hall. What would
- that be like?
- (17) Are there lemurs in, say, Central Europe?
- (18) What about in England? Any lemurs there?
- (19) Write a story about lemurs following the Edward Bulwer-Lytton
- "dark and stormy night" style for me, please?
- (20) What did Nigel the Lemur do to Dick Depew of ARMM fame?
- (21) Who is LEMORO?
-
- Lemur Humor is continued in Part 3 of the FAQ, "Part 3 of 6 -- Lemur
- Humor Part Three."
- ------------------------------
-
- The Answers
-
-
- (1) Would it be a good idea to give a Lemur a toolbox for his or
- her birthday? Are Lemurs vocationally skilled?
-
- No. As Ryan Franklin notes:
-
- I do know that it's a bad idea to give a Lemur a
- toolbox for his or her birthday. Oh yeah, they're
- really grateful and they thank you profusely for days
- (mainly by not soiling the carpet), but then one
- morning you'll wake up and find that same
- oh-so-grateful Lemur making "just a few improvements"
- on your car's engine, with about a dozen
- grease-stained parts of your transmission lying out on
- the driveway. Wonderful species, nice opposable
- thumbs, but absolutely NO mechanical aptitude whatso-
- ever. Definitely not the auto repairmen of the pri-
- mate world.
-
- Alt.fan.lemurs has heard differing opinions on this question,
- though. One guy said his car got 100 miles to the gallon after
- this happened to him and he never missed the leftover parts, but
- for some reason the radio would only play Radio Antananarivo.
- Another guy, cursing loudly, said that the car smelled of caramel-
- ized sugar for weeks after the Lemurs had their way with it.
- Finally he took it to a garage and found that the Lemurs had left
- some half-eaten Twinkies inside the trans-mission case (said
- Twinkies now being extremely inedible, as opposed to slightly
- inedible).
-
- On the other hand, well over 80% of the Lemur population can get a
- job as a locksmith or as a window washer, according to a recent
- article in Barron's. This brings them up to #3 on the "Most in
- Demand" list for the major primate families. Unfortunately, few
- Lemurs appear to want those jobs, perhaps because they can get all
- the food they need from nearby vending machines and/or used record
- stores.
-
- Locksmithing would appeal to Lemurs if they stopped to _think_
- about it since a locksmith-trained Lemur would be hell on wheels
- in the vending machine world. Who'd need being able to wriggle
- into the machine if you could just pop it open and swipe _every-
- thing_ in one swell foop?
-
- Window washing, on the other hand, does not appeal to the Lemurs
- of our acquaintance. Neither Rudolpho nor Nigel expressed any
- interest in washing windows. They see windows as necessary evils,
- shutting out the natural breezes but keeping in the warmth here in
- countries that aren't warm year-round.
-
- -----------
-
- (2) What are Lemurs' tails used for?
-
- An excellent question.
-
- Ryan Franklin asked:
-
- Incidentally, can anyone tell me if a Lemur's tail is
- partially prehensile? Able to hook on to a branch or
- ceiling lamp and help stabilize them while they climb
- and swing and cavort joyfully in the air? I know they
- have to keep them up in the air while leeming (or else
- trip themselves), but I was wondering if there was
- some sort of purpose to their tail other than looking
- nice.
-
- Joel Furr responded:
-
- As far as I can tell from this book I checked out called
- "Lemurs And You," Lemur tails are not prehensile. Instead
- they use their little paws to cling to things that need
- clinging to... ceiling lamps, Cindy Crawford, Twinkies,
- etc...
-
- Ryan responded:
-
- Hm. Then, apart from looking really nice, what purpose do
- their tails serve? They seem to be rather inconvenient
- whilst leeming, as I mentioned before, and even something as
- simple as being able to use it as a way of stabilizing
- themselves when climbing or clinging would go a long way
- towards explaining this prosimian puzzle.
-
- David A. Boulton provided the answer:
-
- I don't know about Joey, Rudolpho, and other urban,
- twinkie-addicted Lemurs, but in the wild Lemur tails have at
- least two purposes that I am aware of.
-
- As you guessed, one use is for keeping their balance, sort
- of like a high-wire walker using a pole. Lemurs (even with
- those nice opposable thumbs) aren't very good at construct-
- ing balance poles, so they use their tails to swish around,
- maintain balance, and prevent their crashing to the ground.
- Most Lemurs greatly appreciate not crashing to the ground,
- (not to mention its Darwinian survival value) and over time
- they evolved large, bushy tails with extra good swishing
- capability.
-
- The other reason to have a very long tail is for inter-Lemur
- communications while leeming across the ground. Lemurs
- generally live in social groups. They watch out for one
- another, and have an advantage against predators if the
- group stays together. Some act as look-outs while others
- feed, and so on. When feeding on the ground, especially
- while moving through tall grass, it's easy to get lost from
- the group. A long tail acts as a sort of flagpole. You stick
- your tail in the air, and silently say "Yo! I'm a Lemur, I'm
- over here, stay with me, and everything will be cool". The
- absence of Lemur tails in your general vicinity would tell
- you that you had better leem your butt back to the rest of
- the troop.
-
- This is why ringtails have rings on their tails. It makes
- them more visible. There is also a theory that the black and
- white coloration works on the same principle as zebra
- stripes. Dazzle whatever is chasing you with a sea of bounc-
- ing/leeming Lemur tails, and maybe he'll miss -- or at least
- maybe he will miss *you*.
-
- Also, and most important of all, Lemur tails look *really*
- nice.
-
- -----------
-
- (3) Are Robert O'Brien's local Lemurs up to something?
-
- Robert O'Brien states:
-
- I'm really not very good at interpreting what little commu-
- nication they (the ones that hang out on my patio some
- nights while I'm logged in) deign to give me, but the way I
- understand it, the Lemurs are really the natives, *we* are
- the aliens (rejects, left here by the dominant species on
- our home-world who were tired of all the *whining*) and the
- Lemurs have been trying all this time to reactivate the
- cows' ship and program it to send *us* back, or just about
- anywhere. But the cover story will be at least as good as
- the Douglas Adams "B Ark" story, so most of us will be very
- happy to go...
-
- Hmm, I thought they were gone, and it'd be safe to
- type this, but they're back now, and clearly doing
- what passes for a Lemur laugh, so I guess I've been
- taken in again... one born every minute ...
-
- You be the judge.
-
- -----------
-
- (4) Why do Lemurs spend so much time trying to get their mitts on
- credit cards?
-
- Never give a Lemur a credit card. A checkbook is bad enough, to
- be honest, but they go seriously wild with credit cards. Not only
- do baby Lemurs covet them (they open cages like magic if you know
- how to use them), but they allow you to buy brand-new Burl Ives
- records in quantity off of late-night TV commercials.
-
- -----------
-
- (5) What's this I hear about a 900 number for Lemurs?
-
- An ad posted by Daniel Pawtowski reads, "To listen to the exciting
- call of the wild Lemur, simply call 1-900-465-3687 (that's
- 1-900-GO-Lemur) for only $4.95 for the first minute, 15.95 each
- additional minute. Major credit cards accepted. Adults only, no
- chimpanzees, please."
-
- Alt.fan.lemurs does not vouch for the veracity of this ad.
-
- -----------
-
- (6) Can thinking about Lemurs have positive benefits?
-
- A quote from Douglas Adams' work _So Long and Thanks For All The
- Fish_ gives us some hints:
- [Arthur Dent] tried not to think about the ground,
- what an extraordinarily big thing it was and how much
- it would hurt him if it decided to stop hanging there
- and suddenly fell on him. He tried to think nice
- thoughts about Lemurs instead, which was exactly the
- right thing to do because he couldn't at that moment
- remember precisely what a Lemur was, if it was one of
- those things that sweep in great majestic herds across
- the plains of wherever it was or if that was wilde-
- beests, so it was a tricky kind of thing to think nice
- thoughts about without simply resorting to an icky
- sort of general well-disposedness toward things, and
- all this kept his mind well occupied while his body
- tried to adjust to the fact that it wasn't touching
- anything.
-
- -----------
-
- (7) What did the late historian and humorist Will Cuppy have to say
- about lemurs?
-
- "The Lemur is one worse than the Monkey. He is often mistaken for
- a squirrel, a rabbit, an Agouti, or anything but a Lemur. He has
- been described as a state of mind or ectoplasm. The Lemur is a
- primate because people say so. The Lemur sleeps all day and
- nobody tells him that he is a tramp. When disturbed he sort of
- squeaks. Most Lemurs live in Madagascar, but they are never quite
- warm enough. ... Lemurs comb their hair with their lower front
- teeth. They mature almost instantaneously. In a way we came from
- lemurs because they are also descended from an extinct Tree Shrew
- something like a large Rat. From the Tree Shrew to the Dogfish is
- but a step, which practically brings us to the amoeba. So perhaps
- the lemur is to blame for it all."
-
- -----------
-
- (8) Did Old McDonald have lemurs on his farm?
-
- Apparently so.
-
- >News Flash!
- >
- >FARMERSVILLE, Nebraska: Wilga Hansworth never imagined the treasure
- >hidden in the attic of her farm house in rural Nebraska. After moving
- >an old chest of drawers, she discovered a set of yellowed and hand-
- >written sheets of music. Upon examination, the music was found to be
- >the original and complete source of the song "Old MacDonald". More
- >significant was the existence of a new verse, long forgotten and
- >possibly never published:
- >
- > Old MacDonald had a farm, ee-aye-ee-aye-o,
- > and on that farm he had a lemur, ee-aye-ee-aye-o,
- > with a cheep-cheep here and a frink frink there,
- > here a cheep, there a frink, everywhere a cheep, frink,
- > Old MacDonald had a farm, ee-aye-ee-aye-o.
- >
- >She is quoted as saying, "I'll be danged if I know what a lemur is."
-
- This news clipping comes to us from Jim Kuiper (jim@zog.eid.anl.gov).
-
- ---------------
-
- (9) How can you tell if you have a lemur problem?
-
- This answer comes to us from Ben Ostrowsky (sylvar@maple.circa.ufl.edu):
-
- >TOP TEN WAYS OF TELLING YOU HAVE A LEMUR PROBLEM
- >================================================
- >
- >10. Anonymous notes scrawled on napkins, in crayon, and left on the
- > kitchen table, demand two-liter bottles of Big K grape soda.
- >9. You wake up every morning only to find your National Geographic
- > collection scattered all over the floor.
- >8. Hanging light fixtures begin malfunctioning more often than usual.
- > Small cracks may appear in the ceiling.
- >7. All the Twinkies coupons have been torn out of the newspaper and
- > attached to the refrigerator with magnets.
- >6. Crude maps of Madagascar are drawn on the bathroom mirror with
- > deodorant.
- >5. You wake up in the middle of the night, feeling something hairy
- > brush across your lips -- and you're single.
- >4. Lemur-B-Gon billboards in your city or town are often defaced.
- >3. A fine powder on the floor turns out to be Kool-Aid mix. (Note:
- > if it's Purplesaurus Rex, don't assume that lemurs are causing
- > this problem -- it COULD be other small prosimians. Purplesaurus
- > Rex is a very popular flavor among prosimians.)
- >2. A resurgence of early 1980's music on your local radio stations.
- >
- >And the number one way of telling you have a lemur problem...
- >
- >1. Neighbors complain that you yell "frink!" during sex and ask you
- > to please be more quiet in the future.
-
-
- ---------------
-
-
- (10) If a bunch of lemurs infested my dorm room, what would it be like?
-
- Joel Baxter had to suffer through precisely this circumstance:
-
- "Since I moved here to California, I've begun to be plagued by in-
- explicable phenomena. I regularly come back to my room after
- class to find the door ajar and the television on, tuned to a National
- Geographic special. Often the refrigerator door is open as well; I
- think that my stock of Coca-Cola is slowly diminishing, but, oddly, the
- V-8 seems to be untouched. This has been going on for about a month,
- which is disturbing enough in itself, but recently, the strangeness has
- begun to escalate. About a week ago, I began to notice that my Macin-
- tosh was also turned on, when I was sure that I had shut it off before
- leaving. Some of my arcade games now have new high scores that I can't
- account for, signed only with the letters "CHP". Two days ago,
- to top it all off, I got some angry email claiming that I had made lewd
- postings to alt.ptang.
-
- Naturally, I had an angry confrontation with my roommates, who deny
- everything. One of them said that it was probably "the lemurs" that did
- it, as if that explanation cleared everything up. I'm wondering if I
- should give some credence to this theory, or if I need to immediately
- start looking for new roommates.
-
- Besides the obvious worry that at least one of my roommates is playing
- sociopathic mind games with me, I'm beginning to be severely frustrated
- by the occurrences themselves. If I find out that all my stamps and
- envelopes have been thoroughly pre-licked ^one^ ^more^ ^time^, I think
- I'll scream. So, what do you think? Are lemurs that prevalent on
- Stanford's campus (we do have a lot of vending machines), or in Califor-
- nia in general? Could they be responsible for the things I've been
- discovering? Could a lemur crack my account and post to the usenet
- under my name? And, what might be most incriminating, can a lemur, as
- Apple claims, actually learn how to use the Macintosh GUI?
-
-
- ---------------
-
- (11) What if I _wanted_ lemurs around? How would I arrange that?
-
- Joel Baxter again has some helpful input:
-
- If you actually <want> a lemur presence in your abode, I don't think
- that it would be necessary to shell out any cash. Jugs of Big K Grape
- Soda on the doorstep will do nicely. Or, you might try provoking their
- lovable primate curiosity, by posting large signs on your door reading
- "ABSOLUTELY POSITIVELY NO MADAGASCARIAN PROSIMIANS ALLOWED", or "Note to
- Twinkie Deliveryperson: Leave the fourteen Twinkie Econo-Paks (tm) that
- I ordered in the kitchen. Thank you.".
-
-
- ---------------
-
- (12) Has anyone actually sat down and talked with an actual lemur?
-
- Our interviewing staff had occasion to interview a bona fide lemur, one
- "Diana," late one night on the Yale campus:
-
- Q: How did you first discover that you were a lemur?
-
- A: Well, to start with, I was a net addict. I read alt.geek for a
- long time, because it seemed to be for me. But there was a furry
- bristling of discomfort once in a while; I shiverred at the
- thought of any of these people actually meeting me and discovering
- that I frink and stuff like that. I discovered alt.fan.lemurs by
- accident. I fell from the ceiling late
- one night and hit just the right combination of keys.
-
- Q: Do you agree with the way in which lemurs are represented in
- a.f.l.?
-
- A: For now, yes, I find it flattering. I haven't had the luxury of
- a long-term sense of identity which would allow me to criticize my
- own community. Right now I am enjoying this sense of fellowship
- and popularity.
-
- Q: You talk very much like a human.
-
- A: Yes, this is a skill I acquired out of necessity. You may
- notice that the language is formal, stilted. I do not find the
- words I need in human language. I stutter in person. People lose
- patience because I take so long to say what I mean. They don't
- understand that there are things I want to say and just can't.
- I've heard humans say stuff like, "I'm speechless," or, "I can't
- find the words to express..." but then they go right on talking,
- apparently undisturbed by this supposed lack of words.
-
- Q: But you are quite verbose.
-
- A: To compensate. What have I said so far? Not much, but I come
- across as very talkative, right?
-
- Q: Do you spy on people at night?
-
- A: Yes, I love window-peering. I have spied on nearly everyone who
- posts in this group. My observations are quite interesting, but
- again, you don't have the vocabulary for them. Anything I could
- say in your vocabulary is rather dull, something you know already.
-
- Q: Have you ever wanted to go to Madagascar?
-
- A: The travel agencies won't sell me a ticket. I'd love to go, but
- I have to wait for the next lemur tour. My first step is to visit
- my North Carolina kin. I'm scared, though.
-
- Q: Do you see hope for the lemur community in the future?
-
- A: Why all these questions? I'm not the interviewing type. I'm not
- typical of all lemurs, and you can't see me right now. You have no
- idea what I'm doing. I'm laughing my head off and bouncing up and
- down! And you took all
- this seriously! Ha!
-
- Q: I think I'm missing the joke.
-
- A: That's cause the joke's on you! Ha ha ha!!!
-
-
- ---------------
-
- (13) What is the "Lemurata"?
-
- Susanna Richardson <glink@silver.ucs.indiana.edu> shared "Lemurata" with
- us, after finding it typed into her computer late one night when no one
- else was around (that she knew of). Doubtless the "Lemurata" is Wisdom
- of the Ages if you're a lemur.
-
- LEMURATA
-
- Swing silently amid the fans & light fixtures, & remember what pleasure
- there may be in not having to replace broken bulbs. Avoid Silent
- Lemurs, unless you are in need of skin grafts. Rotate your Twinkie (tm)
- supplies, putting the stale ones on top. * Frink warmly of those who
- have more Big K than yourself and heed well their nap times: know what
- to *ptang* and when. * Consider that two cows never make a lemur, but
- that three can kill (if they ever get inside the ship again). Whenever
- possible, dial Madagascar and leave the phone off the hook. * Be
- comforted that in the face of all idiotic behaviour by lemmings and
- despite the inability of humans to pronounce *ptang* properly, their
- credit cards are easy to steal. * Remember the Mooser. * Strive at all
- times to Frink, Ptang and WhoooOOOOoooo. * Know yourself. If you need
- help, call the DUPC. Exercise caution in your nightly 7-11 break-ins,
- especially if you use a human look-out. * Be assured that a swing
- through the jungles of most humans souls would be a major risk to life
- and limb, the tangled undergrowth is unbelievable. Particularly, stay
- away from the id. * Frink therefore with only the lemur with the most
- Twinkies (tm). Accept no Little Debbies (tm). * Gracefully surrender
- the things of youth, leeming, little raisins with chocolate, expired
- phone cards and Internet access for Nigel. Let not inferior soda drinks
- be served. * Annoy people nightly, screens are for banging. * For a good
- time call 555-1212, ask for Hillary. * Take heart amid the deepening
- gloom that the hyenas are finally getting enough Cheetos to justify
- helping kill the Command Cow: and reflect that whatever misfortune may
- be your lot, it could only be worse in Aachen. * You are a leemling of
- the Universe; you have no keys to the CowShip, and whether you can hear
- it or not, there's a big dark shape in the alley RIGHT BEHIND YOU!!!
- with glowing eyes and milky breath. * Aieee! * Therefore, make plane
- reservations for Annatanarivo right now. * With all its hopes, dreams,
- promises and slash & burn economy the world continues to be a place
- where lemurs can get a Twinkie (tm) at 3am.
-
-
- ---------------
-
-
- (14) What is a Rufous Mouse Lemur?
-
- Joel Baxter points out:
-
- I believe that we should pay more attention to the Rufous Mouse Lemur.
- Besides the fact that it's irresistably cute, it seems to me that it has
- potential for mischief that its larger brethren may lack. One Rufous
- Mouse Lemur could fit quite nicely through a mail slot, allowing it to
- then open the door for the dozen Ringtailed Lemurs, slightly boffoed
- after one too many Big K's, that had the sudden urge to set up a
- Slip-`n-Slide (tm) in your master bedroom and take turns riding the
- carousel of your CD changer. While a baby lemur could serve this
- purpose as well, they tend to be more easily distracted. A full-grown
- Rufous Mouse Lemur is quite a bit brighter, and, (so I've heard) will do
- just about anything for a half-ounce hit of Big K.
-
-
- ---------------
-
-
- (15) Do lemurs get along with other sorts of animals? Pets, for
- example?
-
- Joel Kent Baxter says:
-
- My local lemurs seem to display a contempt, if not downright hostility,
- toward domesticated animals. While we like to think of the lemurs as
- cuddly fun-loving creatures, there may be a darker side... the notes on
- my monitor, for instance, seem to indicate a certain condescending
- attitude toward dogs. I've noticed that while the local lemurs get
- along quite affably with the campus raccoons, the dogs and cats tend to
- give my place (and other infested buildings such as the workstation lab
- and the laundry room) a wide berth. I'm not sure what's going on, but
- the noises that I sometimes hear at night (barking intermixed with the
- sounds of pruning shears, an outboard motor, and what I believe is a
- tennis ball machine) make me think that perhaps I don't really want to
- know.
-
- Of course, no one would believe that the lemurs get along with the
- raccoons simply because they mistake them for portly ringtails. I
- believe that the lemurs simply don't have any patience for animals that
- let themselves get pushed around by humans, and only the raccoons have
- enough chutzpah to be on the lemurs' "in" list. That may be why lemurs
- seem to have a proclivity for cow-taunting; after all, the rank and file
- of the cowsmonaut descendents are pretty much domesticated by now. For
- those that disagree, I have one word: McDonalds.
-
- ---------------
-
- (16) Suppose you were a resident assistant in a college dormitory. And
- suppose you had lemurs living on your hall. What would that be like?
-
- Matt Rice (mrice@eniac.seas.upenn.edu) shared his experiences with us:
-
- A few lemurs live on my floor, and a few more live throughout the
- building. They aren't allowed to keep bazookas in the rooms.
- This has caused a small controversy in the past, but they've found
- a way around it. The lemurs have started building catapults.
- They're very accurate with them, actually. I've had to ask them
- to cool it more than once when they started bombing the residence
- halls on the other side of campus. Who would have thought that
- stale twinkies could maim?
-
- And as far as tripping over them on my way to the shower, that
- doesn't happen. BUT, when I'm doing my nightly rounds, I have had
- to tell them to stop swinging from the ceiling lights. (I know
- they just get right back up there when I'm gone, but it's the
- principle).
-
- The biggest complaint they have is the student commisary doesn't
- sell Big K grape soda. The shipping charges for two liter bottles
- is enormous, so mail order is out of the question. They've been
- substituting Barq's root beer, but I can tell they don't like it
- very much.
-
- Also, I've noticed they won't use the nearest convenience store.
- It is called "Wa-wa," and is a fairly large chain in the north-
- east. As far as I can tell, it's a rather nasty word in Lemurese,
- and they refuse to shop there. They even refuse to talk about it.
- Everytime one of the human residents says "I'm making a Wa-wa run,
- anyone want anything?" when he/she is gone, the lemurs hack into
- their computer accounts and start a flame war in talk.abortion.
- It's not a pretty sight.
-
- Unfortunately, there is little respect for our furry residents.
- Some humans even deny their existence. One even went so far as to
- blame her missing CD-ROM disc loader on elves, when any fool knows
- that the lemurs were using it to find out what happens when you
- load Peter Gabriel CDs into the NTIS CD database. (It was return-
- ed, by the way.)
-
- Lemurs had to adapt to dorm life, since most rooms don't have
- lights in the ceilings, only floor lamps. There are, however,
- sprinkler pipes that hang down a good foot and a half from the
- ceiling. The human residents dry their laundry or hang their
- bikes on these (the laundry is ok, the bikes aren't). The lemurs
- swing from them like nobody's business. The most complaintes come
- from residents at 3:00 am when the lemurs start banging on them
- with spoons they 'liberated' from the dining hall. Has something
- to do with what the home shopping network offers as a special...
-
-
- ---------------
-
- (17) Are there lemurs in, say, Central Europe?
-
- Frank McPherson went backpacking in Europe in 1992 and had the following
- experience, which tends to answer "yes" to the above question:
-
- I had just spent a week in rural Hungary and was absolutely dying
- for a real live western candybar when I returned to Vienna,
- Austria. I left the u-bahn station and headed towards the center
- of town, stopping in the first grocery store I came to. I im-
- mediately became enamoured with and bought a package of six or
- eight Bounty candybars. I'm pretty sure I only got to eat one of
- them.
-
- The theft happened later that evening. I was walking down a small
- street, trying to remember where the hostel I had reserved a room
- in was located. I kept hearing strange THUD sounds surrounded by
- a laughter I'd never heard before coming from a lighted, open
- window up ahead. Every once in a while, I could swear it looked
- like a kitchen light with a small monkey would swing madly out the
- window, reach the top of its arc, and swing back through the
- window, accompanied by gales of the strange laughter. When I
- approached the window to see what was going on, something furry
- jumped on my head and covered my eyes. After it jumped off, I
- ran. When I finally calmed down enough to realize I was not in
- any danger, I reached in my backpack to get a Bounty to further
- calm my nerves. They were gone.
-
- It makes sense that the Lemurs like Vienna. It's warm in the
- summer, with a booming tourist trade, and a LOT of junkfood. Do
- you think they ever attend the Staatsoper? The Wiener Philhar-
- moniker? I bet they like Beethoven....
-
- ---------------
-
- (18) What about in England? Any lemurs there?
-
- Mike Knell quoth:
-
- Lemurs are, as far as I can tell, rare in Britain. The lack of
- Twinkies is the exact same thing that keeps many Lemurs away.
- There are a few notable exceptions though - Arthur the City Lemur
- is a well-known sight amongst merchant bankers, with his unique
- pin-striped ringed tail. I can think of no credible British
- substitute for the Twinkie (although I've never had one, the
- descriptions are very graphic). Would a Lemur like a
- Crunchie?
-
- Big K is totally unobtainable, possibly some of the generic
- supermarket brand fizzy orange/blackcurrant drinks would suffice.
- Having said that, I've heard rumours of a corner shop in Solihull
- that sells Twinkies, so there may be a change to come. Britain may
- be on the verge of a major Lemur invasion if the correct food
- becomes available. Keep the ceiling lights though. Displaying your
- National Geographic collection prominently in your window should
- also encourage Lemurs, especially if you leave the ones with
- articles about Madagascar at the front.
-
- There are also disturbing numbers of Cows in Britain. The black-
- and-white ones are especially worth watching out for, but then to
- my knowledge the Terror Cow has never been sighted here, for-
- tunately.
-
- It's good to see that people in Britain are also taking Lemurs
- seriously. To be hit by a wave of Lemurs arriving through Heathrow
- without being prepared at all could be devastating for the coun-
- try's junk food supply. Watch out for those Hungarian piccolo
- players appearing at airports.
-
-
- ---------------
-
-
- (19) Write a story about lemurs following the Edward Bulwer-Lytton "dark
- and stormy night" style for me, please?
-
- It was a dark and stormy night. Melanie and I walked slowly down
- the hill, picking our way among the boulders. It was our first
- trip to this part of the country, and we were truly in awe of the
- vast natural beauty that surrounded us. Huge pillars of stone
- towered above us, stretching up cliffs rising hundreds of feet
- into the air. Wow.
-
- As the storm picked up, we stopped under an overhang and watched
- as Mother Nature battered the countryside with biting, driven rain
- and powerful blasts of lightning. Slowly, I pulled a Twinkie from
- my jacket.
-
- Before I could offer it to Melanie, however, a small furry thing
- swung down from above and landed before me. It was a lemur, and
- it wanted my Twinkie. My worst nightmares were coming true. As I
- was backed up against the cliff, there was no place to run. I
- tried to lateral the Twinkie to Melanie, but the lemur was just
- too quick. It snatched the snack from midair and leapt away. It
- stared at me for a moment, said "Frink", and was gone forever.
-
- After a while of standing in silence, Melanie and I turned and
- continued our trek down the mountainside. It was only then that I
- noticed the absence of my grape soda.
-
- Thanks be to Tob Wood for that Lemur Gothic story.
-
- ---------------
-
- (20) What did Nigel the Lemur do to Dick Depew of ARMM fame?
-
- From: nlemur@world.std.com (Nigel the Lemur)
- Newsgroups: alt.fan.dick-depew,alt.fan.lemurs
- Subject: Re: fan??!!
- Date: 9 Apr 93 05:19:55 GMT
- Organization: The World Public Access UNIX, Brookline, MA
-
- In article <1353@ulogic.UUCP> hartman@ulogic.UUCP (Richard M.
- Hartman) writes:
- >Nigel! There's a bunch of TWINKIES stashed in Dick's hard
- drive....
-
- *TWINKIES* mmmmmmmmm
-
- <sounds follow that _could_ be those made by a hungry lemur
- ripping the plastic and metal shell of Depew's computer open and
- discovering the Twinkies concealed within>
-
- snarf snarf snarf snarf snarf
-
- <sounds follow that _could_ be those made by a sated lemur stuff-
- ing the empty Twinkie wrappers neatly inside the ruined hard drive
- and leaving>
-
-
- ---------------
-
- (21) Who is LEMORO?
-
- LEMORO is the fictional creation of Jeffrey Klein (klein@egr.msu.edu).
-
- Dr Dooley Banner, theorizing that the true potential of sponge
- cake could be unlocked by gamma radiation, exposes a Twinkie to
- the lethal rays! Jeff Klein, shiftless layabout, unwittingly
- consumes the golden confection, causing his very CELLULAR PATTERN
- to be IRREVOCABLY ALTERED! He is now --
-
- LEMORO, the LEMUR that WALKS like a MAN!!!!!
-
- With a purposeful grimace and a terrible 'frink'
- He chugs down a bottle of Big K grape drink -- LEMORO!
-
- Helpless cows in a big cow ship
- Scream as his bug-eyes look into it -- LEMORO!
-
- He picks up a Twinkie and he throws it over his shoulder
- As he wades through the aisles to the center of Kroger
-
- Oh no, they say he's got to go, go go LEMORO!
- Oh no, there goes a Ho-Ho, go go LEMORO!
-
- History shows, then and now
- How lemurs point up the folly of cows
-
- LEMORO has starred in a series of films, such as LEMORO VS KOW
- KONG, LEMORO LET DIE, IT'S A WONDERFUL LEMORO, and SHE'S GOTTA
- HAVE LEMORO.
-
- -----------
-
- Lemur Humor is continued in Part 3 of the FAQ, "Part 3 of 7 -- Lemur
- Humor Part Three."
-
-
- ------------------------------------------------------------------
- Prepared January 31, 1993 by Joel Furr, jfurr@polaris.async.vt.edu
- Revised February 15, 1993 by Joel Furr, jfurr@polaris.async.vt.edu
- Revised April 5, 1993 by Joel Furr, jfurr@polaris.async.vt.edu
- Revised July 6, 1993 by Joel Furr, jfurr@polaris.async.vt.edu
- Revised August 2, 1994 by Joel Furr, jfurr@acpub.duke.edu
- Archive-name: lemur-faq/part3
- Alt-fan-lemurs-archive-name: lemur-faq/part3
- Last-modified: 1994/08/02
- Version: 4.0
-
- Official USENET Alt.Fan.Lemurs Frinkquently Asked Questions
- Part 3 of 7 -- Lemur Humor Part Three
-
- ------------------------------
-
- The Questions
-
- (1) How can you catch a ringtailed lemur?
- (2) Is Joel Furr the new Messiah?
- (3) What is MAKE.TWINKIES.FAST?
- (4) Do lemurs like to make prank phone calls?
- (5) How did Ben Ostrowsky spend his summer vacation?
- (6) How did Vance Kochenderfer spend his summer vacation?
- (7) How did Walter Scheuermann spend his summer vacation?
- (8) What happened to the case of Big K grape soda that was supposed to be
- awarded to the person who wrote the best How I Spent My Summer Vacation
- essay?
- (9) Are there any comic books devoted to lemurs?
- (10) Are there any musicals devoted to lemurs?
- (11) Can lemurs masquerade as humans?
- (12) How do lemurs taste?
- (13) Is it a good idea to hire lemurs to do odd jobs around the house?
- (14) What are the offspring of lemurs called?
- (15) What exciting new shopping experiences await the lemur of tomorrow?
-
- The FAQ continues into Part 4, Lemurs Versus Cows.
-
-
- ------------------------------
-
- The Answers
-
-
- (1) How can you catch a ringtailed lemur?
-
- Tom Cikoski (splinter@allink.com) wrote:
-
- A short time ago I posted a report on a trip to the Trevor Zoo at the
- Millbrook School in New York. I noted that their ringtail had
- adopted a Zonker-like pose high on the wall of his room, catching the
- late afternoon rays.
-
- Yesterday I was flipping thru a book on lemurs when, lo and behold,
- there's a picture of a ringtail in exactly the same pose! I had been
- thinking that the Millbrook ringtail was some cool character, but in
- fact Zonker-behavior is a characteristic of the species.
-
- So, this changes somewhat the recommended method for catching any
- ringtails that might be in your neighborhood.
-
- 1. If no natural sunbeams are available, set up a sun lamp in a
- likely spot.
-
- 2. Provide a place for the ringtail to sit in the fashion of a
- sunbather at the beach. You might want to make a small canvas beach
- chair or chaise lounge. Make sure it has arms on it for the lemur to
- stretch out.
-
- 3. You might want to set out some Big K Grape and a few Twinkies, but
- I gather that the chance to improve the tan will be a greater attrac-
- tion than any snack.
-
- 4. A portable radio tuned to an EZ listening station is a nice added
- touch.
-
- 5. Definitely do NOT put out a pair of Foster Grants. He wants to
- see those rays unhindered.
-
- 6. Wait patiently for a ringtail.
-
- Let me know how you fare. Since I can drive for half-hour and see a
- ringtail catching rays I won't need to set this trap myself.
-
- -----------
-
- (2) Is Joel Furr the new Messiah?
-
- Strange though it may seem, this question HAS come up on alt.fan.lemurs. The
- only answer that has been offered was posted by Vance Kochenderfer:
-
- "Yea, though I walk through the valley of the Lemur of Death, I shall
- fear no evil; thy Twinkies and thy ceiling fans, they comfort me."
-
- Apparently this is part of some obscure creed which lemurs follow.
-
- -----------
-
- (3) What is MAKE.TWINKIES.FAST?
-
- Newsgroups: alt.fan.lemurs
- From: torsten@cwis.unomaha.edu (Torsten Wesley Adair)
- Subject: MAKE.TWINKIES.FAST
- Date: Sun, 21 Nov 1993 20:41:43 GMT
-
- If you're curious, take a second and read this...
-
- Dear Friend,
-
- My name is Ignatz Frozzlschnotz. In September 1988, my car was
- repossesed, and the bill collectors were hounding me like you
- wouldn't believe. I was laid off, and my unemployment checks had run
- out. The only escape I had from the pressure of failure was my
- computer and my modem. I longed to turn my advocation into my
- vocation.
-
- In October 1988, I received a letter in the mail telling me how I
- could earn 50,000 Twinkies or more whenever I wanted. I was
- naturally very skeptical and threw the letter on the desk next to my
- computer. It's funny though, when you're desperate and backed into a
- corner, your mind does crazy things. I spent a frustating day
- looking through the want ads for a job with a future. The pickings
- were sparse at best. That night I tried to unwind by booting my
- computer and calling several bulletin boards. I read several of the
- message posts and then glanced at the letter next to the computer.
- All at once it came to me. I now had the key to my dreams.
-
- I realized that with the power of the computer, I could expand and
- enhance this pleasure making formula into the most unbelievable food
- generator that has ever been created. I substituted the computer
- bulletin boards in place of the post office and electronically did by
- computer what others were doing 100% by mail. Now only a few letters
- are mailed manually. Most of the hard work is speedily downloaded to
- other bulletin boards throughout the world. If you believe that
- someday you deserve that lucky break that you have waited for all
- your life, then simply follow the diections below. Your dreams
- will come true.
-
- Sincerely yours,
-
- Ignatz Frozzlscnotz
-
- -- INSTRUCTIONS --
-
- Follow these directions EXACTLY, and in 20 to 60 days, you will have
- received well over 50,000 Twinkies, all yours. This program has
- remained successful because of the HONESTY and INTEGRITY of the
- participants. Please continue its success by carefully adhering to
- the instructions. Welcome to the world of Mail Order! This little
- business is a little different than most mail order houses. Your
- product is not sold or tangible, but rather a service. You are
- a business of developing Mailing Lists. Many large corporations are
- happy to pay big bucks for quality lists (the money made from the
- mailing lists is secondary to the Twinkies which are received from
- people like yourself requesting that they be included in that list).
-
- [1] Immediately mail one Twinkie to the first five (5) names listed
- below starting at number 1 and going through number 5. Send Twinkies
- only please (total investment is five Twinkies). Enclose a note with
- each letter stating "Please add my name to your mailing list". (This
- is a legitimate service that you are requesting, and you are paying
- one Twinkie for this service).
-
- [2] Remove the name that appears at number 1 on the list. Move the
- other 9 names up one position. (Number 2 will become number 1, and
- number 3 will become number 2, etc.). Place your name, address, and
- zip code in the number 10 position.
-
- [3] Post the new letter with your name in the number 10 position into
- ten(10) separate bulletin boards in the message base or to the file
- section, call the file MAKE.TWINKIES.FAST.
-
- [4] Within 60 days, you will receive over 50,000 TWINKIES. Keep a
- copy of this file yourself so that you can use it again whenever you
- need money. As soon as you mail out these letters, you are
- automatically in the mail order business, and people are sending you
- a Twinkie to be placed on your mailing list. This list can be then
- be rented to a list broker that can be found in the Yellow Pages for
- additional income on a regular basis. This list will become more
- valuable as it grows in size. This is a service. This is perfectly
- legal. If you have any doubts, refer to Title 18, Section 1302 &
- 1341 of the postal lottery laws.
-
- NOTE: Make sure you retain EVERY name and address sent to you,
- either on computer or hard copy. Do not discard the names and notes
- they send you. This is PROOF that you are truly providing a service,
- and should the IRS or any other government agency question you, you
- can provide them with this proof!
-
- Remember, as each post is downloaded and the instructions carefully
- followed, five members will be reimbursed for their participation as
- a List Developer with one Twinkie each. Your name will move up the
- list geometrically so that when your name reaches the number 5
- position, you will be receiving thousands of Twinkies.
-
- -- NAMES --
-
- 1. Elisha Lansman MB
- 1087 Brandeis University
- Waltham, MA 02254-9110
-
- 2. Dmitri Linde
- 744 Mayfield Ave.
- Stanford, CA 94305
-
- 3. Claude Suddreth
- 131 W. Jackson
- South Sapulpa, OK 74066
-
- 4. Lirong Chen
- 124 Stanton Ave. Apt. 6
- Ames, IA 50014
-
- 5. Angel Negron
- Box 4583
- USAFA, CO 80841
-
- 6. Hugh MacMullan
- 19 Skylonda Dr.
- Woodside, CA 94062
-
- 7. Scott MacFarland
- 1224 E. Lemon #144
- Tempe, AZ 85281
-
- 8. Kevin Trigger
- 125 Honeysuckle Dr.
- Boalsburg, PA 16827
-
- 9. Rich Wood
- 113 Keenan Hall
- Notre Dame, IN 46556-5615
-
- 10. Torsten Adair
- 9319 Meadow Drive
- Omaha, NE 68114-2230
-
- -----------
-
- (4) Do lemurs like to make prank phone calls?
-
- Yes. Here's one true account posted by an alt.fan.lemurs reader, Malinda
- McCall (mmccall@emoryu1.cc.emory.edu) who was apparently targeted by her
- local lemurs. Malinda, take it away:
-
- This really happened! Truly!
-
- >RING!< >RING!< >RING!<
-
- ME: Hello?
-
- CALLER: whooooooo frink
-
- ME: Who is this?
-
- CALLER: cheepcheepcheep whoo FRINK!
-
- ME: Is this Eric? I told you, I am not interested. I have a
- boyfriend!
-
- CALLER: FRINK?
-
- ME: Yes, frink, and often.
-
- CALLER: whoo whoo
-
- ME: Who is that? This is getting annoying.
-
- CALLER: chirp cheepcheep whooo-frink hssss cheep
-
- ME: No, I don't have Prince Albert in a can.
-
- CALLER: whoo. :(
-
- ME: WHat was that last bit?
-
- CALLER: :(
-
- ME: Oh, an inaudible sigh of regret. Say, I have to go to work
- tomorrow, and it is three a.m., so let's cut this short---
-
- CALLER: frink chirp?
-
- ME: No, they are white, actually, but I do own some frilly black
- ones. HEY! Cut that out!
-
- CALLER: cheep cheep cheep whoooo frink
-
- ME: You must have the wrong number. There is no "Hillary" here.
-
- CALLER: Frink frink frink whooooooOOOOOoo
-
- ME: I am positive.
-
- CALLER: hsssst whoooooo FRINK, whoo whooo chirp.
-
- ME: My refrigerator is fine, if that is what you mean.
-
- CALLER: Frink whoo whoo?
-
- ME: I don't need siding.
-
- CALLER: Whoo?
-
- ME: Nope, I have an encyclopaedia.
-
- CALLER: Chirp chirp whooo
-
- ME: Time share? I don't exactly have any extra cash to throw away,
- no.
-
- CALLER: Whoo whooo cheep cheep cheep
-
- ME: I can't support Perot, the elction is over.
-
- CALLER: Whoo Cheep Cheep?
-
- ME: There is no Seymour Butts here.
-
- CALLER: whooo frink?
-
- ME: No, there is no Jack Mehoff either.
-
- CALLER: whooo frink cheep cheep chirp
-
- ME: I gave at the office.
-
- CALLER: whooo whooo cheep cheep
-
- ME: I think I am already 'saved', thank you. Isn't three a.m. a bad
- time to call folks for your church?
-
- CALLER: whooo frink cheep
-
- ME: Why yes, I do have a large quantity of delicious grape-flavored
- chemical-enhanced soda!
-
- CALLER: WHOOOOOO FRINK??
-
- ME: No, no Twinkies, but I do have lots of Little Debbie Swiss Rolls
- and Ho-Ho's.
-
- CALLER: whooo frink, cheep?
-
- ME: It is a lovely chandelier, an antique. It lights the place up
- nicely.
-
- CALLER: whoo frink frink whoo?
-
- ME: Why would you want to know if I had a cat? I used to, and I
- should really get around to sealing the cat door, but I've been very busy.
-
- CALLER: hssss frink!
-
- Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
- zz...
-
- ME: Hello?
-
- ME: Hello?
-
- ME: I think the little cretin hung up.
-
- [An hour later]
-
- ME: What the hell is that racket down in my kitchen??
-
- Malinda
-
- So watch what you say to any lemurs that call you on the telephone.
-
- -----------
-
- (5) How did Ben Ostrowsky spend his summer vacation?
-
- Taking physics. Here's his account:
-
- Sophomore physics is boring, sometimes. When I realized I'd be
- spending my summer working out problems about pendulums and such,
- I promised myself that I'd have some fun... no matter what.
-
- Lemur Philosophy, lesson one: There's nothing so bad it can't be
- made better by being silly and self-indulgent.
-
- At first, the homework I turned in was done precisely according to
- the book. Occasionally, I'd state a formula and attribute it to
- Frink, but aside from that there was strictly no goofing about.
- The class was intended to cover a semester's material in six
- weeks.
-
- As the class progressed rapidly, the questions began to change.
- When quoting problems from the book, I would write in a different,
- but similar, situation.
-
- One problem asks:
-
- "A hunter points his rifle at a monkey which is in a tree. As the
- hunter fires, the monkey lets go of his branch and begins falling.
- Will the bullet hit the monkey?"
-
- The answer is yes. The question, however, is rather boring. When
- I wrote up the problem, I wrote:
-
- "A lemur is swinging from a chandelier. His companion is about to
- use a slingshot to deliver a Twinkie to the lemur on the chande-
- lier. The slingshot is pointed directly at the swinging lemur.
- As his friend lets go of the Twinkie, the first lemur goes into
- his dismount and begins falling. Will the lemur catch the
- Twinkie?"
-
- The answer I gave was a proper theoretical argument. At the end,
- I added:
-
- "And, of course, there's nothing that can keep a lemur from a
- Twinkie."
-
- I got an A on that homework...
-
- ------------
-
- (6) How did Vance Kochenderfer spend his summer?
-
- Vance Kochenderfer (vkochend@nyx.cs.du.edu) wrote:
-
- What did I do on my summer vacation? Well, not much, although I
- managed to spend a lot of money on a car that is now dead. I also
- spent a lot of time thinking about getting a permanent job. Not too
- much lemur-related stuff going on. The pool party was fun, but
- all of the filters are clogged with fur now and I don't think I'll
- ever be able to remove all the Big K Grape stains. Then J. Arthur
- Lemur threatened to sue me because he slipped and hit his head on
- the diving board even though it was his own damn fault for trying
- to do a triple somersault with a half twist when he knew as well
- as anyone he couldn't do anything with a degree of difficulty over
- 3.8.
-
- But they're gone now, apparently back to Virginia Tech to try and
- sell elevator passes and tickets to the pool on the roof to the
- new freshpeople.
-
- ------------
-
- (7) How did Walter Scheuermann spend his summer vacation?
-
- Walter Scheuermann (SYSTEM@ikews7.energietechnik.uni-stuttgart.de)
- wrote:
-
- My holidays were once again spent on the British Isles normally
- noted only for their Cow population and not for a high concentra-
- tion of Lemurs. Well you have to admit it's not easy to bring a
- Lemur to Britain, if you smuggle them they tend to shout frink at
- very inconvenient moments and steal the officers wallets, very
- embarrassing. Quarantine is no alternative, if you ever tried to
- get a Lemur into quarantine you'll probably know what I'm talking
- about.
-
- Well as my journey was coming to an end I had a very strange
- experience, it all happened on the Intercity Edinburgh to London
- Kings Cross. I boarded the train in Newcastle, not knowing what
- was waiting for me and only about 2 miles to Durham it happened.
- Suddenly the train came to a halt, first I didn't realize this as
- something special but as the conductor reported technical problems
- I started to wonder.
-
- After about 1/2 hour of staring out of the window I noticed the
- complete lack of farm animals in the area especially Cows. I asked
- the conductor whether the train was transporting anything else
- then travellers and he told me that there were two more wagons
- carrying a load of Twinkies and Grape Soda of unknown value and
- suddenly everything became clear to me. I headed for the buffet
- wagon and asked for some Grape Soda and as expected the vendor
- told me that he had only beer and hot drinks left, another clue to
- support my thoughts. I started to watch the repairmen and noticed
- that one of them had a black and white tail hanging out of his
- pants. The whole operation Big K only took about 3 hours to
- complete on our train.
-
- Unfortunately I was not able to leave the train because they had
- manipulated the electronics. A smaller group used the resulting
- chaos to rob the station kiosks of Durham and Darlington blind of
- any candy bars.
-
- ------------
-
- (8) What happened to the case of Big K grape soda that was supposed
- to be awarded to the person who wrote the best How I Spent My Summer
- Vacation essay?
-
- Richard Hartman (hartman@ulogic.UUCP) wrote:
-
- In article <CD0ow6.5By@polaris.async.vt.edu> jfurr@polaris.async.vt.edu (Joel
- Furr) writes:
- >I've still got that case of Big K Grape Soda that I bought to award to the
- >person who posted the funniest What My Lemurs Did Over Summer Vacation
- >article, and since only two people said anything and neither was funny,
- >it's still waiting for a winner.
-
- Examine that case carefully. This may be an empty claim. According
- to all reports my lemurs' summer project was to infiltrate and claim
- the prize prior to it's awarding.
-
- They tunnelled up under the crate and used high speed drills to tap
- into the bottles from underneath without breaking the glass. Then
- they just stood in the tunnels with their little mouths wide open
- to slurp up the prize. There was only a little pushing and shoving
- since there were almost enough soda streams for them all (although
- it did take little Joseph a few days to get his fur all un-sticky).
-
- So, everyone out there, beware! The LGSST (Lemur Grape Soda Strike Team)
- has been blooded and is thirsty for more action!
-
- More to the point, there is no prize left to compete for, so save your
- entries, 'twill be for naught!
-
- (Joel: as proof that the LGSST was actually there, they say that you
- should take down that tacky "dogs playing poker" wall hanging....)
-
-
- ------------
-
-
- (9) Are there any comic books devoted to lemurs?
-
- Well, possibly. Some time back, Jeffrey Klein wrote:
-
- Yes, friends, VaporComix is pleased to announce the launching
- of the world's first lemur anthology comic series,
-
- ---LEMURS-A-GO-GO!---
-
- Preview of issue #1:
-
- [] Fans of all-out action will thrill to the riotous return of
- the priemier prosimian pugilist, the monstrous Madagascarite,
- LEMORO, the LEMUR who WALKS like a MAN! In his latest reign
- of terror, Lemoro must face the bovine Brodbignagian, KOW KONG!
-
- [] Pablo Picasso, Norman Rockwell, Ernest Hemingway and Elliot
- Ness will be just a few of the guest stars in a series detailing
- the early adventures of the lemur whose name IS adventure, in
- THE YOUNG INDRI-ANA JONES CHRONICLES!
-
- [] We begin our tribute to the great American actor James Stewart
- with MR. LEMUR GOES TO WASHINGTON, the story of a mild-mannered
- gentle lemur who accidentaly finds himself in the U.S. Congress!
- Soon, he sets to rid Washington of corruption by staring at
- politicians with his huge, baleful eyes and pointing at them
- with his long, bony, accusing finger! Dir: Frink Capra.
-
- Well, that's what we have planned for the first issue of
- LEMURS-A-GO-GO, and all of us here at VaporComix hope you
- go out and pick up a copy Real Soon Now! We look forward
- to your feedback!
-
- ------------
-
- (10) Are there any musicals devoted to lemurs?
-
- Many. Lemurs are highly musical beasts, you know.
-
- Sue Miller, noted playwright, shared with us part of the libretto from "Lemur
- Side Story":
-
- The wildly popular lemur musical Lemur Side Story opens to the
- sound of cud chewing and hooves clicking. The cows are discussing
- herd politics.
-
- When you're a cow, you're a cow all the way,
- From your first slurp of milk to your last bale of hay!
- When you're a cow, someone hears when you moo --
- You've got your herd around, you're gregarious too!
-
- The cowship is here! The bovine plan's succeedin'.
- You lemurs frink off, 'cause every cow's proceedin' ...
- The herd's stampedin'!
-
- Meanwhile, our hero, the ringtailed lemur, has just met his true
- love. Alas, she is of the wrong species.
-
- The most beautiful sound I ever heard:
- Sifahka, sifahka, sifahka, sifahka...
- All the beautiful sounds of the world in a single word:
- Sifahka, sifahka, sifahka, sifahka...
-
- Sifahka!
- I just met a Coquerel's Sifahka.
- And suddenly I found Twinkies wrappers all around my floor!
- Sifahka!
- A cute little fuzzy sifahka
- Will bang on all my screens, and hog the whole big screen TV!
-
- Sifahka. Say it loud and the cow's will get you.
- Say it soft and they'll never forget you.
-
- Sifahka. I'll swing all night long with Sifahkas.
-
- WHAT WILL BECOME OF OUR LOVERS?
- WILL TRUE LOVE TRIUMPH OVER EVOLUTION?
-
- OR WILL THE BOVINE PLOT DESTROY THEIR
- HAPPINESS ALONG WITH THE REST OF THE WORLD?
-
- AND WHAT ABOUT THOSE MYSTERIOUS SHAPES IN THE SKY?
-
- ------------
-
- (11) Can lemurs masquerade as humans?
-
- Christopher Hoskins (cphoskin@major.cs.mtu.edu) wrote:
-
- My roommate and myself now suspect that there is a lemur hiding here in
- our dorm under the guise of a MTU student. We have conclusive proof of
- him begging for a twinkie while he was sleeping. HIS roommate captured
- this vital evidence on tape. An interesting happenstance, if you ask
- me. It could be coincidence, but then again, you can never be too safe
- when you have a stash of twinkies in the room.
-
- What tests should we perform now to gather conclusive evidence that he is
- really a lemur in sheep's clothing?
-
- ------------
-
- (12) How do lemurs taste?
-
- Bill Sellers (bill@moonmoth.demon.co.uk) supplied the answer when this
- question came up:
-
- In article <jorn.4.0@jorn1.csir.co.za> jorn@jorn1.csir.co.za writes:
- >Nice place. I think I will visit more often.
- >How do lemurs Taste?
-
- With their sharp little teeth and questing tongues. How do you taste?
-
- ------------
-
- (13) Is it a good idea to hire lemurs to do odd jobs around the house?
-
- Apparently not.
-
- The Crafts Lady (dogpest@mead.u.washington.edu) wrote:
-
- Help!
-
- Last month, we hired a lemur to do odd jobs around the house -
- jobs so odd only a lemur could do them. He would polish the
- insides of our shoes, wax the ceilings, and vacuum the lawn. They
- are remarkably well suited to this sort of work, and we were very
- satisfied with his performance.
-
- Unfortunately, our daughter fed the lemur some leftover fried
- chicken after school one day and he has acquired quite a taste for
- the food. He now eats between five and six pounds of fried chicken
- a day, pausing only to belch and stretch while the spent carcass
- is removed from his plate and another delivered by a family
- member. My wife no longer has time for housekeeping and our house
- has gradually become a frowsy shambles. Rats nest in the pantry,
- and the roof may collapse soon. I hate to say it, but I believe
- the lemur has outlasted his welcome in our home.
-
- Have any readers of this newsgroup ever dismissed a lemur from
- domestic service? Since they are endangered, are there any special
- procedures that must be followed? I would prefer to break the news
- gently, as I do not want to hurt his feelings, and I do not relish
- the prospect of having my esophagus removed by the arboreal
- nocturnal mammal and used as a stylish fashion accessory (as this
- is a leading cause of death I understand in Madagascar, if ever
- there was one) as you can well imagine.
-
- ------------
-
- (14) What are the offspring of lemurs called?
-
- Bill Sellers (bill@moonmoth.demon.co.uk) wrote:
-
- Spurred on by the ever-helpful Rachel Perkins, I am posting a series of
- possible names for that which is not yet named, to wit, the offspring of
- lemurs. What shall they be called as individuals, and what as a litter?
-
- Here are some possibilities.
-
- Category Single Several
- ~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~
- Ultra-cute lemlet, lemlette fluff
-
- Cute lemurling bundle
-
- Neutral young litter
-
- Not very cute sprog heap
-
- Bizarre gruntling packet
-
- Usenet troll kibo
-
-
- ------------
-
- (15) What exciting new shopping experiences await the lemur of tomorrow?
-
- Torsten Adair (torsten@cwis.unomaha.edu) wrote:
-
- As I was reading the Sunday edition of the Omaha World-Herald this
- morning, I came across a short article and photo describing the
- construction of a new "Super K" store in Lincoln, Nebraska. This
- store is owned by the K-Mart Corporation, and has nothing to do
- with the Circle K stores.
-
- However, according to the article, these new stores will combine
- grocery stores and K-Mart stores, and will be arranged thematical-
- ly, so that baby strollers will be located near baby food and
- diapers. Thus, it will be even easier for Lemurs to locate
- necessary items, such as Twinkies, grape soda, electronics,
- and fusion generators. I doubt that these stores will use the
- swinging fluorescent lamps found in most stores, but the recessed
- ceiling panels should allow Lemurs even easier access to most
- parts of the store, concealed behind the foam panels, crawling
- along the wiring and asbestos-free pipes.
-
- The article did mention two Super-Ks in Ohio, one of which is in
- Medina. Would anyone care to report on the architecture, layout,
- and security systems used in the Super-Ks?
-
- ------------
-
- The FAQ continues into Part 4, "Part 4 of 7 -- Lemurs Versus Cows."
-
- ------------------------------------------------------------------
- Revised August 2, 1994 by Joel Furr, jfurr@acpub.duke.edu
- Archive-name: lemur-faq/part4
- Alt-fan-lemurs-archive-name: lemur-faq/part4
- Last-modified: 1994/08/06
- Version: 4.0
-
- Official USENET Alt.Fan.Lemurs Frinkquently Asked Questions
- Part 4 of 7 -- Lemurs Versus Cows
-
- This posting contains the ugly truth behind the Lemur-Cow feud.
-
- ------------------------------
-
- The Questions
-
- (1) What's the story about these Lemurs I occasionally see flying
- past my window?
- (2) How come the Lemurs can get onto the cow starship when the
- cows themselves can't get back in?
- (3) What is the Terror Cow?
- (4) What is the Cowship Investigation Agency?
- (5) Is Allan Murphy actually a cow?
- (6) Has anyone besides Allan had these weird cow experiences?
- (7) What was the so-called "Last Report of Agent North By North-
- west?"
- (8) Where can I get weapons to fend off the Cows?
- (9) Have Microsoft and IBM been infiltrated by the Cows?
- (10) Have the cows tried any clever new strategies?
- (11) Are the lemurs actually stringing the cows along, laughing
- from the shadows while the cows fumble about on their mad
- dreams of world domination?
- (12) What are all these cow-related things doing in a lemurs
- newsgroup?
-
-
- ------------------------------
-
- The Answers
-
-
- (1) What's the story about these Lemurs I occasionally see flying past
- my window?
-
- When you see a Lemur fly past your window, odds are that it was
- one of the Lemurs trying out the new anti-grav packs they've
- "borrowed" from the cows' ship. [We refer here to the Cow Ship
- rumored to be hidden somewhere in the fields around Blacksburg,
- Virginia, the ship that the ancestors of all cows traveled to this
- planet in before losing the key and locking themselves out) The
- anti-grav packs used to be horseshoe-mounted, with four to a cow.
- But as individual units, they'll lift a Lemur quite nicely. Of
- course, they are programmed to accept verbal cow commands, so the
- Lemurs have to "Moo" to fly with them.
-
- Lemur hackers are at this very moment trying to reprogram the
- anti-grav packs to accept commands in Lemur-ese, a job complicated
- by the cows' practice of programming all their equipment with a
- powerful Multiple-Object-Oriented (MOO) language. The Lemur
- hackers are attempting to install a highly technical form of
- Lemur-ese: from what we hear, there are 3 separate words they're
- trying to install for one command:
-
- * the first, or "prefrink", command, is the action (what the
- Lemur wants to happen)
- * the second, or "cofrink", command, is the recipient of the
- action (e.g., if the prefrink is "attack" [in Lemur-ese, of
- course], the cofrink would be, for example, Daniel
- Pawtowski, to pick a name at random)
- * the third word, or "postfrink", is similar to what in
- English we call an adverb. Example, "fly Tulsa _quickly_"
- (translated from Lemur-ese). Or, "attack store _nuclear_."
-
- -----------
-
- (2) How come the Lemurs can get onto the cow starship when the cows
- themselves can't get back in?
-
- Lemurs are much smaller and more agile than the cows, so they've
- managed to unbolt the grates over the intakes for the scramjets
- and gain access to the ship's interior via the engineering
- crawlways. They love to sit up on the bridge, staring through the
- windows at all the surrounding cows with their big eyes. This, of
- course, annoys the cows to no end. Luckily for them, though, the
- main systems cannot be activated by a Lemur, as they are keyed to
- the security codes imbedded into the forward hooves of the Command
- Cows.
-
- The worrying thing is this: what happens if the Lemurs find a way
- to hotwire the main weapons panels? Without access to the power
- systems the guns would only be at about one-tenth power but still,
- that could toast a major city before you could say "heat wave."
- The cows are just not up there when it comes to devious pranks
- such as the Lemurs are known to excel at. After all, our big-eyed
- Lemurs are primates. And primates, as we all know, are the natural
- leaders. Look who's wearing the pants around THIS planet anyway.
- Primates. Cows are more brute-force stand-around-and-be-bored-and-
- chew-your-cud kinda creatures. You'll never see anyone painting
- pictures of bucolic herds of Lemurs chewing cud against a
- hill-side and sunset backdrop.
-
- -----------
- (3) What is the Terror Cow?
-
- Well, basically, the theory goes that there's ONE cow that
- somehow has access to the high-tech arsenal aboard the cow ship.
- Perhaps this cow does not actually have access to the ship
- itself, but rather to a secret store of weapons taken off the
- ship before the keys were lost. In any case, the Terror Cow is
- both heavily armed and bad-tempered.
-
- The lemurs have still not figured out how the Terror Cow manages
- to keep its supply of rocket-launched grenades and other weapons
- of mass destruction up. Just when you think "The Terror Cow MUST
- be out of anti-tank missiles," there comes that knock on your
- front door and that low, eerie-sounding mooing.
-
- Ron Jarrell, who is probably reading this, once wrote an abso-
- lutely hysterical post on the subject of the Terror Cow. Had
- very little to do with lemurs, but let's treat it as a sort of
- tangent. Anyway, it went something like this:
-
- "I was sitting at home one night when I heard someone knocking at
- my front door. I was upstairs so I looked out the window to see
- who it was. Looking down, I saw what appeared to be a large
- bovine creature standing on its hind legs, ringing the doorbell.
- Sitting out on the street was a large tanklike vehicle with guns
- all over it."
-
- "I called down, 'Who is it?'"
-
- "Moooove your car, it's blocking the road."
-
- "I don't HAVE a car."
-
- "Mooooove your furniture."
-
- "I didn't hire any movers, I'm not moving."
-
- "Terror Cow."
-
- "Why didn't you say so in the first place?"
-
- The Terror Cow has been sighted many times over the years, always
- mooving ominously about in a large armored vehicle armed with
- weapons of mass destruction. A very cheesed off bovine, as far
- as anyone can tell.
-
- Mike Knell (eeyimkn@unicorn.nott.ac.uk) reports:
-
- "I went out for a few beers last night, and when I got back in found
- that the steak I'd nailed to my door as protection against the ven-
- geance of the Terrow Cow (I'm on the hit list after the episode with the
- three Lemurs, the crisps and some coffee) had been incinerated - it had
- obviously grown very hot at some point. When I got in to my room (the
- lock had been smashed with a blunt hoof-like object), I found that a big
- pile of grass had been left there, and my teddy bear had been shot
- through the head. The note left on my VDU read 'Next time, it's
- youuuuu...'. Strangely enough, all my milk had been thrown out of the
- window as well."
-
- ---------------
-
- (4) What is the Cowship Investigation Agency?
-
- The Cowship Investigation Agency, or CIA, is headed by Allan
- Murphy. Allan seems obsessed with uncovering the secrets of the Cow
- Ship, at present known only by the lemurs who are small enough to fit
- into the scramjet intakes and thereby gain access to the interior of the
- ship. Allan has prepared a "Cowship Investigation Questionnaire",
- included immediately below, which he would appreciate your completing
- and returning to him if you know anything about the cow ship, the
- Terror Cow, or the cow weapons used by the lemurs.
-
- --- Begin Questionnaire
- ---------8<---------------------------------------------
-
- 1) Are you now, or have you ever been in the employ of cows ?
-
- 2) Come on now, you don't expect me to believe that. Tell the
- truth. It'll be easier that way.
-
- 3) Where is the cow starship ?
-
- 6) What width is a scramjet intake ?
-
- 7) And just exactly how do you know this ?
-
- 8) Are you close friends with any of the following:
- A) A lemur
- B) A tarsier
- C) A koala
- D) A flying phalanger
- E) Any form of sloth
- F) Joel Furr
- G) Gary Larson
- H) A command cow
- I) Other cow- or lemur-related being.
-
- 9) Which of the above do you think would fit up a scramjet
- intake best ?
-
- 10) Have you ever heard a cow talk, or seen one act in an unusual
- way ? ( eg, fly through the air, pass by in spacecraft, stand
- up and say "I am a command cow, bow down before me, earth-
- ling" )
-
- 11) Have you ever seen bright moving lights in the sky, accompa-
- nied by a low "moo" sound ?
-
- 12) Which of the following would persuade you to reveal all about
- the cows plans first ?
- A) A pack of angry tarsiers
- B) A hotwired Mooser up the left nostril
- C) An agent of the Cowship Investigation Agency questioning
- you in a whining voice
- D) Torture -
- D1) Chinese Water torture ( drip..drip...drip....)
- D2) Chinese Lemur torture ( frink...frink...frink..)
- D3) Japanese Fish torture ( sushi'd to death )
- D4) Japanese Geisha torture ( sashay'd to death )
- E) 1 litre of Big K Grape Soda
- F) A night watching videos with hyenas, beer'n'Cheetos
- G) Other-please specify
-
- 13) Do you own any suspiciously hi-tech devices ?
-
- 14) Do you have an irrational aversion to beef or milk ?
-
- 15) Which do you eat on Sundays ?
- A) Mom's apple pie
- B) As many twinkies as you can find, with Big K Grape soda
- C) grass - nice fresh green grass, and plenty of it
- D) Bamboo
- E) Eucalyptus leaves
- F) Other-please specify
-
- 16) In your own words, describe a Terror Cow.
-
- +----------------------+-----------------------------------------------+
- | | Subject marked for: Termination |
- | For Office Use Only | Surveillance |
- | | Mauling by tarsier pack |
- | | Big K Grape Soda delivery |
- | | .signature flaming |
- +----------------------+------------------------------------------------
-
- --- End Questionnaire ---------8<------------------------------------
-
- ---------------
-
- (5) Is Allan Murphy actually a cow?
-
- Allan says "no." Well, actually, he goes into more detail:
-
- >I would just like to take this opportunity to point out that, in fact,
- >I am NOT a cow!
- >I am NOT a cow!
- >I am NOT a cow!
- >I am NOT a cow!
- >
- >I've even got the documentation to prove it, look, Cowship Investi-
- >gation Agency ID card, driving license, bovine spongiform encephalitis
- >immunization certificate...
- ---------------
-
- (6) Has anyone besides Allan had these weird cow experiences?
-
- Several readers have: Josh Brandt, Susanna Richardson, Paul Williams, Jon
- Ward, and Ben Hardy:
-
- Joshua Brandt (mute@wpi.wpi.edu) wrote:
-
- >I was once chased by a group of cows, and was forced to take refuge on
- >the roof of a 1940's flatbed truck. They surrounded me, while I
- >cowered on the roof, but began to act nervous and finally ran away,
- >leaving me in peace. I remember, as I climbed from the truck, a
- >strange low "cheep" sound coming from the treetops...
-
- Joshua also makes predictions of what an attack by the Terror Cow would
- be like:
-
- >Late at night, there will be a low knocking at your door. Thinking
- >it's finally the Twinkie'n'Grape Soda delivery person, you will stride
- >happily to answer it. However, once the door is opened, your doom will
- >be sealed, and you will find yourself face-to-face with a hulking,
- >shadowy figure, glistening with the blood of horribly crush Lemurs and
- >their kind. It will wave aside its cloak, and raise up the anti-tank
- >missile launcher it carries in its left hoof. With slow deliberation,
- >knowing you are frozen with icy terror, it will take aim and slowly,
- >oh so slowly, depress the trigger on its weapon of terror.
-
- Susanna Richardson (glink@silver.ucs.indiana.edu) had a sighting that
- may or may not be cowship-related:
-
- >Well, I grew up in Wisconsin, so that's a pretty broad range to cover
- >with a simple answer. Seeing a cow on top of a granite boulder over
- >twenty feet high is almost a religious experience. Seeing the other
- >cows worshipping her is also awe-inspiring. She looked much like any
- >of the other Guernseys, so I couldn't tell if she was a command cow
- >or not.
-
-
- Paul Williams (pakw@okra.css.oz.au), replying to an ad for a restaurant
- called the "Flying Lemur," wrote:
-
- > What I am wondering is, has anyone
- >actually ever witness a flying lemur or is this just a thing
- >of fantasy and legend.
-
- Not fantasy or legend. The cowship is a reality (witness the US and
- other countries' efforts to find its location). The anti-gravity flying
- platforms are a reality (there is much anecdotal evidence). The lemurs
- have broken into the cowship and are wreaking havoc on civilisation in
- ways fearsome and mischeivous (trust me on this). Luckily they are only
- interested in the food thing else you'd find them wispering in the ears
- of higher political powers for nefarious and diabolic purposes.
-
- Remember: the little beasties are *inside* the net already and the
- greatest secret about them is afsdklhjKLHJASDKLBNMBNm has
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- circumstances to *comletely* A sdfkhjafnASD(*&^& asd asdhafsd
- anhfgdkldfgusdfghjsfdgkhjsfgdkhjfgsdkhj frink frink frink a drink
- of juice ASFASD hjaskjfaouasdfklhafsdkljasdafsdhjafsdkljafsdkljafsd
- sad asdjasifiakdfj0.
-
- Also, the cows are trying to have an end to the lemurs secret lobbying
- capability; to no avail. With the loss of the command ship access and
- the resulting disorganisation in the herd, cows find it hard to even
- discuss the problem amongst themselves, let alone find a solution.]
-
- So, congratulations on a good choice of name. What sort of food (books)
- will you be serving? Would you like to give yourself a free plug? How
- about discounts for weary and hungry a.f.l. travellers? Do you serve
- Twinkies(tm)?
-
- >Steve
- >The Flying Lemur
- >Lakewood, Oh
-
- Oh what? Did the Command Cow get you just as you were ending your
- article? They can track the emissions from your keyboard using special
- sensors in the forward hoof, and are well aware when anyone is talking
- about their mortal enemy: lemurs. I'm not worried. I live in a bunker,
- 100 m underground. :-)
-
- Regards,
- Paul
-
- Jon Ward (eee90041@ibm3090.bham.ac.uk) wrote:
-
- THE COMMAND COWS ARE TAKING OVER BIRMINGHAM UNIVERSITY
- I have not been able to post for the last week as the UseNet reader
- would not allow me to. I put this down to a temporary error until I
- noticed that the academic computing services here have stopped having
- milk delivered.
-
- My suspicions aroused, I started scouting of the surrounding area.
- Sure enough, in the field behind the computing centre, there stood a
- cow, surrounded by three other cows looking at it. It turned and
- looked in my direction...I ran away, but it saw me.
-
- Coming home last night, I found tank-track marks outside. The garden
- had cloven hoof prints in the grass. I was under surveillance. My
- lemur-like featues had been noted. (Hairy body, blue eyes, facial
- hair, short, 13 years of National Geographics, A network addiction,
- and a real Burl Ives record).
-
- Then tonight, as drove home, I saw the Terror Cow. It stood outside
- my house, her tank nonchalenty parked on top of two minis and a
- capri. Standing on her hind legs, she towered 10 feet into the air.
- Her bulky flak jacket covered with pockets, each bulging with gre-
- nades and mines. Both front hooves had multi-barrel missile launchers
- the size of snare drums, while her chest was crossed with bandoliers.
- This was not a cow to call Daisy and put a straw hat on.
-
- And so I know I have been targeted for termination. I don't know how
- long I can stay on the run. I need anti-bovine weapons fast, or I
- will be found Moodered in a ditch somewhere in Selly Oak. I am Jon
- Ward in Birmingham, England. Email : eee90041@ibm3090.bham.ac.uk. My
- address is 38 Add724ld AdiR^Rghj**
-
- NO CARRIER.....
-
-
- Ben Hardy <RAAI@music.macarthur.uws.EDU.AU> wrote:
-
- We now have reason to beleive the Terror Cow is resorting to
- mind-control tactics. At work the other day I noticed several
- workmates placidly standing in the hallway, quietly. For some reason,
- their stomachs were growling rather loudly, and they were chewing
- gum. Their pupils were dialated as well. At the time I passed it off
- as an office joke, and didn't associate it with cows at all. Admit-
- tedly it's not everyday you see seemingly normal people lurking in
- corridors indulging in bovine behavior, but it wasn't particularly
- disturbing until one of them began to emit an eerie mooing sound
- after I returned to my office.
-
- Fortunately, a few minutes later it was 5 pm, time to leave. The
- instinct to get out of the office overrode the Terror Cow's wiles,
- and the last I saw of these people was them grazing on some trees
- near the railway station... go figure!
-
- ---------------
-
- (7) What was the so-called "Last Report of Agent North By Northwest?"
-
- >From: North by Northwest
- >Subject: Cow Offensive Warning!
- >Date: 7 Apr 1993 18:35:12 GMT
- >Summary: Cow invasion fleet spotted!
- >Keywords: Cow Ship Key Mooser HELP!
- >
- >Yesterday, I tried to transmit a report, using a couple of anonymous
- >remailers to thwart their intercept operators. That attempt seems to
- >have failed. Their Universal Decrypted Data Electronic Receivers are
- >obviously much more capable than we suspected.
- >
- >However, I seem to have eluded them for the moment. I'm using a
- >different technique -- maybe I can get thru. Who could have suspected
- >that cows were computer-literate?
- >
- >I got out of the lab just in time. This thing that they're after --
- >what is it? It doesn't seem to have any controls -- nothing moves on
- >it, and it seems to be all one piece. It looks almost like a giant key
- >... but what could it fit?
- >
- >I desperately need to contact the Prompt Response Organization for the
- >Suppression of the Invasion Mooovement. I have just realized why this
- >object was delivered to the Image Processing Labs at JPL. Not only
- >have we photographed one of the cows' landing craft -- WE CAN SEE THEIR
- >INVASION FLEET!
- >
- >The so-called Comet 1993e "Shoemaker-Levy" is a very peculiar set of
- >objects in orbit around Jupiter. We can distinguish as many as 17
- >separate "nuclei" in a precise bar-like formation. I have photographs
- >of this "comet" in electronic form (GIF, JPEG) that I will try to get
- >to the proper authorities.
- >
- >Almost simulaneously, another Kuiper-belt "asteroid" (similar to
- >1992QB1) has been located. Is this the mother ship, lurking far beyond
- >Saturn? Most horrifying of all, we have spotted a supernova! Was
- >Supernova 1993J in M81 a civilization that failed to resist the Combat
- >Offensive Weapons of this invasion fleet? Is it our turn next?
- >
- >If there is anyone in the Pasadena area who cavD5*{|
- >N0 CARRIER
-
- ---------------
-
- (8) Where can I get weapons to fend off the Cows?
-
- Leigh Porter ( leigh@frink.demon.co.uk) writes:
-
- >Hello all!!
- >
- >We (not a royal 'we' 'cus there really is two of us here) are proud to
- >offer the UK's Lemur community a superb range of Lemur goods, direct and
- >at half price from our Lemur house in the Twinkie Zone -
- >
- >Cow fallout shelter:-
- > This BEEF lined shelter, designed to be used underground will
- > defend any Lemur from over 5000 pats of cow activity, if you are
- > in danger from the Terror Cow, then this is for you.
- >
- > Only $5,672,800,000,000
- >
- >- Rump steak proton guns:-
- > This new weapon will ward away any bovine creature to a safe
- > distance, using the best Rump steak batteries, this weapon will
- > fire a continuous stream of high energy RUMP protons, harmless to
- > Lemurs but DEADLY to cows at the target.
- >
- > Only $7,811,083,784
- >
- >CowView cow surveillance device:-
- > This small unit, capable of being hidden almost anywhere will
- > monitor all bovine activities and will send them to a suitable
- > receiver at up to 100 Kilometers away.
- >
- > Only $102,984
- >
- >Suitable Receiver:-
- > Suitable receiver for the above item.
- >
- > Only $12
- >
- >You may ask how we manage these WONDERFUL prices, just don't ask!
-
- The prices sound a little steep to me, so perhaps you can bargain Leigh
- down. Offer him (and his "partners in business") some Twinkies.
-
- ---------------
-
- (9) Have Microsoft and IBM been infiltrated by the Cows?
-
- Vance Kochenderfer (vkochend@nyx.cs.du.edu) reports:
-
- I have discovered an infiltration of truly massive proportions! Look at
- the name of the command interpreter for the IBM PC. COMMAND.COM. Flip
- the M upside down, and what do you get? COMMAND.COW! All postings from
- Microsoft and IBM should be suspect from now on...
-
- ---------------
-
- (10) Have the cows tried any clever new strategies?
-
- Brian Antoine (briana@tau-ceti.isc-br.com) writes:
-
- I started reading this group just after its newgroup message came
- through a few months back. Within a short time afterwards, I
- discovered that my house had become part of the weekly circuit for
- the local lemur population. Ever wonder who reads the arbitron
- stats? Now, every Thursday night is poker night. A night where I
- get to supply the twinkies (used for betting) and all the Big K
- they can drink. Funny, I never seem to win any of these games,
- and the rules seem to change from night to night...
-
- Anyway, I had just gotten back from the store where I loaded up
- for tonights game and was searching for some stuff in the back
- room, when I heard a noise coming from the kitchen. When I went
- to check it out, I found a single lemur making a mess of my
- refrigerator. Now making a mess wasn't anything I hadn't seen
- before. You ought to try cleaning Big K off of the ceiling after
- the bottle has been shaken and the top removed.
-
- This lemur put them all to shame. When I yelled at it to watch
- where it was throwing the coldcuts, it poked it head over the door
- and snarled at me wanting to know 'Where the hell is the beer?'.
-
- The more I saw, the more I figured something was wrong. The lemur
- staring at me had a cigar stuck in its mouth and the eyes looked a
- little funny. They were different sizes and two different colors
- to boot. Whats more, as it moved I kept hearing a noises like
- gears grinding. When I wouldn't tell it where the beer was, it
- returned to destroying my fridge. Enough was enough and I leaped
- to try to grab it.
-
- Now anyone can tell you that trying to grab a lemur is a hopeless
- cause. If you've ever tried to get them down from where they are
- hanging on the lights, you know what I mean. This one was easy to
- catch and I it began to thrash around on the floor trying to get
- away, it started to leak something all over my floor. When if
- finally quit moving, my kitchen looked like someone had stuck a
- firecracker in a gallon jug of milk. Thats when I the small cable
- that ran from its back, across my floor, and out the window. When
- I ran to the window it was just in time to see the back door of a
- U-haul van slam shut, severing the cable that ran across the lawn
- and into the back end. The funny thing was, that as it drove off
- and hit one of the speed bumps outside of my apartment, the panel
- on the side came loose. I didn't get a good look, but I swear I
- saw part of the logo for the local dairy.
-
- Anyway, the whole mess is sitting in a bag and I'm going to turn
- it over to the normal crew when they show up for tonights game.
- This sure stinks of a new subversive attack by the cows. I wish
- they would pick someplace else for their marketing tests. We're
- still trying to round up all of the kids with extra arms growing
- out of their backs from the last marketing test Burger King tried
- on us.
-
- ---------------
-
- (11) Are the lemurs actually stringing the cows along, laughing from the
- shadows while the cows fumble about on their mad dreams of world
- domination?
-
- You betcha. The lemurs know what's going on and they're on top of
- things. Rest easy.
-
- ---------------
-
- (12) What are all these cow-related things doing in a lemurs newsgroup?
-
- Ask Tim Pierce of alt.config fame, who flamed the idea of an
- alt.fan.cows into ash a few months ago. No, anyway, it has to do
- with the origins of lemur fandom at Virginia Tech. Cow fandom
- was going strong at the same time and necessarily, the two
- strains got mixed somewhat prior to the emergence of lemur fandom
- on the national scene. Allan Murphy seems obsessed by the cows
- enough that one day we may newgroup alt.fan.lemurs.cowship and
- turn him loose there just to see what happens.
-
- ---------------
-
- The FAQ continues with Part 5 of 7, "Lemurs and the USENET Oracle"
-
- --------------------------------------------------------
-
- Revised April 5, 1993 by Joel Furr, jfurr@polaris.async.vt.edu
- Revised July 6, 1993 by Joel Furr, jfurr@polaris.async.vt.edu
- Revised August 2, 1994 by Joel Furr, jfurr@acpub.duke.edu
- Archive-name: lemur-faq/part5
- Alt-fan-lemurs-archive-name: lemur-faq/part5
- Rec-humor-oracle-d-archive-name: lemurs
- Last-modified: 1994/08/02
- Version: 4.0
-
- Official USENET Alt.Fan.Lemurs Frinkquently Asked Questions
- Part 5 of 7 -- Lemurs and the USENET Oracle
-
- ------------------------------
-
- Introduction: The USENET Oracle, an omnipotent being located at
- oracle@cs.indiana.edu, has answered a few questions on the subject
- of lemurs. Here are some of the more interesting questions and replies.
- Read rec.humor.oracle for digests of the Oracle's questions and answers
- and rec.humor.oracle.d for discussion of same.
-
- The Questions
-
-
- (1) Do lemurs bang on your bedroom windows at night?
- (2) Do you ever have trouble with lemurs swinging on your kitchen lights
- or staying up all night to watch movies on your VCR?
- (3) Do you let lemurs use your credit cards?
- (4) What should I do if I'm out driving and I come to a roadblock where
- lemurs are shaking people down for money and Chex Mix?
- (5) How much wood could a Lemur chuck if a Lemur could chuck wood?
- (6) I accidentally let a lemur log onto my computer account. Now,
- every time I type a command, the only response I get is "frink".
- Except when I try to crash the machine, in which case I get "core
- frinked". What do I do?
- (7) What will happen at LemurCon '94?
-
-
- --------
-
- The Answers
-
-
- (1) Do lemurs bang on your bedroom windows at night?
-
- > Oh most powerful and omniscient Oracle, please tell me:
- >
- > Do lemurs bang on your bedroom windows at night?
-
- And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
-
- } The Oracle considers your question in all possible contexts,
- } languages interpretations and reaches this conclusion:
- }
- } 'Not if your bedroom is off the ground floor of a building and
- } there are no trees around'
- }
- } You owe the Oracle some cut price lemur proof double glazing.
-
- Take 2:
-
- > Oh most powerful and omniscient Oracle, please tell me:
- >
- > Do lemurs bang on your bedroom windows at night?
-
- And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
-
- } No, they do not, because I when I had my current digs made,
- } I put in special glass in the windows to prevent any
- } "intrusions" to my abode. Here, let me show you this scene:
- }
- } ---------------------------------------------------------------
- } [ You see the Oracle outside his palace with his general
- } contractor. ]
- }
- } Oracle: You are going to prove that my glass windows are proof
- } against bullets, shells and exploding animals?
- }
- } GC: Sure. Here in this cannon pointed at your windows, is
- } a woodchuck primed with a high-explosive shell force-fed
- } just a little while ago. Now I push this button and
- }
- } [ Woodchuck is propelled through the air towards the Oracle's
- } bedroom window. A mighty explosion occurs. ]
- }
- } Oracle: Wow! The window looks as good as it did before, and
- } the woodchuck is completely blasted to bits!
- }
- } ---------------------------------------------------------------
- }
- } My contractor told me that my windows would be proof against
- } any exploding mammal on earth, so if a lemur went bang or
- } boom against my windows, I wouldn't even notice it.
- }
- } You owe the Oracle an Ark, with lemurs.----------
-
-
- ----------
-
-
- (2) Do you ever have trouble with lemurs swinging on your kitchen lights or
- staying up all night to watch movies on your VCR?
-
- > Oh most powerful and omniscient Oracle, please tell me,
- >
- > Do you ever have trouble with lemurs swinging on your kitchen lights
- > or staying up all night to watch movies on your VCR?
-
- And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
-
- } Well, they certainly DO this, but I don't perceive it as a problem.
- } However, since you do, it is time we took a good look at this bigotry
- } you harbor towards lemurs. When did this start? Were you once bested
- } by a lemur when trying out for team sports? Did a lemur get the edge
- } in that job interview because of Affirmative Action? Are you feeling
- } disaffected, like the entire country has forgotten about YOU and YOUR
- } rights? Did you sister threaten to marry a lemur? Are you xenophobic
- } because they come from Madagascar?
- }
- } Tsk, tsk, tsk. You seem to lack understanding and tolerance. I
- } recommend that you enter a program so that you can get help. You
- } harbor resentment and hatred for things you don't understand. The
- } next thing you know you'll be committing hate crimes against innocent
- } lemurs who have never done a thing to harm you. Get help quickly,
- } before it is too late.
- }
- } You owe the Oracle a case of bananas.
-
-
- ----------
-
-
- (3) Do you let lemurs use your credit cards?
-
- > Oh mighty and omniscient Oracle, please tell me:
- >
- > Do you let lemurs use your credit cards?
-
- And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
-
- } Sure, but only to scrape the ice off of their windshields.
- }
- } You owe the Oracle 15.28%, compounded quarterly.
-
-
- ----------
-
-
- (4) What should I do if I'm out driving and I come to a roadblock where
- lemurs are shaking people down for money and Chex Mix?
-
- > Oh mighty and omnipotent Oracle, please tell me:
- >
- > What should I do if I'm out driving and I come to a roadblock where
- > lemurs are shaking people down for money and Chex Mix?
-
- And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
- } Frightened commuter, the solution to your question depends on whether
- } the lemurs at the roadblock are Microcebus, ruffed lemurs or
- } ringtails. The Microcebus, being very, very small, are merely
- } bluffing. Simply drive through the roadblock, ignore their squeaks of
- } indignation, and keep going. The ruffed lemurs, who are extremely
- } vain, will let you go through without a shakedown if you simply hand
- } them some extravagant compliments on their thick, glossy, fur.
- } However, the ringtails are the terrorists of the lemur world. If the
- } roadblock is run by ringtails I strongly suggest you hand over the
- } money and cereal, your first-born child, any pornographic National
- } Geographics you happen to have in the car, and whatever else you can
- } think of. There are reputable reports of motorists on the I-5 being
- } robbed, dismembered, and eaten by ringtails.
- }
- } You owe the Oracle a year's membership to the Cincinnati zoo.
-
-
- Take 2:
-
- > Oh mighty Oracle, I beg for your wisdom:
- >
- > What should I do if I'm out driving and I come to a roadblock where Lemurs
- > are shaking people down for money and Chex Mix?
-
- And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
-
- } Oh, mortal, listen well to the ruminations of the Mighty Oracle!
- }
- } Okay, this is what you do. Lemurs are nocturnal, so I am
- } assuming this roadblock takes place at night. Drive up slowly,
- } then roll down your window. A lemur will probably stick its face
- } in your window, and its partner will shine a flashlight in your
- } eyes. First, reach up quickly and grab the first lemur by the
- } arm. It'll probably squeal, so pull to get it off balance, then
- } shove it off your car. Its partner will take the flashlight off
- } you. Yell, 'Damn monkeys!' out the window...lemurs HATE being
- } called monkeys. Jam the accelerator. The cars in front will
- } probably be trying to swing out of the way to give chase; lemurs lemurs
- } hate getting their cars smashed up. Now, drive really fast!
- } Lemurs tend to drive really fast cars, so you'll have to take
- } every advantage possible! The lemur's real weakness lies in the
- } fact that they are notorious law-abiders. All you have to do is
- } run a red light, and they will not follow. And that's it.
-
-
- ----------
-
-
- (5) How much wood could a Lemur chuck if a Lemur could chuck wood?
-
-
- > Oh mighty and omniscient Oracle, please tell me,
- >
- > How much wood could a Lemur chuck if a Lemur could chuck wood?
- And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
-
- } That depends on how much you're willing to pay them. If you pay
- } peanuts, you get monkeys. It's as simple as that.
- }
- } You owe the Oracle a half cord of firewood, neatly chucked.
-
-
- ----------
-
-
- (6) I accidentally let a lemur log onto my computer account. Now, every time
- I type a command, the only response I get is "frink". Except when I try to
- crash the machine, in which case I get "core frinked". What do I do?
-
- > Help, O savior of prosimians!
- >
- > I accidentally let a lemur log onto my computer account. Now, every
- > time I type a command, the only response I get is "frink". Except
- > when I try to crash the machine, in which case I get "core frinked".
- > What do I do?
- >
- > (I'm writing to you on a friend's account.)
-
- And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
-
- } The party of medical students grew excited as they followed Doctor
- } Hartmann down the final sterilised, white-walled corridor that led
- } to the high security wing of Indiana State Mental Asylum. "This is
- } gonna be the chance of a lifetime!" said Julia Kovic, psychiatry
- } student prodigy and part-time model. "You bet!" said her friend
- } David, "The most bizarre case of paranoid delusion and psychotic
- } insanity in medical history, enough to write volumes on, and we're
- } about to see it!" Doctor Hartmann tapped in the security code
- } and the steel doors hummed open. "I must caution you now, be very
- } careful how you speak to this man. If you wish to ask him a
- } question, make sure it's very inoffensive. If provoked he is
- } likely to enter a fit of rage which, believe me, you won't have
- } seen the like of before." The group walked in uninterested fashion
- } past the cells of Gruesome Gripper Graham, strangler of over one
- } hundred young virgins, and Marcus MacCallum, who ate his bank
- } manager's brain infront of a whole queue of account holders (some
- } of whom wanted to thank him afterwards).
- }
- } "Here we are" said Dr Hartmann. "Patient Bob, as we call him.
- } We never managed to get his real name out of him."
- }
- } "He was admitted in 1993, wan't he?" asked Julia.
- }
- } "That's right. After going on a killing rampage through several
- } zoos and national parks all over America. It took the FBI weeks
- } to track him down, and he somehow managed to wipe out half the
- } lemur and woodchuck population of America. He also incinerated a
- } large number of police officers with his bizarre home made gun
- } before he was finally caught." The group peered in awe through
- } the wide toughened glass window of the cell. A figure was sitting
- } with his back to them, both arms tied behind him in a restraint
- } jacket.
- }
- } "How are you, Bob ?" said Dr Hartmann. The figure snapped his head
- } around to reveal sharp, crazed eyes and a handsome face contorted
- } into a furious expression. "Shut thy mouth, O worm. I am called
- } the Oracle, THE USENET ORACLE, damn it!" "I'm sorry, Bob, but
- } there is no such person in the birth records." said the Doctor.
- }
- } "That" said the Oracle "is because I was born when the genes of
- } your ancestors were still floating around in primordial SOUP!!".
- }
- } Dr Hartmann turned back to his students. "It's OK, we've caught
- } him in a pretty good mood. Who wants to ask him a question ?"
- } Julia raised her hand first. "What makes you hate woodchucks and
- } lemurs, Oracle ?" The Oracle's eyes flared. He boomed : "They are
- } the servants of Satan, malicious imps placed here by the Dark One
- } to destroy the work of the Oracle."
- }
- } "Why do you think Satan is victimising you ?" quizzed Julia.
- }
- } "Because God gave Me the cushy job, while Satan has to spend
- } eternity in a sulphurous pit listening to politicians screaming in
- } torment and begging for another chance."
- }
- } "But woodchucks and lemurs are harmless, friendly little creatures!"
- }
- } The Oracle smiled grimly. "My child, do not meddle in the affairs
- } of the Omniscient and Omnipotent, for you would make a fine kebab
- } and wash down well with a Diet Coke."
- }
- } Julia would not give up with her rational probing.
- } "If you are omnipotent, how come you don't just break out of here?"
- }
- } "Break out ?! I came here DELIBERATELY!!! This place is a HOLIDAY
- } compared to the questions I was starting to get from alt.fan.lemurs
- } and the Cult of Woodchuck."
- }
- } Julia smiled. She was beginning to *like* the Oracle in a strange
- } sort of way, although she still thought he was insane.
- }
- } One of the students behind her was whispering to a colleague.
- } "How much would you think it costs to run this place ?"
- }
- } "What ?" asked the other, who was hard of hearing.
- }
- } "I SAID HOW MUCH WOULD -"
- }
- } At that moment Julia saw the Oracle's worse side. Only for a
- } split second, that is, before the she and the whole Asylum were
- } obliterated and sent flying in small chunks over a thirty mile
- } radius. The Oracle's blissful holiday was over; he emerged from
- } the ruins of the Asylum and trudged off in the direction of
- } Indiana University.
-
- Take 2:
-
- > Help, O savior of prosimians!
- >
- > I accidentally let a lemur log onto my computer account. Now, every
- > time I type a command, the only response I get is "frink". Except
- > when I try to crash the machine, in which case I get "core frinked".
- > What do I do?
- >
- > (I'm writing to you on a friend's account.)
-
- And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
-
- } Dear Distressed Pawn of the Conspiracy,
- }
- } Accidentally let a lemur log onto your computer! Sure, the lemur let
- } you think it was an accident. It was an "accident" that got the American
- } forces into Vietnam fighting Ho Chi-a-pet Minh (a well documented
- } lemur sympathizer); another "accident" that let Jack Ruby stroll
- } unmolested into the basement of the Dallas Police building to shoot
- } Lee-mur Harvey Oswald; an "accident" or two which killed Bruce and
- } Brandon Lee-mur. Let me tell you, lemurs have been involved with
- } everything from the mysterious disappearance of Socks Clinton to the
- } secret meaning of the Great Seal of the United States. Haven't you
- } wondered, just a little, why Abra-melin Lincoln allowed Robert E.
- } Lee-mur to keep his horse and gun?
- }
- } Lemurs lost their great continent, Lemuria, by their arboreal foolishness
- } and their apparent unwillingness to invest in the equivalent of the
- } Strategic Defense Initiative project. Now they want to take over our
- } land, that dulcet clime formerly free of prosimians, and rename it "New
- } Madagascar". Soon the animal gliding amongst our treasured redwoods
- } will not be Rocket J. Squirrel from Frostbite Falls, Minnesota, but
- } Leapin' Lanny Colugo from Malaya. Makes a patriot sick!
- }
- } My advice to you is not to let on to your lemur buddy, your ring-tailed
- } pal, that what he thinks of as his Lemuridae fellow traveler (Robert E.
- } Lee-mur's horse's name was Traveler -- coincidence? I think *NOT*) is
- } wise to his large-eyed schemes. Your only hope is to surprise him in the
- } bright daylight and quickly stuff him in a sack. Under no circumstance
- } approach lemurs at night: their strength is that of ten after sunset. Grab
- } a bottle of petroleum jelly to take with you. Take the fiend down to the
- } dockside where an oceangoing freighter is heading back to the green
- } hell that is Madagascar. Quickly smear petroleum jelly on his feet and
- } stick him to the side of the vessel (above the waterline for humanitarian
- } reasons). His suction-pad feet will adhere to the steel. You may let
- } Madagascar deal with him after that. Throw away your computer; no
- } amount of cleansing could possibly help. I am sorry.
- }
- } You owe the Oracle (incarnating as DrNucleus@AOL.COM) nothing
- } except your pledge to remain lemur-free one *DAY* at a time.
-
- Take 3:
-
- > Help, O savior of prosimians!
- >
- > I accidentally let a lemur log onto my computer account. Now, every
- > time I type a command, the only response I get is "frink". Except
- > when I try to crash the machine, in which case I get "core frinked".
- > What do I do?
- >
- > (I'm writing to you on a friend's account.)
-
- And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
-
- > Article: 5750 of news.admin.misc
- > From: oracle@moose.cs.indiana.edu (The Usenet Oracle)
- > Newsgroups: news.admin.misc
- > Subject: Attempted lemur takeover of rec.humor.oracle
- > Date: 20 Nov 1993 23:57:58 GMT
- >
- > Okay, folks. Those goons from alt.fan.lemurs are trying to take over
- > rec.humor.oracle again. They've been mailbombing me all week with
- > questions about lemurs; it seems that Joel Furr got some statistician
- > at the Duke University Primate Center to work out just how many lemur
- > questions it would take to insure that at least half of each r.h.o
- > Digest would refer to lemurs.
- >
- > Newsadmins who are, shall we say, not overfond of high-voltage
- > spikes, may want to consider dropping a.f.l from their news servers
- > at once.
- > --
- > The Usenet Oracle * oracle@cs.indiana.edu * Serving the Net since 1989
- > "And the Sibyl with raving mouth, uttering words solemn, unadorned,
- > and unsweetened, reaches with her voice a thousand years because of
- > the god in her." --Heraclitus, frag. 12
- >
- >
- > Article: 5751 of news.admin.misc
- > From: dave@elxr.jpl.nasa.gov (Dave Hayes)
- > Newsgroups: news.admin.misc
- > Subject: Re: Attempted lemur takeover of rec.humor.oracle
- > Date: 21 Nov 1993 01:12:15 GMT
- >
- > Ha! So the Oracle reveals his true authoritarian colors! Seems to
- > me lemurs have as much right as anyone to post questions wherever
- > they want!
- >
- > When an all-powerful Oracle stoops to forming a cabal to suppress a
- > few admirers of fuzzy lower primates, well... can you say, "Death of
- > Usenet"? :)
- >
- >
- > From: red@redpoll.mrfs.oh.us (Richard E. Depew)
- > Newsgroups: news.admin.misc
- > Subject: Re: Attempted lemur takeover of rec.humor.oracle
- >
- > Orrie, not to worry. Retroactive moderation will automatically tag
- > all postings by lemurs and transfer them to a Gopher server on Baffin
- > Island that operates only between 2300 and 2400 GMT, that is when
- > there's kerosene in the generator to run the Mac Classic. Of course
- > anyone is free to download them from the server once they're there.
- >
- > I think you'll be pleased with the results.
- >
- >
- > From: sera@zuma.UUCP (Serdar Argic)
- > Newsgroups: talk.politics.mideast,talk.politics.soviet,soc.culture.greek,
- > soc.culture.europe,soc.history,soc.culture.soviet,soc.culture.turkish,
- > soc.culture.iranian,news.admin.misc,alt.fan.lemurs,rec.humor.oracle.d
- > Distribution: world
- > Subject: Re: Attempted lemur takeover of rec.humor.oracle
- >
- > Oracle simply exposes the x-Soviet Armenian Government-paid Lemur
- > crooks/criminals and their well-known forgeries in public. Remember
- > that x-Soviet Armenia, employing Lemur moronians, attempts to call
- > into question the veracity of the Oracle Holocaust. X-Soviet Armenia
- > has also implemented state-sponsored terrorism through Lemurs in
- > an attempt to silence the Turkish people's vehement demands and
- > protests.
- >
- >
- > From: an314156@anon.penet.fi (Cheyne l'Etre)
- > Newsgroups: news.admin.misc
- > Subject: MAKE MONEY FAST
- >
- > If you're curious, take a second and read this...
- >
- > Dear Friend,
- >
- > My name is Dave Rhodes. In September 1988, my lemur was
- > repossesed, and the bill collectors were hounding me like you
- > wouldn't believe. I was laid off, and my unemployment checks had
- > run out. The only escape I had from the pressure of failure was
- > my computer and my modem.
- >
- > This past St. Swithin's day, my family and I toured our fifty-acre
- > lemur farm in our shiny new Lincoln Town Car that I bought for
- > CASH. You too can be RICH beyond your wildest dreams.
- >
- > INSTRUCTIONS: Send e-mail to "oracle@cs.indiana.edu" with the
- > Subject: line "give me". On the first line of your message, specify
- > the exact dollar amount you wish to realize your heart's desire.
- > Within five weeks a representative of the United States Postal
- > Service will be ringing at YOUR doorbell with $10,000--$50,000--
- > $1,000,000 (One Million Dollars)! Please note, this is entirely
- > legal, since you are just ASKING for the money!
- >
- >
- > From: kitp@swarthmore.edu (Kit Parker)
- > Newsgroups: alt.sex.bestiality, news.admin.misc
- > Subject: I Like Big Hairy Lemurs
- >
- > Hi Im Kit an RA in Parrish Hall at Swarthmore. the very thought of a
- > naked furry lemur makes me horny, does anyone know where I can find
- > one in the Philadelphia area Thanks oops he's coming back to the
- > term room
- >
- >
- > From: Shandra DeWitt <SHANDRA34@delphi.com>
- > Newsgroups: news.admin.misc
- > Subject: Dying Boy Needs Lemurs
- >
- > My friend said you are the people who run the USnet bulletin board so
- > would you please post this Urgent Information on your BBS.
- >
- > In a hospital in Sussex, England, there is a twelve-year-old boy who
- > is dying of an inoprable brain tumor. His one wish is to enter the
- > Guiness Book of Records for owning more lemurs than anyone. His name
- > is ^Z
- >
- > From: reid@pa.dec.com (Brian Reid)
- > Newsgroups: news.admin.misc
- > Subject: Death of Usenet (Was: Attempted lemur takeover...)
- >
- > I give up. They were right. Usenet has had it.
- >
- > Orrie, the Cabal have decided. We're turning the whole thing over to
- > you. You won't have to worry about lemur invasions in r.h.o when
- > you're . . . Usenet Supermoderator! Right: we all agreed no one was
- > better suited for the job. You can read 10Mbytes of postings in a
- > nanosecond and save out the two or three that deserve distribution.
- > You can send flaming death to people who post child pornography on the
- > K12 groups and quote too many lines in followups. You can get rid of
- > the entire Usenet hierarchy and restore net.general, where the dozen
- > or two of us who have anything worth saying can reign in peace.
- >
- > Here's to You and Usenet Utopia!
-
-
- ----------
-
- (7) What will happen at LemurCon '94?
-
-
- > Tell me, oh most wise Oracle:
- >
- > What will happen at LemurCon '94?
-
- And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
-
- } 2pm Wed President Clinton will show up to give the opening address and
- } find nobody home.
- }
- } 2am Thu President Clinton will fail to show up for the opening address.
- } The organizers will scramble to find a nocturnal celebrity.
- } They'll manage to get Jack Hanna to say a few words; he'll say he
- } was having trouble sleeping anyway, but in fact he really digs
- } lemurs.
- }
- } 2:30am "Discrimination Against Lemurs and Other Nocturnal Animals by
- } Government and Industry." Organizations continue to insist on
- } daytime working hours despite evidence that it increases fatigue-
- } related accidents and exacerbates rush hour congestion on
- } highways.
- }
- } 3:30am Lunch and tree-climbing break. The National Arboretum is just up
- } the street from the hotel.
- }
- } 4am "Living With A Tail Impairment." Tail-impaired lemurs will answer
- } questions and dispel myths about tree-climbing, discrimination,
- } and societal acceptance.
- }
- } 5am "Lemur Action Plan for 1995." Long-term plans for rallies,
- } marches, and protests will be discussed. Lessons learned from
- } the Midnight March on Washington which failed to attract any
- } significant media attention will be discussed.
- }
- } 6am Tree-climbing break. Avoid the pear tree; it'll dump you.
- }
- } 7am Reception in the Jungle Room with furry entertainment. Drew
- } Barrymore will wander down in a bathrobe looking for coffee.
- } Don't miss it.
- }
- }
- } You owe the Oracle a detailed map of Madagascar.
-
-
- -----------
-
- The FAQ continues in Part 6 of 7: Duke University Primate Center.
-
- ------------------------------------------------------------------
- Revised August 2, 1994 by Joel Furr, jfurr@acpub.duke.edu
- Archive-name: lemur-faq/part6
- Alt-fan-lemurs-archive-name: lemur-faq/part6
- Last-modified: 1994/8/11
- Version: 4.0
-
- Official USENET Alt.Fan.Lemurs Frinkquently Asked Questions
- Part 6 of 7 -- Duke University Primate Center
-
- This section of the FAQ deals with the Duke University Primate Center,
- the largest population of Lemurs outside their native island of Madagas-
- car. Make sure to read the sections (below) about tours, souvenirs, and
- the all-important Adopt-A-Lemur program. DUPC needs funds to continue
- and extend its work and you can help. It also discusses what little we
- know about the programs carried on by the Jersey Zoo in the Channel
- Islands of the United Kingdom.
-
- ------------------------------
-
- The Questions
-
- (1) What IS the Duke University Primate Center?
- (2) What programs take place at DUPC? What animals live there?
- (3) What other programs take place at DUPC?
- (4) Can I donate money to DUPC?
- (5) How do I go about arranging a tour of the Primate Center?
- (6) What is the mailing address of the Duke University Primate Center?
- (7) What is Adopt-A-Lemur?
- (8) Can I buy DUPC souvenirs through the mail?
- (9) What if I want to donate a LOT of money?
- (10) Is anyone else engaged in breeding lemurs to save them from extinction?
- (11) Can I write to DUPC over the Internet?
- (12) When you adopt a lemur, do you always get the same animal that
- anyone else adopting a lemur of that species gets, right down to
- being sent a form letter and the same photo?
- (13) Do you have any unbiased reports from observers who visited the
- Primate Center?
- (14) Does DUPC need volunteer helpers?
- (15) Are the DUPC lemurs as intelligent as other primates?
-
- ------------------------------
-
- The Answers
-
- (1) What IS the Duke University Primate Center?
- The Duke University Primate Center (DUPC) began in 1958 as the Center
- for Prosimian Biology at Yale University. In 1966, the Yale colony was
- relocated to North Carolina and moved into its present buildings in
- 1968.
-
- From 1968 to 1973, Dr. John Buettner-Janusch served as Director and
- research was oriented toward behavior, genetics, and biochemistry. The
- colony grew to about 250 animals representing 10 species during this
- time. Several interim Directors served from 1973 to 1977.
-
- In 1977, Dr. Elwyn L. Simons became the Director. He expanded the scope
- of research to include conservation and the study of fossils. He also
- increased the educational opportunities and training for both under-
- graduate and graduate students. Under his leadership the colony grew to
- more than 700 animals representing 33 species and subspecies. Recent
- years have seen the overall size of the colony decrease to the current
- 540 animals representing 29 species and subspecies (see below).
-
- On May 15, 1991, Dr. Kenneth E. Glander became the Director of the DUPC
- and Dr. Simons took on the role of Scientific Director. As Scientific
- Director, Simons will concentrate on teaching, research, and the
- management of the Center's collaborative programs with Madagascar.
- Glander intends to build the Primate Center's programs around the issue
- of biological diversity. He will also expand the environmental educa-
- tion opportunities to include primary and secondary school science
- teachers.
-
- Education of the public is equally important for the future of these
- endangered primates. Outreach programs aimed at increasing environmen-
- tal awareness of elementary and secondary school children could be
- developed and disseminated via a public exhibit hall and classroom space
- which would be built outside the gates of the Center to prevent disrup-
- tion of the captive breeding and conservation programs. The pavilion
- area would serve as a staging area for tours of the animal colony and
- presentation areas for exhibits as well as providing modest office space
- for staff and volunteers involved in educational and promotional ac-
- tivities.
-
- One of the missions of the Primate Center is to assist in international
- efforts to prevent the extinction of Madagascar's most endangered
- primates.
-
- The Primate Center accomplishes this through:
-
- * behavioral and ecological research
- * international conservation programs
- * in-country training programs
- * captive breeding
-
- The Center is funded by the National Science Foundation, Duke Univer-
- sity, and private donations.
-
- ------------------------------
-
- (2) What programs take place at DUPC? What animals live there?
-
- The DUPC primate collection consists only of prosimians. There are three
- groups of living prosimians:
-
- * the lemurs of Madagascar
- * the lorises and galagos of Asia and Africa
- * the tarsiers of certain East Asian islands (although these animals are
- being placed by some in taxonomic categories closer to apes, monkeys,
- and humans.)
-
- The majority of the animals housed in the DUPC colony are lemurs from
- Madagascar. Lemurs have lived isolated on their island home located off
- the southeast coast of Africa for more than 50 million years.
-
- In recent years the forests of Madagascar, once teeming with lemurs,
- have been reduced by more than 90% as a result of increased human
- population pressure. Lemur populations in the wild are rapidly declin-
- ing. As human population expands, increased need of food causes in-
- tensified hunting of lemurs. Also, the lemurs' habitat is destroyed by
- agricultural "slash and burn" practices. The result is that many lemur
- species are threatened with extinction.
-
- A principal objective of the Primate Center continues to be the captive
- breeding of endangered prosimians. In order to achieve that goal,
- efforts are being made to reduce the size of the Primate Center's colony
- so that it can better utilize the limited resources by concentrating on
- the most highly endangered species.
-
- In 1987, World Wildlife International announced that the Malagasy lemurs
- are the most gravely endangered group of primates in the world. Follow-
- ing this declaration, special- ists from Madagascar, Europe, and America
- met and agreed that the genetic diversity of the following 10 prosimians
- was the most severely threatened:
-
-
- * 1) the Lake Alaotra bamboo lemur (Hapalemur griseus alaotrensis)
- + 2) the golden bamboo lemur (Hapalemur aureus)
- 3) the greater bamboo lemur (Hapalemur simus)
- * 4) the blue-eyed lemur (Lemur macaco flavifrons)
- * + 5) the red-ruffed lemur (Varecia variegata rubra)
- * + 6) the aye-aye (Daubentonia madagascarensis)
- * 7) the crowned sifaka (Propithecus verreauxi coronatus)
- * + 8) the golden-crowned sifaka (Propithecus tattersalli)
- * + 9) the diademed sifaka (Propithecus diadema)
- * 10) the mongoose lemur (Lemur mongoz)
-
- The DUPC currently holds eight of these species (Nos. 1, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9,
- 10) as indicated by asterixes, and hopes to get some golden bamboo lemurs very
- soon.
-
- The Center's current captive breeding efforts are focused on saving 5 of
- these 10 most endangered species of lemurs, (Nos. 2, 5, 6, 8, 9) as
- indicated by plus signs. The plight of these species is characterized
- by the fact that there are probably fewer than 100 golden bamboo lemurs
- left in the wild. This is an emergency situation if DUPC is to preserve
- the biological diversity necessary for a viable captive breeding
- program. The aye-aye may be in similar difficulty. The choice of these
- five species is not haphazard but rather based on the fact that the
- Primate Center has successfully maintained and bred closely related
- species and the fact that the need for preserving genetic diversity in
- these five species appears to be greatest. Furthermore, all the species
- listed above and, for that matter, all the species held at Duke, are bred in
- captivity and breeding records kept to ensure maximum diversity.
-
- The Primate Center has both diurnal (day-time active) and nocturnal
- (nighttime active) prosimians.
-
- Diurnal animals are housed in outdoor runs or in Natural Habitat
- Enclosures encompassing large tracts of the Duke Forest. All animals
- housed outdoors have heated winter sleeping quarters. These enclosures
- are vital for future planned reintroduction of the lemurs to their
- native habitats. Here, animals have the opportunity to learn how to
- find their own food, avoid predation, and roam in sufficient space to
- form natural social groupings. 65 acres of rich Duke Forest habitat
- offer a unique opportunity for study in a natural setting.
-
- A new Nocturnal Animal Building houses most of the night-time active
- prosimians. This recent addition to the Center was designed to control
- lighting, humidity, and temperature, critical for the well-being of
- these animals.
-
- Approximately 85% of the DUPC colony is captive-bred. No other zoo or
- institution has successfully bred so many different prosimian species.
-
- ------------------------------
-
- (3) What other programs take place at DUPC?
-
- Fossils:
-
- Another important and unique aspect of the Primate Center is its
- collection of fossil primates representing prosimians, monkeys, apes,
- and other mammals. The collection consists of more than 10,000 fossils
- ranging in age from less than 1,000 years to more than 60 million years
- old.
-
- Housing both living and fossil primates in the same center is sig-
- nificant because the surviving prosimians are often called "living
- fossils," providing clues about the Earth's past environments.
-
- International extension programs in Madagascar:
-
- DUPC promotes international relations and cooperation through research,
- education, and conservation programs. Primate Center staff are assisting
- the Malagasy government to reopen Parc Ivoloina as a zoological and
- botanical conservation center. The joint goal of the park project is to
- increase the Malagasy people's awareness of the importance of conserva-
- tion through education, thereby making the native population cognizant
- of the unique flora and fauna of their island.
-
- ------------------------------
-
- (4) Can I donate money to DUPC?
-
- Donations are gratefully accepted by the Duke University Primate Center.
- The address to send them to is DUPC, 3705 Erwin Road, Durham NC 27705.
- If you like, ask them to put you on their mailing list and send you
- their newsletter.
-
- ------------------------------
-
- (5) How do I go about arranging a tour of the Primate Center?
-
- The Primate Center is located at 3705 Erwin Road, Durham, North Caro-
- lina. Durham is found on any road map of North Carolina, and you can buy
- a Durham street map when you get there. (It's in the big Duke Forest
- area that you get to off Routes 15-501 and 751.)
-
- Admission costs to the Primate Center are as follows:
-
- Adult $5.00
- Child (12 and under) $2.50
- Senior Citizen $2.50
- Duke student $3.00
-
- The Primate Center is open Monday through Friday 8:30 a.m. to 5:00 p.m.,
- and Saturdays from 8:30 a.m. to noon. You can't just show up; you MUST
- make an appointment. The number to call is (919) 489-3364.
-
- The tour is well worth the trip to Durham and the money. The lemurs are
- just as curious about humans as humans are about them and the experience
- of wandering from enclosure to enclosure is eerily like being studied
- back. You'll get to meet Blue Devil, the first aye-aye born in the
- Western Hemisphere, as well as the sifakas so clever that the DUPC
- people had to put an extra bolt on the outside of their door to keep
- them from jimmying the lock and escaping. The lemurs are wonderful
- little animals! Go see them.
-
- ------------------------------
-
- (6) What is the mailing address of the Duke University Primate Center?
-
- Duke University Primate Center
- 3705 Erwin Road
- Durham, NC 27705
- (919) 684-2535 or (919) 489-3364
-
- ------------------------------
-
- (7) What is Adopt-A-Lemur?
-
- You'll hear a lot about Adopt-A-Lemur on alt.fan.lemurs.
- Adopt-a-lemur is a means by which friends of DUPC can donate $50 to
- $250 to the Center and "adopt" one of the lemurs, receiving letters
- and photos and other information about your lemur. So far, dozens of
- animals have been adopted either jointly or individually by
- alt.fan.lemurs readers. Bob Smart even adopted a mated pair of
- ringtails as a wedding gift for a couple of lemur-loving newlyweds.
- Lemur adoption isn't just a cost-effective way to donate money while
- receiving something in return -- it's also tax deductible.
-
- If you would like to contribute financially to the programs of the
- Duke University Primate Center, you can! While the $2,000 needed to
- equip out an enclosure for a mated couple may be beyond the range of
- most people, there is an Adopt-A-Lemur program that allows one to
- make a difference at an affordable price.
-
- The cost of adopting any given lemur is pegged to the approximate
- cost of keeping that animal fed and medically cared for for one year.
- Hence, adoption costs for the smallest animals are usually $50 and
- the largest and/or rarest animals are usually $250. There are ranges
- in between of $100, $125, and $150 as well. For additional informa-
- tion, contact: Carol Holman (919) 489-3364. Duke University Primate
- Center, 3705 Erwin Road, Durham NC 27705.
-
-
- ------------------------------
-
- (8) Can I buy DUPC souvenirs through the mail?
-
- Yes. Duke offers a lot of souvenirs, from t-shirts to frisbees to
- coffee mugs to posters to VERY nice gold-plated Christmas ornaments.
- Since the lineup of souvenirs offered changes from time to time, an
- actual price list will not be listed here. Instead, to get the price
- list, drop them a postcard and ask for the latest catalog (DUPC, 3705
- Erwin Road, Durham NC 27705) or telephone (919) 489-3364.
-
- The money earned from the souvenirs goes to support the lemurs. Buy
- some!
-
- ---------------
-
- (9) What if I want to donate a LOT of money?
-
- Well, you can. Duke got a large grant from the National Science
- Foundation to renovate all its caging some time back, but the grant is
- contingent on matching funds. As funds are donated to Duke or become
- available, the NSF cuts loose more of the grant money. Duke will be
- happy to explain to you the various amounts of money needed to, say,
- build a new silo-style cage and will even put up a big nameplate naming
- the cage after you if you want. Again, you need to call Duke directly
- to get all this set up. The donations are tax deductible.
-
- ---------------
-
- (10) Is anyone else engaged in breeding lemurs to save them from
- extinction?
-
- You bet. Many zoos are engaged in a joint breeding project coordinated
- by a scientific body known as the Taxon Advisory Group. The TAG keeps
- track of lemur pedigrees and tries to ensure the most diverse gene pool
- possible by matching lemurs from various zoos and centers. Duke is the
- _largest_ center, with the world's largest collection of prosimians
- outside Madagascar, but it's by no means the only one. Many American
- zoos are involved in these programs.
-
- European readers interested in participating in sponsorship of animals
- or simply in visiting a breeding center are encouraged to contact Gerald
- Durrell, the famous British zoologist, at the Jersey Wildlife Preserva-
- tion Trust, located in the British Channel Islands. We don't know much
- about their programs, but the address to write to if you want to do the
- research for us is:
-
- The Trust Secretary
- Jersey Wildlife Preservation Trust
- Les Augres Manor
- Trinity, Jersey
- British Channel Islands
-
- Let us know what you find out if you write them!
-
- We've also been told that the Hamerton Wildlife Centre, Huntingdon,
- Cambridgeshire, has a lot of lemurs.
-
- ---------------
-
- (11) Can I write to DUPC over the Internet?
-
- Yes. You can, but because the guy who you'd be writing spends a fair
- bit of time on the road or in Costa Rica or in Madagascar, you may
- occasionally have to wait a little while for your response. Dr. Kenneth
- Glander can be emailed at glander@acpub.duke.edu.
-
- ---------------
-
- (12) When you adopt a lemur, do you always get the same animal that
- anyone else adopting a lemur of that species gets, right down to being
- sent a form letter and the same photo?
-
- Not necessarily. Duke is willing to let people adopt specific animals
- if they wish, logistics allowing, but often sends out the default
- package for an animal if no particular animal of a given species is
- listed.
-
- Joao de Souza noted that his girlfriend (presumably Maria Drago) had
- received, after adopting a new baby aye-aye, Cruella, the same photo of
- an adult aye-aye that had appeared in his newspaper about a different
- animal. He asked if Duke always sent out the same photo regardless of
- animal.
-
- The question was answered on two levels:
-
- One: the truth: Cruella is being kept away from the general public and
- disruptions of her routine as much as possible. Dr. Glander could
- probably describe this in greater detail but basically, the intent is to
- keep the aye-ayes wild and prevent the 'imprinting' which took place in
- "Blue Devil" from happening again. Blue Devil is a weird critter that
- doesn't get along with fellow aye-ayes.
-
- So, yes, we don't stick cameras in her face a lot.
-
- Incidentally, so many lemurs were adopted through Adopt-a-lemur that the
- volunteer staff at DUPC is somewhat overburdened getting all the packets
- for all the animals out with individual photos of each specific animal.
- So, yes, occasionally 'default photos' are used.
-
- The other answer to the Cruella question:
-
- Nosferatu, one of the adult aye-ayes, was bemused because, during one of
- his nocturnal forays through the Primate Center's overhead ductwork and
- down into Dr. Glander's office, he had discovered that he was named
- after a vampire. He looked up 'vampire' and found that vampires cannot
- be seen in mirrors or captured on film. Hence, he got into photographer
- David Haring's supplies and started trying to take pictures of himself.
- Since David doesn't keep a Polaroid camera around, all Nosferatu managed
- to do was fill up several rolls of film on several cameras with pictures
- of himself staring bemusedly into the lens. When the rolls were sent
- off to be developed, DUPC ordered the standard thirty copies of each
- shot to sell to the visitors. Imagine their surprise when they wound up
- with several hundred photos of Nosferatu. Hence the reason why, to this
- day, they're still trying to foist Nosferatu pictures off on anyone we
- can.
-
- ------------
-
- (13) Do you have any unbiased reports from observers who visited the
- Primate Center?
-
- Sure!
-
- Jim Griffith (griffith@dweeb.fx.com) wrote:
-
- So I just got back from my two-week, cross-country road trip, and the
- first place I visited was the DUPC in North Carolina. I got to meet
- everyone there, mainly Dorothy who works the front desk, Dr. Glander
- (who was really busy, of course), Carol Holman (ditto), and Stephanie
- (sigh, talk about an attractive, intelligent lady. Knows the lemurs by
- name without resorting to tags, knows how to gross out tourists with
- stories of disgusting insects, you name it).
-
- So I got to meet Agrippa, who is, of course, a serious chick magnet. I
- *told* you people that chicks dig golden crowned sifakas. It was also
- cool, because they just picked up another pair of GCS'es, which they are
- keeping in a cage inside one of the larger enclosures. Since I'm a
- "major contributor" (heeheeheehee), and since I've adopted one of the
- GCS'es, they took me through the enclosure to see the two new GCS'es
- (note - if you plan on visiting the DUPC, don't bother to ask to do this
- - they'll deny that they do this). It was really cool walking through
- this forested area, seeing these red-ruffed lemurs lounging on overhang-
- ing branches all around me. And I could swear I saw this one ring-tail
- wearing a miner's helmet and wielding a pickaxe stick his head out of a
- hole, see Stephanie, and duck back before she could see him. Gonna be a
- wild time in Durham for a while... Anyways, I got to see the two
- GCS'es, and while I was looking, the male jumped over to me and started
- whuffling, as if to say "you eyeing my woman?". As we were leaving,
- they both leaped over to the door, hoping to find a way out - apparently
- they take every opportunity to get out (which is in character, of
- course).
-
- I also got to see Nigel ("You lookin' at me?"), the "anything-but"
- gentle lemurs (but not Be-bop - apparently he's in solitary), the
- blue-eyed lemurs named after famous movie stars (which, by the way, are
- the only other primate species besides humans to have blue eyes), the
- one-armed red-ruffed lemur, and the aye-ayes (talk about *ugly*...). I
- had to laugh as one of the ring-tails slipped Stephanie's car keys out
- of her pocket while she was talking to us. Far be it from *me* to turn
- them in - they know where I live.
-
- Another thing is that photos really don't do the lemurs justice. You
- can't fully appreciate a lemur until you've met one in person and had
- him lift your wallet. For starters, the ones which look bigger in
- photos end up being smaller than expected and the smaller-looking ones
- end up being bigger. The GCS'es are much larger than I expected, and
- the gentle lemurs (otherwise known as "those lemur assassins") are much
- smaller. Their mobility is kind of strange too. You expect them to
- either be completely manic or virtually comatose, and in point of fact
- they alternate between the two states. You'll watch a Coquerel's sifaka
- sitting calmly on a tree branch, when suddenly he's leaped 20 feet to
- hang on the cage wall and stare you straight in the eye. It's an
- incredible thing to watch.
-
- Anyways, it was a really cool tour, and I came away with a lot more
- respect for the center and its people. I showed up expecting it to be
- much more glamorous, but it's a working facility, and that's what you
- quickly notice. They have something like 2500 individuals, 2000 or so of
- which have been loaned out to zoos or other institutions ("lemur pimps"?
- Hmmmm...), so the center has 503 individuals. Of the 2500 that the
- center is responsible for, 91% of them were bred there - only 9%
- represent captured lemurs. That's pretty impressive. If you want to go
- for a tour, I just have a couple of suggestions. First off, they're an
- institution which is consistently under-funded, so have the good manners
- not to argue about money (the tour is cheap anyways). Second off,
- please remember that these people do serious work. They're not in the
- business of entertaining tourists. So check the place out, enjoy
- yourself, but try to keep your place and don't tie them up for hours,
- expecting them to entertain you.
-
- Jim
- -----------
-
- (14) Does DUPC need volunteer helpers?
-
- Sure! Although they'll take volunteers, be aware that there are only so
- many tour guides needed, though. Some volunteers help out with animal
- records and others help out in the fossil lab, and so forth. Just call
- Duke at (919) 489-3364 if you live close enough to be able to help out.
-
- While we're on the subject, here's an account Joel Furr wrote about what
- it's like to volunteer there:
-
- Those of you who've been to the DUPC know what a cool place it is.
-
- However, I just wanted to let you know how much more interesting it is
- when you're volunteering there and can come and go around the place.
-
- My volunteer assignment, at present, is to wander down to the techs'
- logbook on weekends and take pages up to the computer to enter into the
- various animals' records. For example, if the tech feeding the lemurs
- in enclosure NHE2 notice the Lemur catta playing banjo over by the pond,
- he or she will make a note in the logbook that looks like this:
-
- 17/Nov/93 L.c. in NHE-2 seen playing banjo again. Sounded like
- "Dixie." Didn't identify specific animals.
-
- And then I come along and enter it into the NHE-2 Lemur catta file. If,
- on the other hand, it's about a specific lemur such as, say, Nosferatu:
-
- 17/Nov/93 D.m. Nosferatu #____ OR VIII b seen with Dr. Simons'
- copy of Das Kapital again. Book was taken away from him and was
- replaced with some old Richie Rich comics. Nosferatu went "EEEEP"
- when we gave him the comics.
-
- I'd pull up Nosferatu's file, using his ID number, and add the log entry
- to the list. In other words, I get to pull up records on ALL THE LEMURS
- THERE and see what they've been up to for the last three years or so (or
- however long they've been there.)
-
- Some of the techs have a sense of humor. Or perhaps it's the lemurs.
- Not sure which, really. Reading about the aye-ayes going "EEEEP" and
- eating all their aye-aye glop is fairly amusing. [On the other hand,
- reading about some of the lemurs in one of the large outdoor habitats
- killing infants from other species in the neighboring habitat was a
- little grim.]
-
- Another cool thing about working as a volunteer there is giving tours.
- I have only given one tour so far [at the time this was written] and
- that was pretty much of a practice tour, given when a group of five
- people called one morning to ask for a tour and I didn't know enough to
- tell them that all our tours were filled. So, I gave them the standard
- DUPC stroll-around-in-a-big-circle-and-look-at-all-the-lemurs-
- especially-Diphda tour, with help from the educational coordinator,
- Carol Holman, who I brought along so she could correct me when I left
- things out or got my facts wrong. Giving lemur tours is right up there,
- I think, with being captain of that jungle cruise boat at Walt Disney
- World. The lemurs study the people on the tour just as intently, if not
- more so, than the people on the tour study the lemurs. Some of the
- lemurs, like the crowned lemurs, have a terrific knack for sneaking up
- to the wall of their pen to eye you suspiciously, then bounding away in
- no time at all the minute you glance around.
-
- Lemurs can jump better than anyone. When some of the lemurs, like the
- Coquerel's Sifakas, are bounding around the upper branches of their
- tree, or swinging from the roof of their enclosure to the walls and back
- again, you begin to wonder if they didn't independently evolve Flubber.
-
- Lemurs can also make noise better than just about anyone. Well,
- specifically those loony red-ruffed lemurs. Red-ruffed lemurs and
- black-and-white ruffed lemurs have an alarm call that they use whenever
- they're startled, afraid, alarmed, or just bored. Since they're not
- very bright, as lemurs go, they sound the alarm call once every half
- hour or so and keep it up for a few minutes until they finally realize
- that they're not being devoured alive and that they might as well get
- back to lying in unnatural positions on branches looking very comfort-
- able. We were standing in front of a pen of red-ruffeds the other day
- when they did the call and it was like watching bullfrogs: their mouths
- and throats expanded and out came this horrid cackling call that would
- have made any predator handy bolt for cover.
-
- Some of the lemurs have interesting personalities. The aforementioned
- Diphda, a red-ruffed lemur, is known as the three-legged lemur since she
- had to have a forelimb amputated when she was very young, and as a
- result was hand-raised by humans and likes them a lot. Diphda will come
- to the side of her pen when tours walk by and grin out at them, and if
- you do it right, she'll let you pet her on the head or talk to her. She
- seems to have very little difficulty bounding around her pen, three legs
- and all.
-
- Bebop, on the other hand, is not kept where tours can see him. A short,
- surly-looking gentle bamboo lemur, he once fanged a tech so thoroughly
- on the hands that she'll always have scars in the webbing between her
- thumbs and forefingers. One of the entries on Bebop in the logfile
- refers to him being incarcerated in Maximum Security Cellblock #3. He
- LOOKS very cute, you see, in a surly sort of way, and clings to the bars
- looking like he wants to nuzzle you, but if you reach tentatively out to
- him, you get to see some VERY sharp little teeth. Withdrawing your hand
- quickly from his biting range is advised.
-
- One of the more interesting experiences I've had since starting as a
- volunteer at DUPC was getting to suit up in booties and a full body
- coverall in order to visit the new Diademed Sifakas still in quarantine
- in one of the subterranean chambers of the Center. The Sifakas are
- three in number: a mother and her son, and a sad-looking male who at
- last report was getting over his captivity and adjusting to life
- "inside." With any luck, the male will form a mating bond with the
- female. We had to suit up to visit them since no one knows what
- diseases a new species might carry, and no one knows how vulnerable they
- might be to human diseases. If we'd actually gone into their cage, we'd
- even have had to put on masks. [Note: the Diademed Sifaka female died in
- the first half of 1994, but the son and male are in fine shape. DUPC
- plans to bring in two females for them in 1995.]
-
- If you're sitting at the computer on the top floor of the Primate
- Center, you occasionally hear a loud THUNK from behind you. One side of
- the corridor looks out through large windows onto the enclosure where
- Flavia and Nigel and their offspring, bouncy Coquerel's Sifakas all,
- live. It's a large enclosure with lots of branches and things to swing
- on, and it's two stories high. They like to peer out at the people
- walking by, and sometimes, when I'm sitting there entering data, they'll
- leap to the window and peer in at me. That's the reason for those
- occasional THUNKs. You'll look around, and a black face surrounded by
- glossy white and gold fur will be peering in at you. [Due to cage
- renovation, Nigel and company have now been moved to a large silo-style
- cage further away from the Center proper.]
-
- As Dr. Kenneth Glander, the director of the Primate Center told me on
- Saturday, lemurs really WOULD go nuts trying to get Twinkies and Big K
- Grape if they had a chance. Lemurs are insatiable lovers of sweets. We
- were right all along!
-
- Some of them do make a noise that sounds sorta like "Frink." Especially
- the Mongoose Lemurs. It's a grunting sort of "Frink," but you can
- tell, that's what they're saying. I think the Red-Ruffed Lemurs' alarm
- call is a loud, squawking "Ptang" as well.
-
- ------------
-
- (15) Are the DUPC lemurs as intelligent as other primates?
-
- Joel Furr wrote:
-
- Lemurs have been denigrated by some as "less intelligent" than more
- advanced primates such as monkeys, gorillas, and man. Leaving
- aside comparisons such as lemurs dancing naked in the woods while
- men build atomic bombs, I personally feel that lemurs show a great
- deal of intelligence and imagination.
-
- Nowhere is this more evident than at the Duke University Primate
- Center's Coquerel's Sifaka area. The Sifakas overcame locks and
- electric shocks to achieve their cryptic ends and managed to outwit
- their keepers for quite a while.
-
- It started one day when the lemurs in the core area downstairs in
- the Primate Center building were found bounding around in the
- hallway after David Haring, the colony manager, had been through
- the area feeding the animals. Haring thought he might have left
- their door ajar after feeding them, so he made sure it was shut and
- went back to his work elsewhere. Soon thereafter, the lemurs were
- found bounding around in the hallway again. Upon observation, it
- was discovered that one of the lemurs, Constantine, had figured out
- how to work the door from the inside and get out. A special lock
- had to be installed to keep Constantine and his clan in their room.
- Nevertheless, Constantine didn't give up. Now and then, a tour
- group would go through the area and, in the process, jostle his
- door. Constantine would tiptoe over, lemur-style, and check his
- door... just in case.
-
- Another Coquerel's Sifaka, Sabina by name, had some eating
- problems. As the dominant female of her group, she had rights of
- first refusal to all food placed in her room, and she never saw an
- item of food she didn't like. Normal Coquerel's Sifakas weigh
- about 8 pounds. By the time Sabina had gotten done gorging herself
- up to her maximum weight, she weighed 23. Pictures of Sabina at
- this time show a ball of fur that looks like three lemurs huddled
- together. Normal Coquerel's Sifakas can spring great distances
- with amazing balance and precision. Sabina, at maximum weight,
- could hop a few inches. Then hop again. Apparently, it was both
- funny and sad. Clearly something had to be done. The Primate
- Center experimented with an invisible fencing collar, which would
- give Sabina electric shocks if she got too close to the food
- intended for the other lemurs in her room. This worked for a while
- until something happened to loosen the collar a little bit and she
- was able to get at the food if she leaned over just right and
- thereby avoided making contact with the electrode in the collar
- that delivered the shocks. She also worked out a method for
- dragging the tray of food for the other lemurs across the room to
- her and chowing down. Finally, a combination of the electric
- collar and firmly attaching the food tray for the other animals to
- the floor got her weight down to a normal range. Sadly, Sabina
- died while on loan to a zoo, apparently suffering a toxic reaction
- to something in the food or in her cage.
-
- Some of the ruffed lemurs, thought by some to be less intelligent
- than other lemurs, show unusual wit (or at least inventiveness) as
- well. A black and white ruffed from one of the large outside
- natural habitat enclosures, developed a fondness for the
- Scuppernong grapes which grew nearby -- unfortunately, on the other
- side of the electric fence that protects the lemurs from wandering
- humans and keeps the lemurs in their study area. The voltage isn't
- set high enough to kill or injure the lemurs, but is high enough
- that a normal lemur won't want to get a second shock after first
- trying to scale the fence. Not this lemur, though. She decided
- the grapes were worth it and would climb the fence, getting
- shocked, eat her fill of grapes on the other side, then return home
- to her enclosure, getting yet another shock in the process.
-
- Then there was the red-ruffed lemur which escaped and found its
- way to a golf course, ten miles away... Lemurs do occasionally
- escape from their enclosures and pens, sometimes as a result of
- doors accidentally being left open, and sometimes when they manage
- to burrow under the fence. Often, the lemurs can be bribed back
- into their enclosures or cages with raisins, which they adore, but
- when this has to be done, it necessitates a later feeding of
- raisins for no reason at all, lest the lemurs come to associate
- raisins with escaping or with getting imprisoned again. Sometimes
- the lemurs wander around the center's grounds for a few hours until
- they get hungry and turn up looking to get fed. All lemurs wear
- collars with unique combinations of colors and symbols (so they can
- be identified at a distance), and marked with the Primate Center's
- phone number so they can be reported in should they turn up lost
- and forlorn miles from home. A red-ruffed lemur made it as far as
- a golf course in the neighboring city of Hillsborough, over ten
- miles away. Fortunately, the people at the golf course saw the
- phone number on the lemur's collar and called the Primate Center to
- come get their "cat." There was no report on how well the lemur
- had done on the course that day, nor what handicap lemurs normally
- get when playing golf.
-
- ------------
-
- The final section of the FAQ is Part 7: Real Lemur Facts.
-
- ------------------------------------------------------------------
- This section of the FAQ partially adapted from publications of DUPC.
- Revised April 5, 1993 by Joel Furr, jfurr@polaris.async.vt.edu
- Revised July 6, 1993 by Joel Furr, jfurr@polaris.async.vt.edu
- Revised August 10, 1994 by Joel Furr, jfurr@acpub.duke.edu
- Archive-name: lemur-faq/part7
- Alt-fan-lemurs-archive-name: lemur-faq/part7
- Last-modified: 1994/08/02
- Version: 4.0
-
- Official USENET Alt.Fan.Lemurs Frinkquently Asked Questions
- Part 7 of 7 -- Real Lemur Facts
-
-
- ------------------------------
-
- The Questions
-
- (1) How did alt.fan.lemurs get started? Where did all this madness
- come from?
- (2) Scientifically speaking, what is a lemur?
- (3) What are some good books to read if I'd like to know more
- about lemurs?
- (4) What is Primate Info Net?
- (5) What's the rarest kind of lemur?
- (6) Would lemurs make good pets?
- (7) Who is Ali Lemer?
- (8) Who is Rick Frink?
- (9) Is "Frink" in any dictionary?
- (10) Where can I find .GIFs of Lemurs?
- (11) Are there any drinks inspired by lemurs?
- (12) How can I make my own Twinkies at home?
- (13) Is Terry Chan in the alt.fan.lemurs FAQ?
- (14) What's significant about Tob Wood?
- (15) What _is_ Big K Grape Soda?
- (16) What was alt.fan.lemurs/alt.folklore.urban Southeast?
- (17) What was alt.fan.lemurs/soc.singles Southeast?
- (18) What was Lemurcon '94?
- (19) Got any nifty factoids about lemurs to wrap things up with?
-
- ------------------------------
-
- The Answers
-
- (1) How did alt.fan.lemurs get started? Where did all this madness
- come from?
-
- As with many things, it had humble beginnings. Specifically, on a
- bulletin board, vtcosy.cns.vt.edu, at Virginia Tech in Blacksburg,
- Virginia. We were in the system administration conference on that BBS
- chatting about system configuration when one participant called another
- participant a 'lamer'. Someone else pretended to misunderstand and
- thought the other person was being called a lemur. A third person said
- something like "I thought lemurs were the little furry critters with the
- big eyes."
-
- Believe it or not, that's where it all started. A few of us, college
- students full of caffeine, thought that was extremely funny and the
- lemur jokes started. We kidded the sys-admin about his artificial
- intelligence lemur detection routines which were slowing the system down
- at peak times, and then one guy showed up and asked if anyone wanted to
- go lemur-tipping.
-
- Before we knew it, there was a full-fledged conference on that BBS about
- lemurs. About jokes about lemurs, specifically, as none of us had ever
- seen a lemur or heard of the Duke University Primate Center. We weren't
- even particularly sure what they looked like, except that we were fairly
- sure that they had big eyes.
-
- Lemur jokes flooded the entire BBS. People got testy about having
- people showing up babbling about lemurs in, say, the general chat
- conference, 'bar', or in the conference for discussing the local sci-fi
- con, 'technicon'. It was like a virus -- spread, in large part, by
- yours truly. It was a collectively shared hallucination, to put it one
- way -- without ever explicitly saying "these are the ground rules"
- everyone came to understand that lemurs loved Twinkies and Big K Grape
- Soda (sold at fine Kroger stores everywhere), had only three words in
- their vocabulary (cheep, frink, and ptang) which meant various things
- depending on the eye motions of the lemur involved, were tremendously
- sexually attracted to large-eyed primates, and that they loved to swing
- from ceiling lights. Everything else was based on those shared beliefs.
-
- All the stuff about cows that made it into the newsgroup later on was
- also evolved on VTCOSY in the separate 'cows' conference. As we
- understood it, the cows had a big crashed spaceship in a field somewhere
- near Blacksburg but had lost the keys and couldn't get back in, except
- for one deranged member of the herd known only as the Terror Cow. The
- Terror Cow roamed the streets of Blacksburg driving a strange and
- heavily-armed form of assault vehicle (Virginia license plate "MOO 1")
- and eventually had to be dealt with. When we hit the big time on the
- Internet (see below), the Cow stuff was ported along with all the lemur
- stuff since it was the other "big joke" from VTCOSY.
-
- About the middle of 1991, I found out how to get onto the Internet.
- Trained to assume that every discussion group would profit from an
- injection of lemurism, I acted accordingly. Not that there was a huge
- influx of lemur humor -- no one knew what I was talking about. It died
- down somewhat, but then I found out how one gets a new newsgroup started
- -- you go to alt.config, propose it, and get flamed.
-
- So, I did. August 1992 was when I first proposed it. I got flamed. No
- one knew what the hell lemurs were, for the most part, and those that
- did didn't see the need for a whole newsgroup dedicated to rare and
- little-known family of primates. I came back two months later, at the
- end of October, and proposed it again and finally, someone agreed to
- create alt.fan.lemurs.
-
- Then, boom -- I lost net access for the better part of a month.
- Discussion was taking place on the newsgroup and I wasn't able to
- participate. When I finally showed up there, people had half- heartedly
- talked about lemurs from a scientific standpoint and about seeing the
- critters in zoos.
-
- Determined to steer these people back onto the straight and narrow, I
- began posting my lemur jokes saved up from VTCOSY. Traffic dropped off
- precipitously as some people left and others waited to see what was
- going on.
-
- Finally, via the strategy of cross-posting to humor newsgroups, I
- attracted enough of a critical mass that the free-for-all called
- alt.fan.lemurs truly got underway.
-
- We started the stuff that you see today in the alt.fan.lemurs FAQ -- the
- stuff about Twinkies and Big K, of course, began at Virginia Tech but
- achieved the truly magnificent proportions of the present day once
- people came to understand the Way of the Lemur.
-
- Somewhere along about January 1993, if memory serves, someone finally
- posted to alt.fan.lemurs to tell us that there was a huge agglomeration
- of real lemurs in Durham, North Carolina -- barely four hours (if you
- obeyed the speed limits) southeast of Blacksburg. It was called "Duke
- University Primate Center" and apparently, as we understood it, bred
- lemurs. It wasn't until later in the year that we bothered to actually
- call down to DUPC and get information on their programs -- and hence, we
- spent a good while totally clueless about lemurs and what sort of
- animals they really were.
-
- Alt.fan.lemurs got its infamous FAQ in stages starting in January of
- 1993 and evolving and growing over the course of the year until it was
- finally separated into six parts in early July.
-
- Finally, in March, we finally got around to telephoning the Duke
- University Primate Center and arranging a tour. We tried to organize a
- mini-con around it called "alt.fan.lemurs/alt.folklore.urban Southeast
- I" (I was also very active on alt.folklore.urban at the time and wanted
- to get as many people there as possible) and ultimately attracted a
- whopping total of six people. We went on a tour of the place and
- abruptly, the newsgroup took on its second big theme, Saving the Lemurs.
- I'd had no idea how endangered the critters were and how desperate the
- situation in Madagascar was.
-
- I came back, added the DUPC section of the FAQ, and went on to start a
- joint Adopt-A-Lemur program for readers of the newsgroup. DUPC was
- already running an Adopt-A-Lemur program but the adoptions cost as much
- as $150 and hence I figured we'd have more luck if we pooled our money
- for adoptions. Some people could afford to adopt their own, and did so,
- and some people couldn't, and hence we wound up group-adopting six DUPC
- lemurs: an aye-aye named Nosferatu, a red-bellied lemur named Cheyenne,
- a Coquerel's Sifaka named Nigel, a savage little bamboo lemur named
- Bebop, a crowned lemur named Redjedef, and finally, a ringtailed lemur
- named Leonidas.
-
- DUPC didn't really know who the heck we were since very few of their
- staff had any experience with the Internet at all but they were more
- than happy to take our money.
-
- Alt.fan.lemurs went through one really big flamewar in May of 1993 when
- I, feeling my oats with such a thriving newsgroup, decided to propose a
- move to a "Big 7" newsgroup in one of the better-propagated hierarchies
- such as talk or rec or misc. Unfortunately, my plan backfired when
- crossposted flames from news.groups showed up in alt.fan.lemurs and
- drove some people away. We were months recovering.
-
- The group has settled down to a stable 20-30 messages a week, half being
- about events and goings-on in the world of real-life lemurs and half
- being about typical lemur silliness. The newsgroup is relatively
- insignificant compared to groups attracting hundreds of thousands of
- readers such as rec.humor or alt.sex, but alt.fan.lemurs does
- theoretically get about 40,000 readers worldwide. This places it near
- the top of the bottom quartile of newsgroups in readership.
-
- Alt.fan.lemurs is significant in that we never, ever have flamewars. No
- one ever gets up and howls and rants and we're scarcely ever even
- invaded by vandals from other groups. I suspect it's the Terror Cow at
- work.
-
- Alt.fan.lemurs IS about taking over the world, bit by bit, but it's also
- about saving a lot of very wonderful animals whose only fault is that
- they have a little too much of the sweet tooth (a lemur will do anything
- for raisins, and if the staff at DUPC ever actually let one get a
- Twinkie, the wildest speculations of alt.fan.lemurs would probably pale
- by comparison to the reality of a sugar-binging prosimian).
-
- Here are the original messages from vtcosy.cns.vt.edu that got it all started:
-
- Ron Jarrell, jarrell@vtserf.cc.vt.edu;
- Todd Perry, todd@polaris.async.vt.edu;
- Joel Furr, jfurr@polaris.async.vt.edu; and
- Vance Kochenderfer, vkochend@nyx.cs.du.edu
-
- These four people, and a few innocent bystanders, engaged in a
- conversation on vtcosy.cns.vt.edu that inspired Joel Furr to
- create first a lemurs "conference" and then go on to infect
- USENET with lemur chat. It's all Ron and Todd and Vance's fault,
- as you'll see from the excepts below:
-
- >Ed Chamberlayne (responding to someone's insult about Ed being
- >in everyone's crosshairs): Well...I'm in the crosshairs. Goody.
- >Lamer. Yes. Lamer. Probe a thesaurus?? Get real geekmeister.
- >I certainly don't need to consult reference books when compos-
- >ing a message. I guess you do, huh??
- >Ron Jarrell (responding to Ed): I still think a Lamer is a type
- >of monkey.
-
- >Joel Furr (responding to Ron): No, that's a lemur. The differ-
- >ence is that Lemurs are not eligible for membership in Toastmas-
- >ters International, being incapable of human speech.
-
- >C. Carson (commenting to Joel): Not too mention the Mongo size
- >Eyes...
-
- >Joel Furr (blathering on): Lemurs are actually primates, as you
- >know. The clever little fellas inhabit the island of Madagascar
- >and some species are so shy that only one or two individuals of
- >each species have ever been seen.
-
- >Ron Jarrell (in an entirely different conversation): Well, as
- >of the nightly report last night we had processed 27,885 usenet
- >messages, up from a normal high of anywhere from 9-11,000....
-
- >Joel Furr (reviving the thread): How many of them were about
- >lemurs?
-
- >Daniel Pawtowski (interjecting): Probably fewer than there were
- >about cows.
-
- >Ron Jarrell (responding to Joel): I haven't had the chance yet
- >to run the artificial intelligent lemur detection routines on
- >it.. Even the 5810's RISC chip can only do about 100 lemurs a
- >second, so I didn't want to bog it down with 27,000 lemurs.
-
- >Todd Perry (commenting to Ron): Where did you get that figure?
- >Be careful with the Lemur benchmark. Several manufacturers have
- >rigged their compilers to detect Lemur benchmark code and opti-
- >mize it to death, so you get a much higher lemurs/sec rating
- >than you would in real life...
-
- >Joel Furr (also commenting to Ron): Well, that would only take
- >270 seconds... four and a half minutes, and think of all the
- >lemurs you could detect in that time.
-
- >Vance Kochenderfer (coming in from out of the blue): Anyone
- >want to go out and do some lemur-tipping?
-
- >Ron Jarrell (ignoring Joel and Vance and commenting to Todd): Oh
- >really? I might have been getting psuedo-lemurs? I'll see if I
- >can find the real lemur count..
-
- >Joel Furr (summing up): Inquiring lemurs want to know.
-
- And it raged on from there.
-
- ---------------
-
- (2) Scientifically speaking, what is a lemur?
-
- A lemur is a primate, member of the same order of mammals that men and
- apes belong to. However, lemurs are thought to be less evolutionarily
- advanced than men and apes and monkeys are, representing the stage of
- evolution our ancestors would have been at several million years ago.
- Note that this does not mean that we are descended from lemurs.
- Ultimately, somewhere far back, we share a common ancestor. Lemurs are
- often lumped in with other somewhat less advanced primates known
- collectively as "prosimians." Other animals sometimes referred to as
- prosimians include tarsiers, lorises, bushbabies, galagos, pottos, and
- so forth. None of the aforementioned animals are _lemurs_ per se:
- lemurs are prosimians who live on Madagascar and the surrounding islands
- and who belong to the superfamily _Lemuroidea_.
-
- The major difference between lemurs (and prosimians in general) and
- other primates is, believe it or not, the wet nose. Lemurs have 'wet
- noses' like dogs and rely more on scent than do 'more advanced' primates.
-
- Alt.fan.lemurs has its very own lemur researcher, Mr. Bill Sellers, who
- recently finished his PhD. dissertation on the mechanics of lemur
- leaping. The following list of lemur families, genii, and species has
- been run past him but probably still isn't 100% correct. If it's
- crucial that you know the exact status of lemur taxonomy, send email to
- wis@liverpool.ac.uk... that's Mr. William I. Sellers, thankyewverymuch.
- :)
-
- Anyway: on to the lemur taxonomy:
-
- Kingdom: Animalia
- Phylum: Chordata
- Class: Mammalia
- Order: Primates
-
- Primates can be divided into two suborders. The older division was
- between prosimians ("almost monkeys") and anthropoids ("man-like"). The
- newer division is between Strepsirhini (wet noses) and Haplorhini (dry
- noses). This change results in tarsiers being grouped with monkeys,
- apes, and humans as haplorhines; all other prosimians are strepsirhines.
- (Thus, tarsiers are not listed here, despite still being classed as
- "prosimians".)
-
- Suborder: Strepsirhini
-
- Superfamily: Lemuroidea
-
- Family: Cheirogaleidae
- Subfamily: Cheirogaleinae
- Genus: _Microcebus_
- Species: _murinus_, gray mouse lemur
- _rufus_, rufous mouse lemur
- _coquereli_, Coquerel's mouse lemur
- Genus: _Cheirogaleus_
- Species: _major_, greater dwarf lemur
- _medius_, fat-tailed dwarf lemur
- _trichotis_, hairy-eared dwarf lemur
- Subfamily: Phanerinae
- Genus: _Phaner_
- Species: _furcifer_, forked-marked dwarf lemur
-
- Family: Lemuridae
- Genus: _Lemur_
- Species: _catta_, ring-tailed lemur
- Genus: _Eulemur_
- Species: _macaco_, black lemur
- _fulvus_, brown lemur
- _mongoz_, mongoose lemur
- _coronatus_, crowned lemur
- _rubriventer_, red-bellied lemur
- Genus: _Varecia_
- Species: _variegatus_, ruffed lemur
- Genus: _Hapalemur_
- Species: _griseus_, gray gentle lemur
- _simus_, broad-nosed gentle lemur
- _aureus_, golden bamboo lemur
-
- Family: Lepilemuridae
- Genus: _Lepilemur_
- Species: _doralis_, (no common name)
- _ruficaudatus_, red-tailed sportive lemur
- _edwardsi_, Edward's sportive lemur
- _leucopus_, (no common name)
- _mustelinus_, (no common name)
- _microdon_, (no common name)
- _septentrionalis_, (no common name)
-
- Family: Indriidae
- Genus: _Avahi_
- Species: _laniger_, avahi or woolly lemur
- Genus: _Propithecus_
- Species: _verreauxi_, Verreaux's sifaka
- _diadema_, diademed sifaka
- _tattersalli_, Tattersall's sifaka?
- Genus: _Indri_
- Species: _indri_, Indri (aka babakoto)
-
- Superfamily: Daubentonioidea
- Family: Daubentoniidae
- Genus: _Daubentonia_
- Species: _madagascarienis_, aye-aye
-
- FYI, the _following_ critters _are_ prosimians, and _are_ strepsirhines,
- but are _not_ lemurs, since they belong to a different superfamily and
- don't live in Madagascar. They are simply listed so you'll know what
- other animals are currently considered to be prosimians. (As above,
- tarsiers are now considered to be more similar to apes and men than to
- prosimians such as lorises and lemurs.)
-
- Superfamily: Lorisoidea
- Family: Lorisidae
- Subfamily: Lorisinae
- Genus: _Loris_
- Species: _tardigradus_, slender loris
- Genus: _Nycticebus_
- Species: _coucang_, slow loris
- Genus: _Arctocebus_
- Species: _calabarensis_, angwantibo
- Genus: _Perodicticus_
- Species: _potto_, potto
- Subfamily: Galaginae
- Genus: _Galago_
- Species: _alleni_, Allen's bushbaby
- _crassicaudatus_, thick-tailed bushbaby
- _senegalenis_, lesser bushbaby
- _inustus_, (no common name)
- _demidovii_, Demidoff's dwarf galago
- _elegantulus_, needle-nailed bushbaby
-
- I hope this is getting to be more or less correct. Bill Sellers tells
- us that lemur scientists periodically regroup the genii, renaming the
- genii and moving one genus into a different family as more is learned
- about the animal, but that _species_ names tend to stay the same.
-
- ---------------
-
- (3) What are some good books to read if I'd like to know more about
- lemurs?
-
- Two very good books that look at lemurs from a zoological and biological
- standpoint, reviewing the entire gamut of lemurs from aye-ayes to
- indris, are:
-
- Catherine Harcourt, _Lemurs of Madagascar and the Comoros : the IUCN red
- data book_ (This one has lots of black and white photos, and is the
- most recent of the two.)
-
- Ian Tattersall, _Lemurs of Madagascar_ (This one is a little older but
- is the Bible of the lemur research field.)
-
- Wilson, Jane, _Lemurs of the lost world : exploring the forests and
- Crocodile Caves of Madagascar_
-
- Peter M. Kappeler and Jorg U. Ganzhorn, Eds. _Lemur Social Systems and
- Their Ecological Basis_.
-
- Another book, somewhat broader in scope, is Napier and Napier's _Handbook of
- Living Primates_, published by the British Natural History Museum.
-
- If you want books that talk about lemurs from an anecdotal standpoint, try
- these two:
-
- Durrell, Gerald Malcolm, _The aye-aye and I: a rescue mission in
- Madagascar_ (Great descriptions of gentle lemurs and aye-ayes.)
-
- Adams, Douglas, _Last Chance to See_ (The author of _The Hitchhiker's
- Guide to the Galaxy travels to far-off spots to see animals that are in
- grave danger of extinction. Very interesting stuff about aye-ayes.)
-
- And, of course, there's the famous kids' book, _Hook A Book Lemur_:
-
- Zoe Wilmot and David Anstey, _Hook A Book Lemur_. (This book is written
- for 2-3 year olds, I guess, and is printed on that thick, cardboard-like
- paper, so even though it's 3/4 inches thick it only has about 6 pages.
- The cover features a ring tailed lemur. His tail forms a hook that juts
- out from the top of the book. (Hence the term "Hook-a-book," and hence the
- cardboard paper.) At the bottom, his hands join together forming a handle
- -- a handle that's just the right size for a tiny hand to hold on to the
- book.)
-
- KG Anderson provided a few magazine references, since some of the above books
- are fairly technical:
-
- 1) August 1988 National Geographic: an EXCELLENT article by Alison
- Jolly, the Queen of lemur studies. Dr. Jolly was one of the first
- researchers to study lemur behavior in the wild. This is the all-time
- greatest issue of National Geographic if you're a lemur fan. The
- pictures in this issue are just awesome.
-
- 2) January 1993 Scientific American. Another great article, this one
- by Ian Tattersall. (If Alison Jolly is the Queen of lemur studies,
- Dr. Tattersall is probably the King.) About ten pages. A pretty cool
- read.
-
- 3) August (I think) 1993 BBC Wildlife. This is for you British lemur
- fans out there. There's a beautiful photo spread taken by David
- Haring, the colony manager of DUPC (who also doubles as the court
- photographer of lemur studies and/or photographer to the stars).
- Highly recommended.
-
- 4) November/December 1993 issue of The Sciences. There's an article
- by Elwyn Simons, scientific director of DUPC, about recent excava-
- tions of fossil and subfossil lemurs in Madagascar. (Since he used to
- be Ian Tattersall's advisor, Dr Simons must be the Emperor of lemur
- studies.) No pretty pictures, alas 8-(, nor any mention of the
- fossilized bottles of Big-K that undoubtedly lured those ancient
- lemurs into the caves to their doom in the first place, but the
- article itself is well worth reading if your interest in lemurs goes
- beyond their fuzzy coats and bright eyes.
-
- 5) December 1993 Southern Living. Southern Living? A bit odd, but
- true. Basically it's a brief interview with Elwyn Simons and Kenneth
- Glander, of the DUPC, entitled "Adventures in Lemurland." It has 3
- nice photos, of (if I recall correctly) a coquerel sifaka (eating
- raisins out of the hands of the aforementioned humans), a red-ruffed
- lemur, and a female blue-eyed black (they're SO beautiful). Oh, I
- forgot to mention that Dr Glander is the Director of the DUPC. That
- makes him, I don't know, Lord High Chancellor of lemur studies.
-
- ---------------
-
- (4) What is Primate Info Net?
-
- Primate Info Net is an Internet Gopher (gopher.primate.wisc.edu) network
- for people with an interest in the field of primatology. PIN is
- maintained by the Wisconsin Regional Primate Research Center Library at
- the University of Wisconsin-Madison. Among the resources accessible in
- PIN are a taxonomy of the primates, audiovisual resources, a list of
- specialized bibliographies, information about Primate-Talk (an email
- based listserver) the latest issue of the Laboratory Primate Newsletter
- and other resources pertinent to the field. Other menu choices will be
- added to PIN in the future.
-
- To make suggestions or for more information about Primate Info Net,
- contact Larry Jacobsen, Head of Library Services, Primate Center Library
- Wisconsin Regional Primate Research Center, Madison, WI 53715-1299.
-
- Email: jacobsen@primate.wisc.edu
- Tel: (608) 263-3512
- Fax: (608) 263-4031
-
- ---------------
-
- (5) What's the rarest kind of lemur?
-
- Several species that are quite rare are the golden bamboo lemur
- (which was thought extinct until a few were found lurking in the jungle),
- the golden-crowned sifaka (which was identified as a species unto itself
- not too many years ago, and which lives only in a very small part of the
- island of Madagascar), the Lake Alaotra bamboo lemur (which is a
- subspecies of your basic bamboo lemur, hapalemur griseus, and which is
- commonly sold for food by the natives who don't know about laws against
- eating or killing lemurs), the red-bellied lemur (which for some reason is
- plummeting in numbers in the wild and no one knows why), and the aye-aye
- (which was also thought extinct and which is very rarely sighted).
-
- ---------------
-
- (6) Would lemurs make good pets?
-
- In the words of Joao de Souza, who researched the issue:
-
- - In some cities in the USA it is legal to own a lemur, but you will
- have some very hard time trying to find one for sale. Pet shops
- will NOT carry them, and any reputable zoo or university will NOT
- sell you one of theirs.
-
- - Having a lemur as a pet is not at all a good idea. Okay, they are
- adorable looking little cretures, but thats when you don't have to
- take care of them. First of all, like most primates, lemurs are
- VERY strong. They like to run around and to climb onto your
- furniture. Unless you have a huge back-yard, and are willing to
- transforming it into a cage, the lemur WILL destroy your house.
- - Lemurs cannot be house trained (they will defecate wherever they
- feel like, and they will pee all over the house in order to mark
- the territory). If you try to house train a lemur, it will turn
- violent, and you don't want a pissed-off lemur anywere near you.
-
- You may want to try some easier pet (ie: an elephant, a couple of
- giraffes, a herd of buffalos, etc... :-)
-
- ---------------
-
- (7) Who is Ali Lemer?
-
- Take it from the horse's mouth:
-
- >From: phoenix@startide.ctr.columbia.edu (Ali Lemer)
- >Subject: Uh...you're not going to believe this, but...
- >Organization: Columbia University Center for Telecommunications Research
- >Date: Sat, 20 Feb 1993 21:50:16 GMT
- >
- >Wow...I think I finally found my netnews niche. Perhaps I could be the
- >a.f.l.'s official mascot, for...
- >
- >...my last name is, LEMER (pronounced LEE-mer, as in our favourite
- >primate).
- >
- >Yes, believe it or not, folks. People always say to me, "Lemer? As in the
- >monkey?" and I always have to say, "Yeah. <sigh> But with an 'e'."
- >
- >In fact, a kid in 10th grade called me, "Ali the Ring-Tailed Lemer from
- >Madagascar" once...
- >
- >Well, there you have it, at any rate.
- >
- >-- Ali Lemer.
-
- ---------------
-
- (8) Who is Rick Frink?
-
- >Rick Frink (513) 865-1645
- >Mead Data Central Telecomm/Campus Networks
- >P.O. Box 933 rfrink@meaddata.com
- >Dayton, Ohio 45401 ...!uunet!meaddata!rfrink
-
- No one's told him yet of the unfortunate similarity of his name to the sound
- commonly used by the average lemur for a wide variety of purposes, some of
- them even printable in a family newsgroup.
-
- ----------------
-
- (9) Is "Frink" in any dictionary?
-
- Alt.fan.lemurs made another step upwards toward respectability when 'frink',
- the Lemur verb of unknown meaning, was included in the latest release of the
- Jargon File. The Jargon File is the closest thing that the computer and
- USENET world have to an unabridged dictionary. You can ftp the Jargon File
- from lots of FTP sites. Email esr@snark.thyrsus.com or ask on
- alt.folklore.computers to find the best place to snag it.
-
- Here's the definition, per Eric Raymond:
-
- :frink: /frink/ v. The unknown ur-verb, fill in your own meaning.
- Found esp. on the USENET newsgroup alt.fan.lemurs, where it is
- said that the lemurs know what `frink' means, but they aren't
- telling. Compare {gorets}.
-
- ---------------
-
- (10) Where can I find .GIFs of Lemurs?
-
- The following sites have lemur .GIFs in the following directories:
-
- wuarchive.wustl.edu, /graphics/gif/l
- compute1.cc.ncsu.edu, /mirrors/wustl/graphics/gif/l
- plaza.aarnet.edu.au, /graphics/gif/l
- ccsun.unicamp.br, /pub/images/animals
-
- The files are "lemur01" through "lemur11" -- .gif or .jpg.
-
- You can also find some lemur pics on the furry FTP site (avatar.snc.edu). in
- /pub/furry/images/downloads/l. A master index is in file index-by-date in
- /pub/furry/misc. They ask for access only between 1800-0600 Central time.
-
-
- ---------------
-
- (11) Are there any drinks inspired by lemurs?
-
- Yes. Here are three. Try them at your own risk.
-
- From: Spike the Destroyer <STDNCHGA%LMUACAD.BITNET@VM.USC.EDU>
- Subject: Screaming Lemur Recipe
-
- >Take one standard sized $8.99 bottle of reasonably cheap gin. We
- >use Popov. Purchase a package of Hawaiian Punch drink mix. The
- >traditional flavor of choice is "Sharkleberry Punch", but a
- >reasonable alternative is Rock Island Red or some other silly
- >name. Just as long as the hue of the drink is resembles the
- >intesine of a lemur. (light to medium pink) Mix the two together,
- >and ice heavily.
- >
- >That's it! If you proportion it correctly, it should be very
- >sweet with only a slight hint of gin aftertaste. You may dillute
- >with sugar or water if you really need to.
-
- From: Joel Furr (jfurr@polaris.async.vt.edu)
- Subject: Reeling Lemur Recipe
-
- >Ingredients:
- >3/4 glass of Big K Grape Soda
- >1/4 glass of "Aristocrat" vodka
- >Ice
- >
- >One or two of these will have the most well-balanced and upright
- >lemur staggering and reeling around the apartment.
-
-
- From: schumach@convex.com (Richard A. Schumacher)
- Subject: Recipe for "Sleepy Lemur"
-
- >1 oz. Kahlua
- >1 oz. creme de Cacao
- >1 oz. vodka
- >Balance skim milk and chipped ice
- >
- >Serve in a large truncated conical glass, or in a plastic rocket
- >ship with a straw.
-
-
- ---------------
-
- (12) How can I make my own Twinkies at home?
-
- Sylvia Sotomayor (ciaran@netcom.com) tells all:
-
- This is primarily (but not only) for our British readers, who are having
- difficulties getting twinkies (tm).
-
- I got this twinkie recipe from a book Top Secret Recipes, by Todd
- Wilbur, published by Plume. $10. ISBN 0-452-26995-4.
-
- I didn't get permission to share this or anything, but then I work for
- Plume, so they better not mind. Besides, this book has lots and lots of
- neat recipes in it, so it is worth buying anyway!
-
- Twinkie Recipe:
-
- You will need a spice bottle (approximately the size of a Twinkie),
- twelve 12 by 14 inch pieces of aluminum foil, a cake decorator or pastry
- bag, and a toothpick.
-
- Ingredients:
- for the Cake: nonstick spray, 4 egg whites, one 16 ounce box golden
- pound (or sponge, whatever) cake mix, and 2/3 cup water.
-
- for the Filling: 2 tablespoons butter, 1/3 cup vegetable shortening, 1
- cup powdered sugar, 1/4 cup granulated sugar, 1/3 cup evaporated milk, 1
- tea-spoon vnilla extract, and 2 drops lemon extract.
-
- Step 1: Preheat the oven to 325 degrees Fahrenheit.
-
- Step 2: Fold each piece of aluminum foil in half twice. Wrap the
- folded foil around the spice bottle to create a mold. Leae the top of
- the mold open for pouring in the batter. Make twelve of these molds and
- arrange them on a cookie sheet or in a shallow pan. Grease the inside
- of each mold with a light coating of nonstick spray. (According to the
- diagrams in the book, a Twinkie is approximately four inches long, 1 and
- 3/4 inches wide and about an inch or so tall.)
-
- Step 3: Disregard the instructions on the box of cake mix. Instead,
- beat the egg whites until stiff. Combine them with the cake mix and
- water, and beat until thoroughly blended (about 2 minutes).
-
- Step 4: Pour the batter into the molds, filling each one about 3/4
- inch. Bake in the preheated oven for 30 minutes, or until the cake is
- golden brown and a toothpick stuck in the center comes out clean.
-
- Step 5: For the filling, cream the butter and shortening. Slowly add
- the sugars while beating.
-
- Step 6: Add the evaporated milk, vanilla, and lemon extract.
-
- Step 7: Mix on medium speed ntil completely smooth and fluffy.
-
- Step 8: When the cakes are done and cooled, use a toothpick to make
- three small holes in the bottom of each one. Move the toothpick around
- the inside of each cake to create space for the filling.
-
- Step 9: Using a cake decorator or pastry bag, inject each cake with
- filling through all three holes.
-
- Makes 12.
-
- End of recipe.
-
- They, of course, forgot to add Step 10: Feed to thankful lemurs.
-
- Enjoy,
-
- Sylvia
-
-
- Try it!
-
-
- ---------------
-
-
- (13) Is Terry Chan in the alt.fan.lemurs FAQ?
-
- Yes. His address is twcaps@dante.lbl.gov. Send him all the fan mail you
- want.
-
- ---------------
-
- (14) What's significant about Tob Wood?
-
- Tob Wood, aka tob@cwis.unomaha.edu, was toasted with a special
- birthday toast at AFU/AFL Southeast, held at Raleigh/Durham,
- North Carolina, on March 27, 1993. Basically, Tob couldn't
- attend, since he's all the way out in Omaha, Nebraska, but since
- his birthday fell on the 27th, he asked that we take brief note
- of it in passing during the event. A group of people, some of
- whom had even posted to alt.fan.lemurs at some point in their
- lifetime, took time out from their discussions of zeppelins and
- alternate histories to have a toast of Big K Grape Soda to Tob.
-
- ---------------
-
- (15) What _is_ Big K Grape Soda?
-
- Big K Grape Soda is a brand of soda sold by Kroger supermarkets.
- Kroger is a fairly wide-spread chain with offices in Cincinnati,
- Ohio and stores located in many U.S. states. Kroger has, as most
- supermarkets do, an essentially generic house brand of most
- everything. In the case of soda, the house brand is called "Big
- K." It usually sells for about 49 or 59 cents per 2 liter jug
- and isn't all that bad. Lemurs like it because of that great
- generic taste.
-
- ---------------
-
- (16) What was alt.fan.lemurs/alt.folklore.urban Southeast?
-
- alt.fan.lemurs/alt.folklore.urban Southeast was a get-together held on March
- 27, 1993 in Raleigh-Durham, North Carolina, including people from
- alt.fan.lemurs and alt.folklore.urban. Since it was the first such event held
- in the southeastern USA, the turnout was not massive, but attendance is
- expected to rise in future years. Attending on behalf of alt.fan.lemurs were
- Joel Furr and Vance Kochenderfer; attending on behalf of alt.folklore.urban
- were Bruce Tindall, Jim Cambias, and Diane Kelly. Also attending was Dena
- Barbee (a member of the great non-USENET world population) and three goats,
- one cat, and infinite numbers of lemurs. The featured attraction was a tour
- of the Duke University Primate Center, located in Durham. In addition to the
- tour, the participants had lunch at a dim sum restaurant, beer at a brewpub,
- and a relaxing evening of urban legend trading in Bruce Tindall's palatial
- mansion in Carpenter, North Carolina.
-
- ---------------
-
- (17) What was alt.fan.lemurs/soc.singles Southeast?
-
- It's a long story -- the soc.singles newsgroup had been planning a big "boink"
- as they called it in Durham, North Carolina, during the June 18-19-20 weekend
- of 1993. Louise Perry, an alt.fan.lemurs reader who studies in England yet
- who was visiting her family in the USA, was also going to be in Durham for a
- DUPC visit as she had adopted a red-ruffed lemur named Diphda. Since there
- were all these people in the Durham area I knew vaguely, I went down too!
- When all was said and done, we had a group of some fifteen people going around
- the standard DUPC tour. We got to see some of the animals we'd adopted, but
- not up close and personal since the educational coordinator who would have
- arranged that was not on duty that day. Louise did get to meet Diphda and
- pose for photos, and I got to wow everyone with my encyclopedic knowledge of
- lemur trivia. We also got to see the new DUPC noctural animals facility,
- which was crammed with adorable little mouse lemurs and lorises and tarsiers.
-
- This time around, the people present were as follows. There were three
- alt.fan.lemurs readers there and three associated hangers-on; the three
- readers were Joel Furr, Louise Perry, and Timothy Satterfield (a Durham-area
- resident). Louise had brought along her boyfriend, Jim Parberry of Norfolk,
- England, and Tim had brought along two friends from the locality, Cheryl and
- Jared Murphy. We were accompanied into the Primate Center by someone who'd
- unexpectedly shown up as well: Dena Barbee, the friend of Bruce Tindall's who
- participated in AFL/AFU Southeast yet missed the lemur tour through unexpected
- circumstances. Dena was back to do the tour for the first time and
- coincidentally was there the same day as AFL/SS Southeast. Our contingent
- from soc.singles consisted of Beth "Diamond" Abrams, Paul Wallich, Seth
- Breidbart, and Eleanor "Piglet" Evans. There were apparently dozens of other
- soc.singles-ites wandering around Durham that day that we only glimpsed
- lolling at a picnic table on the DUPC grounds as we were finishing our tour.
-
- ---------------
-
- (18) What was Lemurcon '94?
-
- Lemurcon '94 was the first big alt.fan.lemurs gathering, once again being held
- in Durham, North Carolina. Its success had a lot to do with the fact that, for
- the first time, someone from the newsgroup was actually IN DURHAM and there-
- fore could coordinate events with the Duke University Primate Center, set up a
- hotel, get the barbecue stuff, and so forth without having to do a lot of long
- distance calls.
-
- Lemurcon '94 took place on a scorcher of a day, Saturday, July 9, 1994. Quite
- a few of the out-of-towners had met the night before for dinner at Ole NC
- Barbecue in north Durham. The day's program consisted of a lengthy tour of
- the Primate Center guided by Scientific Director and internationally known
- paleontologist and primatologist, Dr. Elwyn Simons... including a lengthy
- foray to visit with the black and white ruffed lemurs and ringtailed lemurs in
- one of the large Natural Habitat Enclosures and a very up close and personal
- nuzzling by Canopus the black and white ruffed lemur, and a lecture on the
- history of the Prehistoric Sloth Lemur. The people who'd adopted lemurs were
- taken off into the depths of the woods to find their adopted animals while
- others went off to tour the Nocturnal Building, and Joel Furr and David Witzel
- singed all the hair off their hands cooking hamburgers. During lunch, the
- adopters returned and ate and then did the Nocturnal Building thang while
- others spent a lot of money in the DUPC gift shop. After 4 pm arrived, some
- people went home and others went to their hotel rooms to shower and change for
- dinner, which was held at the Olive Garden restaurant in south Durham.
-
- Memorable moments included:
-
- * Canopus nuzzling all of us, apparently out of affection but actually
- looking for food
- * Chiggers, chiggers, chiggers!
- * Finding the slimy thing in the box of Twinkies
- * Rollande Krandall playing her ocarina to a troop of ringtails while
- they mewed in time to the music
- * Joel Furr's look of absolute dejection when he didn't make it onto the
- evening news (Paula Filseth did instead)
- * Trying to explain "USENET" to a reporter from the Durham Herald-Sun,
- who, despite spending all day looking at Joel Furr's nametag, still
- managed to refer to him as "Jeff Furr" in the next day's paper.
- * Dr. Simons imitating the calls of prehistoric Sloth Lemurs in the
- crowded Fossil Lab
- * Explaining the concept of North Carolina barbecue to Tom Esch
- * Punch-drunk, exhausted, hysterical laughter at the Olive Garden
- * "Yeeeeeow" as David Witzel and Joel Furr burned themselves yet again
- * Learning first-hand about the precise aim and remarkable distance the
- average lemur can achieve with a stream of urine
-
- It was a long, exhausting day, but virtually everyone seemed to have a good
- time and clamored for Lemurcon '95 to be held next year.
-
- 'Con participants were: Paul and Paula Filseth (San Jose, CA), David and Kira
- Smith (Tampa, FL), Chris Brann (Atlanta, GA), Mary Ann Neel (Lafayette, IN),
- Vance Kochenderfer (Havre de Grace, MD), Dolly Paul and Rollande Krandall
- (Dearborn, MI), Joao de Souza and Maria Drago (New York City or thereabouts),
- John, Margret, and Liz Rylko (Tulsa, OK), Lisa Ruthig and Tom Esch
- (Landsdowne, PA), Dave Sisson and Todd Perry (Blacksburg, Virginia), and a
- whole slew of North Carolinians: KG Anderson, Richard Barnette, Lara Benton,
- Amy Conklin, Beth Davis, Joel Furr, Judy Gehrig, Steve Gehrig, Judah
- Greenblatt, Brian Little, Andrea Raddock, Lorrie Tomek, Alyson Wilson, Greg
- Wilson, David Witzel, and Doreen Yen.
-
- ---------------
-
- (19) Got any nifty factoids about lemurs to wrap things up with?
-
- Sure. We can't tell you everything there is to tell about lemurs because
- there's so much to know, but the books listed earlier will help you get
- started. To wrap up the FAQ, here're a few factoids about some lemur species
- that you might like to amaze your friends with. (Thanks, Bill, for your
- contributions.)
-
- Ringtailed lemurs: Ringtails have black and white circles around their tails,
- and a black masklike area on its face around their eyes. Ringtails are often
- very friendly, but also very acquisitive. Don't leave your car keys lying
- around where this lemur can find them. If you have laserdiscs of Japanese
- cartoons, the lemur will be your friend for life.
-
- Grey gentle bamboo lemurs: These lemurs are small, soft, friendly-looking,
- and not at all menacing in appearance. But wait: grey gentle bamboo lemurs
- are actually known for their temper. If you meet a lemur, and the lemur
- sneaks up behind you and takes a swipe at you with well sharpened fingernails,
- odds are you've spotted a Gentle Lemur; Gentle Lemurs have been seething for
- generations over being stuck with such a silly designation and are out to
- prove that they are anything but gentle. If the lemur does not attack, but
- instead sits down and chews on a nice clump of cyanide-laden bamboo leaves,
- you're seeing another interesting quality of the bamboo lemurs: bamboo lemurs
- can ingest cyanide in quantities that would kill primates several times their
- size. When British conservationist Gerald Durrell was in Madagascar
- collecting specimens for breeding, he kept a well-fed and well-cared-for
- collection in an adjacent hotel room, and noticed that among their repertoire
- was a popping sound not at all unlike the sound of a champagne bottle being
- uncorked. A roomful of these creatures, of course, would sound like a
- cocktail party.
-
- Sifakas: Sifakas are white of fur, with extremely long arms and legs and with
- black faces. Sifakas are among the largest of lemurs. Sifakas (pronounced
- Shi-fahks or Shi-falks) are a variety of lemur that has proved to be
- exceptionally hard to keep in captivity due to their preference for heart-
- shaped beds and Magic Fingers boxes instead of green-walled enclosures with a
- few pipes projecting out for them to climb on. Consequently, they've become
- very skilled at outwitting their human captors, picking locks (I'm NOT making
- this up) and devising ways to get extra food despite the presence of electric
- shocks around the food trays.
-
- Aye-ayes: Aye-ayes are small and rodent-like, with a long, skinny middle
- finger ending in a hooklike nail? Aye-ayes are especially feared by the
- Malagasy natives because of a local superstition that aye-ayes can curse
- people to gruesome deaths simply by pointing their long middle fingers at you.
-
- Aye-ayes are generally killed on sight by the natives. Efforts to breed them
- in captivity are paying off bit by bit, as the first aye-aye born in
- captivitity was born last year at the Duke University Primate Center: Blue
- Devil. Aye-ayes live off insects, which they dig out of rotten wood with
- their long hook-tipped middle fingers. When they were first discovered, they
- were thought to be rodents, and it was not until much later that they were
- identified as primates.
-
- Black lemurs: Interestingly, black lemurs have brilliantly blue eyes, and are
- in fact the only primate species other than man that has blue eyes. The
- females are golden-furred and the males are black-furred. This difference in
- color between the sexes is known as "sexual dimorphism." Partly because
- blue-eyed lemurs look so glamorous, the Duke University Primate Center names
- them all after movie stars such as Judy Garland and Robert Redford.
-
- Dwarf lemurs (Cheirogaleidae): These are the small, sneaky, steal your
- twinkies before you notice them lemurs. They are mostly a rather nondescript
- brown (all the better for you not to see them) except for the fork-tailed
- (forked?) lemur (furcifer) which has a striking black fork shaped mark running
- from the base of it's tail to its head. Some of them (the fat-tailed lemurs)
- have (you guessed it) fat tails. This is where they store their twinkies in
- the off season. Probably the cutest (and certainly the smallest) is the mouse
- lemur. These are prime espionage agents, weighing in at approx 60g - mouse
- size. Just imagine a mouse that can leap 2 metres, and has little grasping
- hands, and tickles like crazy when running around inside your T-shirt.
-
- There's much more to know about lemurs, and alt.fan.lemurs is the place to
- start. Welcome aboard!
-
- ------------------------------------------------------------------
- Revised April 5, 1993 by Joel Furr, jfurr@polaris.async.vt.edu
- Revised July 6, 1993, by Joel Furr, jfurr@polaris.async.vt.edu
- Revised August 8, 1994, by Joel Furr, jfurr@acpub.duke.edu
-